IllogiNews:Chinese baby oil found to be made from real babies

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

The so-called baby press

QINGDAO, China -- In yet another scandal involving products made in China, Chinese baby oil was recently found to be made from real babies, not just another name for mineral oil as the packaging claims. The human rights advocacy group known as Farblesmoot was investigating Qingdao orphanages to determine why more babies had been disappearing than were listed as having been adopted, and discovered that many were being taken away to have their oil extracted and packaged as 'baby oil'.

'It's actually really obvious when you think about it,' said Pete Leblanc, the leader of Farblesmoot. 'It's called baby oil, right? You sometimes hear things like, "If corn oil is made with corn and peanut oil is made with peanuts, then what is baby oil made with?" Well, it's made with babies, of course. At least in China it is.' Leblanc suspects that baby oil made in other countries is also made from babies, possibly because baby oil is never produced in other countries at all.

The factories where the babies are allegedly processed belong to Johnson & Johnson. Farblesmoot is now attempting to start a campaign for them to recall their baby oil, but they have denied the claims about the use of babies in its manufacture. 'This is simply outrageous,' said Lillian Sniggles, a spokesperson for Johnson & Johnson. 'It can't be true. I won't allow it to be true. Those babies never existed in the first place; that's why there's no record of their having been adopted. And if they did exist... well, they couldn't have, because I refuse to permit it!'

The orphanages from which the babies were said to have disappeared were unavailable for comment, and IllogiNews reporters were unable to find the records of which babies had or hadn't disappeared from where. Attempts to locate a YouTube video that allegedly showed footage of baby processing were fruitless; the video is said to have been taken down, but a photograph of a device that Farblesmoot claim to be a 'baby press' (pictured at right) has been circulating around the Internet and in newspapers.