Donald Trump

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Der Führer Trump

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Donald Trump has an old-school analog controller that unfortunately cannot be switched off.

Donald Trump is a gangsta blowhard of the old school, with an intense interest in neither facts nor dignity. He is a troll made of money, with a head covering better suited to a bass. And I'm not talking freshly caught, either.

Uses for Donald Trump[edit]

  1. Grabbing 'em by the pussy.
  2. Chewing on Tobacco made from the fresh dung of Alabama HillBillies
  3. Befouling expensive hotel bedding materials in different countries
  4. Spreading homosexuality, xenophobia, misogyny, sexism, racism, classism, and overall hatred through his numerous dialogues, alongside putting down disabled people, and displaying a belligerent (literally) hostility to exemplify his hunger for war.
  5. Making Klansmen and Nazis happy
  6. Calling CNN "fake news."
  7. A Hollandaise sauce laced with live lobsters poured over Donald Trump makes for an excellent way to apologize for being an errant spouse.
  8. Powdered and desiccated Donald Trump is excellent for drying out electronics when rice is unavailable.
  9. Donald Trump can be served with broccoli to a frost giant for laughs.
  10. Plastic surgery to look like Donald Trump is an excellent way to prove that you hate yourself.
  11. Serving as an example of Adolf Hitler's influence in terms of yelling a lot and having a ridiculous hairdo.
  12. Donald Trump blended with a freshly caught wig fish makes a most delicious soup, but it can cause a sudden urge to vomit. (It should be noted that many forms of interaction with Donald Trump will result in vomiting or being sexually harassed/assaulted if you're a woman.)
  13. Advertising slogans may be printed on Donald Trumps hair, and then by sticking his head out the window of a small airplane, made visible over a wide area.

Story[edit]

Too much.

Claiming to be a self-made billionaire when it turns out he relied on his dad for a million dollar investment to get him out of the streets, Donald Drumpf was born with that hairdo. Dissatisfied by his mother's breasts during breastfeeding, he fired his mother and was left with his egotistical father. Not wasting any time, Donald pushed his father off of a skyscraper funded by his company and took it over, first by building Drumpf Tower (with massive play areas on every floor and toys) and then making his own line of pacifiers.

In other words, the Drumpf has been a dick since his conception, so don't try to be intelligently logical with him (it'll mean the end of your candidacy, Hilly!) and just complain about the fall of the US government worthwhile or the total self-sodomy of democracy using a bloody enema that has been used multiple times by different people, m'kay?

Success story[edit]

“Im speaking with myself, number 1, because I have a very good brain, and I've said a lot of things.”

~ Donald Trump on his military strategy, when asked how he arrived at it

Never in the history of Western Civilization has something claiming to have human DNA and to have been born in the United States has there been such an annoying triviality as Donald Trump. I'd rather contract Mersa and Ebola simultaneously by having an infected tow truck rammed up my butt and come out though my nose than give this guy the slightest bit more attention.

Trump won, for his achievements, two What the shmuck did we say of you? prizes. The first prize came as a thanks from the planet for hatsening human extinction, and the other was in direct acknowledment for striking a deal with SARS-COV-2 to exist and infect unsuspecting Americans, pissing them off and their neck fat.

Rape and Physical Death[edit]

Donald Drumpf died in 2004 when he was raped super hard, like Goku. Little did anyone know that his death was caused by Butch McSpanky, who slithered it inside of him so fast and so hard that he died on impact.

His pet (his hair) was cremated and its ashes spread on his grave.

Resurrection[edit]

In 2006, he was resurrected by a group of vegetables in a cabbage patch somewhere in a wet vagina West Virginia that go by the name "Interestingly Dapper Organisation of Drump-like Substances". Their sole purpose was to make him become the scarecrow on their field since Jeremy Renner the velociraptor was not scary enough. His ashes merged together creating Trump 2.0. Trump, however, managed to escape from captivity (I guess you can say he turned the... (vege)TABLES on them ;D) and escaped into the world of politics again, with all-new hairstyles and mad policies for years to come.

There currently exists a religious church dedicated to Donald Trump's resurrection in Paris, Ohio called "The Church of Saintly Capitalistic Endeavors Eden Costco" They believe in the second resurrection of Donald Trump and when he comes he will bring the world to come, punishing anyone with tiny hands and an IQ over 20. Members of the church have to sell their soul to Trump first. The process to do this is very intricate, the first step being "watch every episode of Jersey Shore five times." The rest of the steps are too dumb for the English language to articulate. The people who made The Church of Saintly Capitalistic Endeavors Eden Costco are also trying to found a church for Vladimir Putin. Donate to their patreon please, anyone who makes a donation over $100,000 gets a picture of shirtless Putin and Trump gently holding hands while watching the sunset on the Great Wall of Crimea River Mexico. Currently all donations to the Patreon have been taken by Trump to use for his campaign.

Death of Mexico[edit]

He did it. And then he made Mexico pay for how he made Apple make all the computers in the US like George Dubya wanted. And then you just realised you can't start a sentence with And.

You just did!

Impeachment[edit]

But it was also a conspiracy of this guy

It doesn't make a bit of difference. The Senate is inert.

(That means it doesn't work.)

See Also[edit]


2016 US Election
An Illogicopedian guide to a very something-cratic election. Hide the kids!
Hilly the First Female (Democracy or what?) Bigger than life, like Texas (It's a republic obviously)
For a better nickname... (Republicant (with the ant on the end) Three generations and counting (Like Fox News) IRISH-ish (I'm pretty democrazy) Money does the job (Rep yet again) Not related to KFC (On the far bluish end) John Ithinki'mgonnabesick (The GOP will gladly clean my mess) Green-skinned Frankenstein (It might be the cannabis...)
Result: Let's all move to Canada!
See who's in and who's out
Final Candidates
It's Hillary-ous how negligent yet over-qualified she is to do this!
Rigging and bribing my way to the top is the ultimate political Trump card!
The Presidents of the United States of America (not the band)
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Abraham LincolnBarack ObamaBill ClintonBlah ClintonFranklin D. RooseveltGeorge BushGeorge Dubya BushGeorge W BushGeorge W. BushGeorge WashingmachineGeorge WashingtonJohn F. KennedyMillard FeelmoreObama Bin LadenRichard NixonRonald ReaganDonald Trump * Thomas Jefferson

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Gods
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André BretonBONJOOK, The Banana GodCheeriosCthulhuFlying Spaghetti MonsterGodGod 2.0G-dGoshGrim ReaperGrim SweeperJoccu-ThanMonkey GodMr BlobbyMr. Peepers, the Duck Hunt dogPrincess StargloQuetzalcoatlRococo BasiliskSpace SatanThe God of Fried Chicken DrippingsXenu

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