Nane the Great's Guide to Isolation

So, you want to isolate yourself, for it is that you've grown a disdain for the entirety of the irrational and absurd human kind. And that birthday party hadn't helped either. You tried talking about your recent suicidal thoughts, your disappointment with the inevitable future and the lack of good choices in any given situation, occasionally interspersed with various cringe, shallow and pathetic Radiohead song references on a fucking birthday party, the place where we sing "HAPPY birthday", where everyone (else) came to have some fun, eat some food, drink too much alcohol and then climb trees to shit and puke in bird nests, which will become a regularly told youth nostalgia story in the future days of endless, terrible job-family-pill-induced-sleep cycles. You feel misunderstood by everybody. Your possibly last weep fell flat. Your genius at uncovering the truth of the miserable human life and its obvious limits has been ignored by these pretenders who want to feel nice. Ugh. Disgusting. You've decided you don't want to live in their illusions and avoid their illusions fully. So, what to do now? Nane will tell you in his Guide to Isolation!

Steps

1. Tape your mouth

The best way not to talk to anybody is to restrict yourself from talking completely. Cutting vocal cords is impractical, cutting your tongue leads to many bad consequences, so the best way is to just put tape over your mouth. Nane and his scientists have developed a specific brand of tape that emits anti-communication hormones right in your mouth (Nane's bodily fluids). You can buy it in our shop for $100 dollars. If you really don't want to tape your mouth, you can shout and scream until you lose your voice, but taping your mouth is faster and more efficient.

2. Bar the door

As a security measure, you could also install a bar on your door. Installing a bar on your door may be hard and time-consuming, but there's also an easy way: you can do this with something as simple as a fork. What you need to do is break a fork in half with your teeth, then curve the tines with your remaining teeth at a 360° angle. The next thing you wanna do is put the tines in the lock, close the door and put the fork handle between the tines. Barring the door will make you avoid 99.9% of social contact, including your mom and not including Bcbkye. If you don't have the resources, you're too afraid of making social contact by going to your kitchen, or you're just too lazy, you can always buy Nane's Fork for $400, where all the steps have been already done for you.

3. Sound isolation

Despite all the protection above, you still may get approached by people who want to communicate with you and break your social celibate. Buy a lot of egg cartons and cover your walls with them. If you don't know what to do with all the eggs, you can make a little Nane statue from the eggshells and use the yolks as eyes. The white stuff can be used for replacing your teeth after the fork step. You can always buy Nane's Egg Cartons, without the eggs. 10-pack for $300, 20-pack for $500, 50-pack for $1000. If you think that's too much, you can just put corks in your ears. Nane also has a product for this occasion. Nane's Corks also have a special anti-communication hormone emitting mechanism (Nane's bodily fluids again). You can also choose the color of your Nane's Corks: cold pink, tangorange, squirple. $500 per cork. Yes, per one cork.

4. Lower your blinds

The only way someone could enter your room now is through the window. Get rid of that possibility by lowering the blinds on all your windows. You could also put bars on your windows for additional security, although people might blame you that you're a Jehovah's Witness because only they do that. Another advantage of this step is that you'll be unable to see anything, assuming you previously turned off the lights. Do that if you haven't.

5. Turn off your phone

Turn it off. Get out the SIM card and swallow it. Then break the phone in as many pieces as possible. Phones will send your brain messages to stop with the isolation ritual and go outside, by emitting precise 900MHz signals which will become stationary waves in your head and will never leave from there because of how stationary waves work. These waves are synthesized through the SIM card which needs to be taken out of the phone. Breaking the phone is a safer choice. If you don't want a phone with this poisonous functionality, you can buy Nane's Communication-Free Phone: no calls, no messages, no camera, no screen, no operating system, no memory, no battery, no phone. Only for $4,000.

6. Restrict your movement

The three biggest threats to your isolation are you and yourself. You could always tie yourself to a chair, but the rope you'll tie yourself with will potentially give you the chance to commit suicide, which is not the goal of this guide because then you can't buy more Nane products. What we'd suggest is going to a sex shop and buying handcuffs for both your hands and legs. If you're too ashamed to go to a sex shop, you can buy Nane's Isolation Cuffs for $2,000. Lock your legs and then your hands, because if you lock your hands first you can't lock your legs. But if you lock your legs then your legs first, then you can't lock your hands with your fork, and if you go the opposite way, you can't lock your penis. So do as I say. Swallow the keys for both cuffs after you've done this, so you can't unlock them. This will make you unable to move and therefore render you unable to break free from your isolation.

Conclusion

Now that you've isolated yourself, you can stay alone with your own thoughts to the point of sexual arousal (Nane's bodily fluids might help. If you need more, you can buy 0.000054 litres for $1,000). After a few hours of this treatment and piss/shit in your pants, you will figure out that you have no way to escape it ever. You have two options: to sit like that until you die, or to pre-order Nane's Isolation Breakers in a set amount of time, who will come to your house, break the doors and unlock your cuffs. That service will cost you $100,000. No, Nane did not abuse your feelings and gaslight you into kidnapping yourself. You did it all by yourself. In fact, Nane never told you this. Fuck off, you're stupid and worthless.