I Will Save You, Don't Worry

I will save you red balloon, don't worry! Why not try being saved by our latest range of acupuncture?

Hey! Are you sitting there apathetically, staring moronically at the screen in front of you, depserately seeking refuge from real life? Have you been eating vast quantities of food for the sole purpose of just having something to do? Do you seem to find yourself simply wanking your way through mind dissolving amounts of porn to avoid focussing on day to day issues?

Are you sitting there?

Are you just fucking sitting there?

Sitting there, fucking?

Well fear no longer.. I will save you! Don't worry.

I will save you, don't worry

Now most conventional cures cost little, and involve even less. These usually involve sitting up, finding a couple o' buddies and hitting the town to solve your deeply imbedded boredom habits. Well this guide goes above and beyond those pesky quack solutions. I know for a fact that in your vegetative state all you can be relied upon to do is look longingly at the door when you need another clean pair of pants. Since physical participation is out of the question, radical action will have to be taken.

If you want to continue with this simply contiue looking at the screen. It's ok, we know you're too lazy to click anything. We understand, we're here to help.

Continueing savation, don't try and tackle that semi-made up word, conserve your energy.

I will save you poorly drawn msn figure trapped in custard lightning, don't worry! May I suggest using a spoon?

The next phase is the most important, and by far the hardest to complete. This is what seperates the men from the blobs, so stay focussed. Ok, you're ready. Close your eyes. I will save you, don't worry. Don't move, (unless you're in an uncomfortable position, or need the toilet - it's ok, we have bladders too, we understand.) just close your eyes. Congratulations, that was great, you're now a whole step closer to being saved.

Now I know more than most that in your state you can't really see what's going on. Your brain, too weak to think has set itself to hibernate mode. What you're actually seeing right now is merely a screensaver, a default setting on the backside of life. All of your here and now is an elaborate, and surprisingly mediocre lie to keep you alive. Because you don't know what's happening I'll describe it to you. Me and my team are currently relocating you to our top secret facilities, ready to undergo procedural strateoge... fuck, i'm using long words. I will save you, don't worry. I'm sorry, let's keep things simple, we wouldn't want you to strain yourself would we?

(The answer is no, don't worry about it, we're all too braindead to answer rhetorical questions sometimes. We're here to help.)

The handcuffs are there to help, don't worry, this is a good thing.

I will save you schooltime queers, don't worry! But like, not when I'm looking ok?

Now, we're here. While my team prepare the caffeine injection I'd like to quickly run you through what happens after the antidote has been administered.

Four hours after the injection you should have enough energy to move from trawling the internet to lulling in front of the TV. 10 hours later, the radio. With continued and consistant doses you should be ready to make initial human contact within a week, though we often find this is just an inquiery into where the TV mag has got to. It is a long program, but by the end of it you'll be a fucking epic human being. You'll be able to walk and talk, have your own ideas and even wipe your bum. All by yourself! And for free! Brilliant or what?

Wait a minute, guys I've had a better idea. What if, instead of helping these cryogenic internet blobs become human again we just break into their houses and steal all their stuff? It's much more cost effective! Let alone rewarding.

You rat on me and you die.

Fuck! I meant a wooden spoon! A wooden spoon!