It's a Cat

This article is meant to be read while listening to Will Smith's "Parents Just Don't Understand" on full volume.

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“I'm not arguing metaphysics here, I'm just saying: It's a goddamn cat!”

~ Schrodinger saying It's a Cat

EPIC

This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

.01

"WITCHCRAFT!"

"BLASPHEMY!"

"What?" said the Cat.

Human was surprised by the negative reviews of his long-awaited reveal.

What the groups of students and journalists thought was going to be a new invention was nothing but a Cat [that could talk].

Journalist questioned the merits of the Cat, "Is it a cat?"

Reporter concurred with Journalist.

Learner tried to pet the Cat.

The Cat didn't approve.

"Guys," began the Cat, "Do you realize I'm a talking Cat?"

The group laughed. Bystander actually fell to the ground whilst chuckling.

Human took his new friend away to his house.

Disappointed, Human was, that the world refused to believe that there was a talking Cat.

The local news was mainly just Anchor and Anchorwoman dispelling the rumors of the Cat.

Theories ranged from lighting-tricks to a recording of a voice placed inside the Cat.

"No, no, no!" shouted Human, "Do they refuse to believe anything?"

The news continued.

Fieldreporter had a report from the scene bringing up many "factors" on how Human faked the talking Cat.

All in all, no one in the world believed in his talking Cat.

Human's greatest invention completely ruined by skepticism.

1.1

Human had to confide in his friend Friend.

Friend was very supportive but his wife, Wife, interrupted their heart-to-heart.

Wife said, "Friend! How dare you talk to someone who believes in a conspiracy!"

Human argued, "It's not a conspiracy! I invented a talking Cat!"

Wife wasn't having any of it, "Everyone knows that there's no such thing as anything we don't know!"

Human snapped in rage and backhanded Wife.

Friend was stunned.

Human stormed off.

Wife yelled towards Human as he walked away, "I bet you believe in alien abductions, too!"

This was true.

Human did believe in that.

Human headed home, afraid Cop was after him after that run-in with Wife.

Human was misunderstood by everyone.

He returned to his flat and was greeted by the Cat.

"How did it go?" asked Cat in his classy English accent.

"It went poorly..." said Human, "I hit Wife."

"Why?" asked Cat.

"Because... she didn't BELIEVE IN ME!"

"No one does."

Cat patted Human on his back.

It wouldn't be okay.

2.1

President was greeted by Vicepresident

"Hello, President, I have some news."

"This news is...?"

"A man has invented a talking cat!"

"BLASPHEMOUS!"

"Calm, down, Prez."

"What did you call me?!"

"Sorry, President. I don't know what-... uh..."

President forgave him.

Vicepresident gave President the whole story, but President refused to believe.

"It must be some type of trick!"

This was tragic.

There was no course of action on the talking cat situation because it was denied by the government.

Firstlady was a believer in the talking Cat conspiracy.

Firstlady pleaded with President, "Please, believe in it!"

President got angry, "My own wife is a lunatic!"

The next day, President had his wife assassinated.

With the lunatic out of the White House, the country was free of the heresy of the talking Cat.

Or so they thought.

3.1

Vicepresident knew better.

He knew he had to do something about the talking Cat.

He approached Human.

"I know about the Cat... and I believe."

Human was stunned.

The first believer.

He went and told the Cat.

The Cat was happy.

Vicepresident was happy as well.

They needed a plan.

3.673222

The plan was finished.

Vicepresident would overthrow President and force the hypothetical country in which the story takes place into believing in the Cat.

Human was pleased.

He knew the Cat could talk.

He believed.

The plan would go into action tomorrow.

The greatest day.

4.4

"You don't understand," said the Cat.

The argument was taking its toll on Human.

4.1

"So Cat, are you ready for your big day?" asked Human.

"No. I'm not going," sassily replied Cat.

"What do you mean?" asked Human.

"I mean what I said. I'm not going."

"BUT YOU HAVE TO!"

4.43

Human picked up Cat and put him in his car.

Cat clawed like a cat at Human but it was to no avail.

Vicepresident told Human to bring Cat to the rendezvous at Barowner's Bar.

Human told Vicepresident of his problem.

"Dammit!" scowled Vicepresident, "We can't reveal Cat without Cat!"

"I know!"

"Fine," sighed Cat, "I'll do it. They'll know I'm real. They'll know I can talk!"

It was gonna work.

It was gonna WORK!

5.0

"You're done," said Vicepresident as he barged into President's office.

"Oh really now?" laughed President.

"Yes," said Vicepresident while pulling a gun.

Bang.

6.1

Vicepresident stepped out onto the podium.

He held Cat over his head.

The crowd that gathered was in the thousands.

"Fellow people, I have the talking Cat!"

He waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The Cat didn't make a sound.

Human looked concerned.

Vicepresident stared at the cat.

As he looked at his back he saw the keyboard.

He saw the speaker.

He saw the lie.

The cat could never talk.

Ever.

6.5

Vicepresident was rushed by an angry mob because of the cat lie.

Human was chased, too.

It all ended in a mockery.

Human and Vicepresident both died.

Murdered.

Because of the cat.

Epilogue

As it turned out, Human simply put a text-to-speech machine on a cat.

Delusion set in, and Human eventually started to believe the cat could talk, furthering his craziness.

The hypothetical country was forced into a Monarchy because the name President was already used, making the leader be known as King.

This is the only example ever where the majority didn't believe in a conspiracy.

I think this would be considered a satire.

The end.

Sorry.