IllogiNews:China goes 'green'
This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
Wonton, Lo-mein Provence, China
Flyingidiot here in Wonton with breaking news on Green China. Chinese researchers have developed startling new technology intended to save the country money. This new technology is estimated to save the country 30% on its energy costs.
We asked a local woman what she thought of this, but she replied only by pelting our reporter with some kiwi juice and a Vegemite sandwich. Our reporter insists we have sent her to the wrong country, but we deny this and cannot be arsed to do anything about it even if it proved true.
The researchers have developed a way of mutating small children into four foot tall, green-skinned muscular zombies that can only say the word 'sheep', although some have learned to say 'porn'. Incidentally, China is the world's largest consumer of ovine pornography.
The researchers intend to use the hulkenchildren zombies to turn previously coal-powered generators, saving the country many hundreds of thousands of millions of billions of those silly little Chinese coins with the holes in them. Opponents of this method are quick to point out that it is similar to slavery, but proponents are also quick to remind them to shut the fuck up.
Other proposed uses for the little green midgets, which are called 奇特的母狗 locally, include control of the recent bananasnakebird population explosion, pressing cow liver into diamonds, and standing around staring at sheep.
The Chinese military has taken an interest in the technology, believing that combining it with their banana cloning tech will expedite their world domination.
We'll have more on the Asianization of the world, as it happens. This is Flyingidiot, reminding you that WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY. GOODNIGHT.
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