HowTo:Become a journalist

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Have you always wanted to become a journalist? No? You're lying. Everyone, at some point, has seen those indie journalists on indie TV with their indie clothes and has either aspired to be them or envied them with a hateful passion. Well, I've got news for you *cough cough*: now you can be an indie journalist. With or without the indie part. With or without nuts.

1. Make sure to carry a laptop with wireless connection around absolutely everywhere even if not necessary. Then, establish a blog.[edit]

The blog is the window of opportunity for budding journalists. This is the first step to self-employment, a foundation on which to base your academic pursuits. Tumblr would be an okay place to start if your topics of journalistic interest are oddly-photoshopped pictures of celebrities, Superwholock, lame puns and bland Internet humour. However, the Blogger and Blogspot websites seem rather sufficient and are often overrun by blogs that have absolutely no relation to eachother whatsoever.

2. Get a degree at a university or something.[edit]

This step is mostly necessary for attacking those who are rude to you in public by means of replying "Well, excuuuuse me, but I am an academic at the University or Cambridge", upon which they will probably be rude to you further. Score bonus points by interrogating and/or glaring at your fellow students regarding simplistic issues, and arriving to the conclusion that they messed up one of the many cafés on campus.

3. Always, always write in purple prose.[edit]

Purple prose is a trait of fine literature, is it not? Why, you may believe that this particular writing style is excessively ornate, maybe too flowery or too complex? Nay, I say! This here is a notion of elegance and baroque. Bow down to your queeeeeen.

4. Make really bold, accusatory statements instead of asking questions, and/or glare at people.[edit]

You do not simply approach an individual and ask him where his dog is this fine morning. You would begin with "Your dog is at the mall, isn't it?!", and upon their confusion perhaps continue with "The morning is fine, admit it!". Score bonus points by remaining silent and letting them rectify their moral crisis themselves whilst silently glaring at them. It works like a boss, or perhaps a truth serum. Dawg.

5. Always, always bring a camera around and take pictures wildly out of context.[edit]

No, that young man is not weeding his unsuspecting neighbour's yard. He is stealing the precious flowers. Those girls aren't leaving to buy cleaning utensils, they are abandoning the house in a state of disrepair. Score bonus points by referring to random people and/or things as complete failures, regardless of how offensive it might sound. Compared to your amazing journalism skills, everything is a complete failure. Even your digital SLR camera.