Uncle Bimbo

Meet Uncle Bimbo. This is his custom house boat which he built one Saturday.

I mean, my family is weird and everything (But then again, whose isn't? Heh!), but you haven't seen downright bizarre until you've seen my Uncle Bimbo mimic a peacock during the height of mating season. Yes, he does that. Isn't that a hoot?

Sure, we might all have our "crazy Uncle Bob, teehee hohaha", but your crazy Uncle Bob is like a used toilet seat cover compared to the 15 year old, uncleaned, tipped over port-a-potty that is my Uncle Bimbo.

Uncle Bimbo and Enraged Delirium of the Third Generation

I could write for days about Uncle Bimbo. But considering that, I could write for weeks on a grain of sand. Says a lot about his personality, eh? Ha! Actually not really. Anyway, Uncle Bimbo's a real, er, chief. My family calls him that because of his face paint, moccasins, and urge to ride horses without a saddle. He makes a real hoot and a holler, and soon enough all of the buffalo in the neighborhood are gettin' all riled up thanks too chief captain one-armed space hero Bimbo on the hunt. He plays those roles too, you betcha.

Uncle Bimbo and the Purple Closet Demons

Uncle Bimbo has been married five times. Four of those marriages occurred at the same time, and none of them were to any of his sisters. My family thought that to be a little strange, but accepted it, yesiree. But once he divorced two of the women and engaged a duck instead, we knew something was up. And furthermore, it was a male duck! We concluded that he had probably ingested large amounts of lead paint chips, on accident. Of course, that was family tradition, and that's why I can't quite move my body the same way, now that I'm limited to 45° positions for my limbs. But we thought ol' Uncle Bimbo went just a little bit overboard, you know, like drinking a bucket of paint, or something like that.

Turns out Uncle Bimbo had thirteen purple closet demons floating around his bathroom door, shoving paint chips down his mouth for him. What a hoot!

Habits, Talents, Activities

Uncle Bimbo is what we like to call a renaissance man, meaning he can do a boatload of junk, practical or not. You see, roun' here, people can't really do much besides hunt and customize our pick'emup trucks and stuff. But Uncle Bimbo, he can do all sorts of stuff. For example, reading. He's the only guy in the direct family he got that down pat, yessir. So he spent his days reading the Big Book to the family, telling us about Jesus and his bright colored following heads of lettuce that were devoted to prayer with him. The Bible sure is a crazy book, yuppy doo!

Uncle Bimbo boasts his Rhino mask to the crowd with a pink skirt. All rhino masks in town were bought within the day and worn (mostly) by teenage girls trying to be attractive.

Mask Collection

Bimbo has the widest collection of masks on this side of China! He puts those squinty-eyed gooks to shame with his collection of realistic and vivid masks that can convince even the smartest of locals that he's something besides a human! Even though he probably isn't even without the masks, heh! He's got everything from a Bill Clinton Mask to a mask displaying a step by step process of cellular phagocytosis! (Don't ask me what that is—I just copied it from Wikipedia! Isn't this internet a real hoot?) He likes to wear them with complimentary contemporary clothing at the height of fashion. He is looked up to by many who wish to make positive fashion statements around town.

Standing on one foot

Ol' Uncle Bimbo has a real knack at standing on one foot. He once did it for fifty-two seconds. The whole town was making a real hoot out of it, groupin roun' and takin' pictures and things. It was great, and Uncle Bimbo got free booze from so many of them!

Um

That's about it, I think.

What a character, eh? Heh! He's like that guy from Sweet Home Alabama, my favorite movie. In fact, it's everyone's favorite movie in these parts.

Bimbo at Reunions

Family reunions are a real hoot roun' these parts, yes indeed. They consist of everyone in the town (we're all one big family, you see—enough wincest and the whole town is related to each other, yep'm!) drinkin Budweiser and Coors Light, while sharing stories about their hunting trips and showing off all of their shotguns and stuff. These here family reunions are a real racket, let me tell you that! Trying to fit a whole town into one person's house is quite a challenge.

Bimbo tries to hide from everyone because he's actually very anti-social. Did I forget to mention that? Well, it's true—he's the most famous person in town and hates it! Too many eyes on him and he starts to feel really small and uncomfortable, so he goes insane and grabs the nearest shotgun and starts killing everyone in sight! It's real fun if you're drunk enough. But one time things got out of hand when he killed town favorite Jethro, so we stopped having family reunions and locked Uncle Bimbo in the back yard in a dog cage. In order to do that we had to bring the dogs inside and give them Uncle Bimbo's room and bed, so the deal was done, yessir.

Political Endeavors

Bimbo's a real champ when it comes to poolitics. Everyone 'roun these parts loves him so dang much, he got elected mayor of the city three times in a row without even giving an election speech. I mean, what a hoot!

Of course, this lead to his death because he lead the city to bankruptcy and was assassinated. It's a real shame, because everyone loved ol' Bimbo.

See Also

• Uncle Sam
• Uncle Pete

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