“What exactly does a boxing thingy have to do with Jackie Chan?”
Hah hah, oh, that guy always had the goods. It's a shame he died a terrible, painful death and he could never come back. Ah, nostalgia.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure, you may remember me from articles like I'm an Innocent Bovine, Get Me Off This One-Way Treadmill Of Death! and That's Not a Fnurdle, That's My Dingo!
I'm here to tell you about a problem sweeping the nation: Hitmonchan. Hitmonchan is the despicable and distinctly unAmerican act of Jamaicans hitting their friends Chan for no reason at all! This heinous act originated from the phrase "Hit Chan, mon!", which has identical meaning, but otherwise unknown origin.
Just take a look at little Billy Chan over here. He forgot to pay his protection money to the Jamaican mafia on Monday, so his buddies Ricardo and Enrique paid a little visit to him. And by "paid a visit to" I mean "beat the stuffing out of" and by "him" I mean "Little Billy" and by "Little Billy" I mean "45 year old alcoholic and twice divorced Billy":
It is truly sickening, isn't it? How can a person be so bad to get divorced twice? Oh, and the beating-the-stuffing-out-of-ness is pretty bad too.
We bust up the Jamaican Mafia into dozens of smaller mafias, citing the Sherman Anti-trust Act as our reason. Then we take all the Chans and fly them to the moon, where they'll be safe and sound for the rest of their years. Problem solved!