Nursery rhymes

Nursery rhymes, also known as nursery crimes, cursery rhymes, hearsary rhymes and worsery rhymes by people who despise children and people who act like children, are rhymes taught to children to try and make them believe what their parents want them to believe. Despite society being more liberal these days, nursery rhymes continue to spread like wildfire, and in 2020 the first case of sheep teaching nursery rhymes to their little lambs was discovered, quickly copied by cats and their kittens, cows and their calves, and monkeys and their ... um ... monklets. Below are some infamous examples of nursery rhymes.

Larry Had a Little Ham

Larry had a little ham,
Its grease was red as blood.
And everywhere that Larry went,
The ham was soaked in mud.

It followed him to hell one day,
The day he told a lie.
And Satan took a tuning fork,
And stabbed them in the eye.

The moral of this story is,
If you don't tell the truth,
You'll be like Larry and his ham,
So please don't be uncouth.

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Lobster

Twinkle, twinkle, little lobster.
Who knew you were such a mobster?
When your workers don't obey,
You pinch their hands until they pay.
Twinkle, twinkle, little lobster,
Who knew you were such a mobster.

Twinkle, twinkle, lobster dear,
Pinch your soldiers on the ear.
Mafia bosses of the sea,
I pray that you don't pinch me.
Twinkle, twinkle, lobster dear,
Pinch your soldiers on the ear.

Twinkle, twinkle, crab-like thing,
Pinch their eyes until they sing.
Trade those rotten fish remains,
For twelve grams of seahorse brains.
Twinkle, twinkle, crab-like thing,
Pinch their eyes until they sing.

Little Jack Horno

Little Jack Horno was watching some porno,
Dreaming his life away.
He stuck out his thumb and got slapped by his mum,
And then all his hair turned gray.

Peter Potter

Peter Potter the potty pooper peered into the parlor.
Peter Potter the potty pooper paid a pretty penny.
Peter Potter the potty pooper pooped and peed and pooted,
Until Peter Potter the potty pooper popped like a purple pimple.

Dumpty Lumpty

Dumpty Lumpty took a big dump.
Dumpty Lumpty made quite a lump.
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Could not get that toilet flushing again.

Hickory Dickory Doo

Hickory Dickory Doo,
My wife is out of shampoo.
My son has no honey,
And I have no money,
Hickory Dickory Doo.

Hickory Dickory Doo,
My daughter has lost her kazoo
My son has no bread,
My wife's sick in bed,
Hickory dickory doo.

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Baa baa, black sheep,
Have you things to say?
No sir, no sir, my freedom's gone away.
White sheep took my right to speak,
And if I objected, no food for a week.
Baa baa, black sheep, have you things to say?
Not unless white sheep gets up and runs away.

Controversy

Many of the above rhymes shocked the world when they were first published. Having the main character explode at the end of Peter Potter made many children afraid to use the toilet, and the ending of "Dumpty Lumpty" also made children afraid, this time for the safety of the toilet and the people who used it afterwards. "Baa Baa Black Sheep" was clearly just a tale of racism told using sheep, while "Larry Had a Little Ham" had the scary mental image of Satan doing terrible things to sinners in hell. Though "Little Jack Horno" was intended to keep children away from pornography, the fact that pornography was mentioned at all was the center of the controversy. These days, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Lobster" is not taught as often as it used to be, since organized crime isn't as much of a pressing issue as it used to be. "Hickory Dickory Doo" of course reminds children of the possibility of poverty, and what life where everyone in the family is out of seemingly everything, including money, would be like. Because of these controversies, most children's sections only have extremely altered versions, such as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "Hickory Dickory Dock", and "Peter Piper". The controversial versions are now mostly spread by word of mouth, and one publisher is suing anyone who uploads the text of these original rhymes online ... oh crap, I think I just uploaded it!