HowTo:Make a Bird Shut Up

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You obviously want to know: the look on your face says it all. So, here is how to make a bird shut up:

Things You'll Need

• A noisy bird.
• A honey stick.
• A headache (any size will do).

Steps

This just makes them gloat even louder.

1. Approach the bird cage.
2. Bang the cage softly.
3. Open the door of the cage.
4. Yell at the top of your lungs, "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
5. Repeat as necessary.

Tips

• It's best to do this while you still have a headache, and the bird is making a high pitched squawk.
• When the bird shuts up, reward the bird with the honey stick.
• If the bird won't shut up, eat the honey stick yourself. Honey induces calmness and sleep.

Another Tip

• If you haven't already eaten the honey stick, consider feeding it to the bird anyway. Honey induces calmness and sleep.

One Final Tip

• Do not beat the bird with the honey stick, as tempted as you may be.

But the Bird is Outside!

• Open a window and scream out of it instead.

Ahhh... Thanks

• You're welcome.

Warnings Our Legal Advisors Insisted We Include

1. Don't yell too loud if the bird is small.
2. If the bird has a sharp beak don't bang the cage.
3. If you violate warning #1, bury the bird under a nice tree, and mark the grave with a cross you made yourself out of popsicle sticks.
4. If you violate warning #2, call an ambulance immediately before your finger starts turning green and growing fuzz.