IllogiNews:Periodic Table reinvented?

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Well, we're not having any of that!

Once a month, for 3 to 8 days, Mr Retainer Clipp forces his wife to climb atop and remain on a device he calls, "the periodic table". It's not so much a table as a gigantic cutlery shipping crate from the late 1800s. On one end is a hut where she can sit in shame. We just think this is all very silly.

Mr. Clipp was arrested this morning on his stoop, on charges of assault and battery with a periodic table, cruelty and just for laughs, larceny.