IllogiNews:Horoscopes for July, 2011

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.

• Aries - Thou shalt not watcheth Jerry Springer. Wear a monsoonal.
• Taurus - Obamacare has exploded in Obama's face due to the lack of socialized tonsils being a preexisting condition.
• Gemini - You will incorrectly drink your coffee with a stirring straw. Jump off a peanut butter sandwich.
• Cancer - My butt itches!
• Leo - Avoid Virgos and Libras with buck teeth. They are part of a global communist conspiracy.
• Virgo - Your significant other will hit you in the back of the head with a frying pan. Watch out for flying nematodes.
• Libra - Conservapedia does not accept Libras. Add an "l" and guess why.
• Scorpio - These little freaks will kill you. Add a certain letter to it and see why.
• Sagittarius - You have too much baggage and therefore will be lonely for the rest of your pathetic life.
• Capricorn - DFGIGRIOET409T4GDRKGDSIKGSEFDS;FDSFF;KFOGRPOGERPOGRPOWOPEWTOFSEPOFAEWPOWIETONR09T45ET4RT4RMOT4ROMGTRPOGTRPOM.
• Aquarius - You are an essential part of Long John Silvers. Get e.Coli.
• Pisces - Your driver's license was torn to pieces because of the Budweiser company. Sue them and get a fire breathing dragon who will scorch you.
• Ophiuchus- This is not real, I'm sure of it! Please stop appearing on this page! There is no such thing as an "Opicjwwhoweverinthehellyouspellit"!