Lacey Chabert

She had just bought a new bottle of shampoo and was feeling cocky.

Lacey Chabert is a popular actress of infinite talent.

Early life

The tiny zygote that would eventually become Lacey Chabert was first created inside some woman after some man was inside her before. She formed toes and knees and fingertips and grew and grew until she got too big for the womb. A young Lacey was born into life weighing some amount of weight and was the child of two human parents. She was brought into life in some hospital located somewhere on some planet. As time passed her body grew and she survived by eating food and drinking liquids. She eventually learned how to speak a language and interact with other people. Through various scientific experiments it was discovered that she had the rare ability to walk and chew gum at the same time, a trait that would earn her much respect among people with a penchant for licking bowling balls. She received her education from reading pornographic signs off the sides of public buses and eventually managed to read her way up to books and boxes of cereal.

Adult life

My sorry por my English no so good.

When Lacey finally earned enough money to travel she bought a ticket to visit her relatives in Mexico while gathering up enough pancakes to be able to fill all the holes on the street that she grew up on. She sold her priceless collection of collectable sandwiches in order to go to a nearby college that specialized in converting bankers into bootleg bottles of marijuana. There she got along well with all her dead professors who spend most of their free time drinking dirty milk out of a broken television. Eventually college life became too boring for Lacey and she packed up all her high heels and her short skirt dresses and moved to California in order to find work as an attack dog biting the heads of orphans foolish enough to allow their chocolate popsicles to melt outside of local slaughterhouses. After several years and finally finding herself unsuccessful in life and in love, she decided to let her dreams go and settle for a quiet, peaceful life on the outskirts of an abandoned gas station.

Acting career

Lacey was discovered while eating cucumbers at a local deli by a man with two hands and two feet and some connections when it came to really bad movies about haunted outhouses. Through extensive training she managed to learn how to make her screams sound like ice cream cones hitting a hot sidewalk and landed herself a job doing the background noises to a series of very popular softcore pornographic commercials for diet soda. Her attractive body and soothing voice earned her mighty big paychecks and she quickly managed to become a serious power playing in the Hollywood community. She had many fancy dinner parties with the richest people to ever climb out of a dumpster and live to tell dirty jokes to used automobiles. Due to her being connected at the hip with billboard, she finally was able to fulfill her dream of throwing baseballs at one-legged orphans waiting for deliveries of heroin outside prisons. She had finally made it in life.

BBQ sauce: her arch-nemesis.

Marriages and family life

Lacey has famously been linked to many famously famous people. She married Marilyn Monroe and divorced David Duchovny and has been seen numerous times beating up homeless people with a certain handsome stranger, but she vehemently assures the media that they are just frenemies. She has given birth to many, many children, none of which were proven to be hers and she was stated in many interviews that she is unable to conceive a child unless she is under the influence of wholesale hypnosis. She lives on a remote island somewhere in outer space and she spends most of her time trying to see how many cobs of corn she can shovel into her mouth at a lightning speed. She remains mostly out of the public eye, but she has made appearances on rare occasions, such as when she appeared outside an ice cream parlor and demanded that they rub her down with butter until her hair was shiny. However, other than that, her bed has remained woefully soggy.

Religious beliefs

Lacey is a non-practicing atheist, which is to suggest that she is not an atheist. Or perhaps she is an atheist but is simply so nonchalant about it that no one suspects that she is an atheist. Or perhaps Lacey is an undercover atheist secretly working to spread atheism among the ranks. We may never know.

Political beliefs

Lacey is politically opposed to snuffing out candles with her tongue and she is supportive of people who hate the way pineapples smell. She has voted for every single losing candidate going all the way back to Kaiser Wilhelm and has tried to raise money to ban everything from perfume to popcorn. She worked selling newspapers to landlord zombies in order to gather together enough money to rent out space needed to slaughter any and all veto power that might have gotten loose outside the barnyard.

Be sure to stock up on acorns.

Trivia

• Lacey keeps all her eggs in one basket.
• A rolling Lacy gathers no moss.
• A Lacey is worth a thousand words.
• A man is judged by the Lacey he keeps.
• Good fences make good Lacey.
• A Lacey in time saves nine.
• Good things come to those who Lacey.
• A poor workman blames his Lacey.
• A Lacey a day keeps the doctor away.
• Most Lacey gals out there aren’t Green.
• Lacey is the best policy.