Mahatma Gandhi

“Be cool like Gandhi”

~ André Breton

Mahatma Gandhi was a religious prophet in India who dedicated his life to writing parking tickets for gallbladders.

Early life

Gandhi was born in the backroom of a comic book store while Superman was busy punching Doctor Doom in the face. His mother liked to hold her water while eating sugar cubes laced with shoddy real estate. His father was all thumbs when it came to operating wood chippers. Gandhi had 17 brothers and 17 sisters and they would gather down in the basement, turn off the lights, and hurl folding chairs at each other in an attempt to bring down the world’s economy.

Life was difficult for the Gandhi family. Government welfare had not been invented yet so cheese was regarded as a rare delicacy. The leader of India at that time was only interested in smuggling rare bananas across international waters and the whole government was possessed by the Scandinavian version of Satan. It wasn’t until the invention of the dishwasher was India able to snort salt like a rollicking Victorian debutant 3 days past retirement.

Education

While in school Gandhi would shove grapefruits under his shirt and dance around while scream obscenities at Persian deli owners. When the teachers would catch him doing this they would lace his organic tea with chemicals and laugh at his stale jokes while rats nibbled on his toes and molars. Young Gandhi had trouble getting and keeping friends, mostly because he liked to brush his teeth with liquid garlic and wash his body with fermented cheese. The other students took offense to this and would steal all of his cold soda cans to reduce him to snores.

College wasn’t much better. All of his professors where fused to stainless steel toilets and had to eat oatmeal with rubber spoons. Gandhi was forced to write long, boring reports on the sexual history of blind sea otters under the influence of diabetic opera singers all suffering from influenza. It didn’t help that Gandhi didn’t know how to write, which made the writing process incredible slow and tedious. Because of this he mostly just copy notes from his good friend Cliff.

Work experience

In desperate need of money for food and shelter and radioactive snake leather, Gandhi obtained a job shoveling melted snow into the mouth of an oversized banana farmer. The banana farmer was a violent man, prone to cold fevers and hot sweats. In a moment of rage he gave birth to 15 live lobsters and sold them to the first men who was able to sneeze out the alaphbet. This upset Gandhi, who was fond of sucking lemons through broken teeth. So he formed an union of the willing to assemble and revolt against the bad treatment of the cantankerous cans of creamy cobbler.

Gandhi and his gang were mostly successful, leading to the factory being burned down in a powerful display of unfocused anger. However the local police were offended by it and took to collecting all of Gandhi’s underwear to be burn in retaliation. Gandhi fell into a deep depression and was unable to obtain another job for several years.

Religious conversion

While enjoying a hot dog at his local park, Gandhi watched a homeless man douse himself in soda water and violate the violin with his daughter’s second best piano. The event had a profound impact on young Gandhi. Later that day he sold all of his Tammy Wynette records to a blind hobgoblin in order to cleanse himself of impure migraines.

With the money he earned he set up numerous churches and temples throughout India. He made sure that they all played awful disco music and featured lived performances by local cannibalistic punk rock bands crooning to the tunes of dead jazz singers.

Religious history

Gandhi was strongly convinced that every man, woman, and child should be allowed to whistle while savagely beating their own liver until it was green with envy. The Board of Human Health Relations tried to suppress his message but it became popular among young soccer hooligans living in segregated college universities. This would help to establish him as one of the major players in the world of competitive horse racing.

Personal life

While doing religion work in the lowest part of the South Pole, Gandhi met and romanced a toolbox full of rancid envelopes. They were married and produced a batch of ugly ornamental feather dusters. He purchased a little log cabin deep in the neon jungle and lived out most of his life separating green bottles from brown ones. All of his children went on to live lives plagued by good fortune and happiness.

Death

Gandhi died in a tragic accident resulting from a botched attempt to swallow an entire box of rotten pineapples. The doctors said that there was no way he could have digested all that filliment and survive. After his death his body was able to turn all the winning lottery tickets into losing ones, much to the chagrin of out of work businessmen. His legacy was long and lasting, talked about in the boiler rooms and basement rumpus rooms of Kentucky.