Aym 26, 1983
“....oh my.”
“I would have rather played a game of table tennis in a deep, dark, damp pit than have gone through what I did.”
“When the shit hit the fan, it turned out that sawing off my foot with a spoon wasn't the best of moves.”
Morning[edit | edit source]
“I woke up, made some grits, and then went back to sleep.”
“Everything was normal until about nine in the morning, when a parade of salmon flopped through the streets.”
“At first I thought it was a prank by those Baxter Boys, but I was wrong.”
“That would have made a great prank.”
“I went to go get my breakfast burrito from Carlos's Taco Place down the street, but by that time, the streets were filled knee high with flopping salmon. When I got my burrito, they were piled up waist high.”
“And then.... it happened.”
“I looked up and..... ONE OF THEM HAD A GUN!”
“Panic broke out. To stop the salmon, people started throwing heavy things out the window, like TV's, pianos, tables, pillows.... anything that would stop the flood of salmon.”
“My fishing pole proved useless, these fish weren't going for cheese, they were going for human flesh.”
“The fish busted through my windows and ate my dog. I ran for the back door, but I was too late. They were spilling in, and ate my leg. I managed to hide in a cabinet before they killed me.”
“A few of the salmon had guns, and were shooting road signs down. I wondered why they didn't use it on humans, but then we saw why.”
Afternoon[edit | edit source]
“Eventually, the salmon dispersed. Retreated, is a better word.”
“When they left, there were a bunch of left-footed shoes on the ground. They were delicious.”
“At about 2 in the afternoon, I heard a rumbling noise. My wife was just eaten, so I knew it wasn't her stomach. I didn't know what to expect...”
“Right then, a tank labeled "We mean you harm" rolled down the street. We all went outside, assuming the situation was perfectly safe and under control.”
“As it rolled closer, we realized why the salmon shot down the speed limit signs...”
“It accelerated to 96 mph—well over the speed limit, but that didn't matter because the signs were down—and ran over anyone in its way. I lost my daughter to that tank.”
“I had no idea it meant us harm!”
“We realized we had to launch an attack.”
“We stockpiled weapons from whoever was left, and we managed to get three super soakers, two cricket mallets, and a rubber band.”
“The plan of attack was simple: use the super soakers to slowly erode the three inch thick steel on the outside, and use the cricket mallets to, er, do nothing with, really.”
“So, we started the attack, but half of us died. Plus, Planet Earth was on, so about a third of us just went in a watched that. A truly inspiring show.”
“That tank was just roaming through the streets, killing everything. I have to admit though, the country music it was playing through its speakers was fairly nice.”
“Then things got worse. The salmon came flopping back into town.”
“Our best hopes of survival were throwing annoying people in the path to distract the salmon, and then run. That explains where my wife went.”
“This is where my foot came off. I sacrificed it to distract the salmon flood. And man, am I telling you, sawing off your foot with a spoon is no fun.”
“It was a real shame, they ate his foot in a matter of milliseconds and then were back on the hunt for us, such noble sacrifice goes to waste.”
“There was blood everywhere!”
“Soon enough we made it to the woods. We found a couple of tree houses and climbed up in them. We were safe. But only for a little while.”
Night[edit | edit source]
“We stayed in the trees until nightfall. The salmon were still flopping around us.”
“Then we saw it. The mother salmon, about ten feet long and three feet high.”
“She came plowing through all of the smaller salmon, and I realized my life would soon be over...”
“But then she just came up and asked where she could find a large public bathroom.”
“We told her on the corner of Lincoln and Birch there was a handicap porta potty, if that would work. Then she said thanks and flopped away. All of the salmon followed her.”
“When they left, we went back to our homes. All of our clothes were neatly folded and there was a basket of chocolate on everyone's table.”
“I ate some of the chocolate. And that's when things got crazy.”
“Those chocolates must have had drugs in them or something, because everyone went insane.”
“No one's sure what happened that night...”
Morning of Aym 27, 1983[edit | edit source]
“When I woke up, my house was a pile of ashes and my soul had been turned into a marble statue.”
“When I came back to consciousness, my head had been separated from my body and I was wearing a pillow for shoes.”
“I was dead when I woke up.”
“Another day walkin' on the crazy person ridge, I'm telling you...”
“No one remembered what happened, but when you wake up to see that your house was dissembled and reassembled into the shape of a slightly bloated tyrannosaurus rex, you know some serious shit went down.”
“And then normal life resumed, and that brings us to where we are today.”
“Er, I don't belong in this article. On Aym 27, I was halfway across the world looking for my dog.”