Oh Domino

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This article has been deemed
because it's cool enough to curdle cheese.
See more EPICS


The dog lifted his leg on the rosebush and got his prick pricked. When the owner of the property came out later, she didn't know this and so got pee on her hand which she thought was dew when she went to take a rose. Ew. She brought the clipped flower into the house and kissed her husband as he was stepping out the door to go to work. The dog didn't notice, but the fish in the tank all turned to watch. Since the tank was near the window, they'd seen the actions of the dog and laughed as much as one can underwater.

The man got into his cab and they pulled into traffic, heading towards the city. He thought of how much he liked fish - a squeeze of lemon and some tartar sauce. For some reason, their fish were disappearing one-by-one. No one could explain this. At the next redlight, he leaned forward and snapped the neck of the taxi driver because the driver reminded him of his psychotic grandmother. He stepped out of the cab and headed for the subway.

In the subway, there was a dirty woman playing a guitar, singing in Spanish. People walked by, dropping change into her case. She said to the man, the fox is loose, the dogs are blind. She looked him dead in the eye. Then she collected her change, put her guitar away, and headed for the subway that had just arrived. The man didn't know what to make of this weird situation, but he climbed aboard the subway as well.

As he turned to get off the train, a young boy brushed against his back side, stealing his wallet. The man never noticed. The boy ran away to the turnstile and pushed through, disappearing into the pedestrian traffic in case he had been discovered. He ran straight home where his father lay passed out on the easychair and his mother was changing diapers on the twins.

He said, "Look Mom! Forty-three bucks! I did good, huh?"

His mother only grunted. She was exhausted and so took the money and stuffed it into her bra.

From the other room, they heard the call, "Beer!" and the woman said, "Watch them," while she fetched a beer from the refrigerator and took it to the father. He downed the beer in one go, and said, "I'm going to go for a paper. Be back later. Any money, mother?"

She said no, then listened quietly until she heard the front door slam. As she began to cry, the boy ran after his father out into the street. He couldn't find him but he made his way down to the magazine stand and began looking around for his father. The proprietor shooed him away and turned back to his shelf-stocking. He'd just finished filling the "Big Asses" section when a drunk driver drove over the curb and crashed into the magazine stand, killing the boy, smearing him over the glossy pages. The owner had jumped out of the way in time, called 911 and went to see about the boy. He promptly threw up at the disgusting mess. The driver was more or less a smooge on the windshield. He turned away and sat down on the curb as the inevitable crowd gathered awaiting the arrival of the police.

After a few moments, you could hear the sirens and a terrorist, who thought they were coming after him, opened fire into the crowd, killing several people before turning the gun back on himself. Standing nearby, there was an angel who wept at the scene and prayed for the souls of the bullets. It had a demon on one shoulder and a human on the other. No one had ever heard of a human being the conscience of an angel in the afterlife, so why not now?

It turns out that the human on its shoulder was, in fact, Mahatma Ghandi. This kept the angel from doing anything useful, while the demon kept telling the angel that it was useless. So the angel despaired and walked out into traffic, being in exactly the right place and time to be run down by the police car. They didn't notice as the angel passed under the front of the vehicle.

Because of the smooshing of the angel, the sun came out. It was actually a beautiful day, the sun revolving around the flat Earth. And then there were horses and giant fairies who lived as slaves under the Republicans. But that's another story.

This angel got up and brushed itself off, being immortal, you know. But the demon was angry and blew a raspberry into the ear of the policewoman who was driving. Immediately, her self-esteem plummeted. She was confused for a moment and decided that now would be a good time for a drink, so she pulled out the bottle of whiskey from underneath her seat and took a large swig. Now she was braced for what she had to do. Did she have a problem with drinking? Of course not. She got it right every time.

As she got out of the car and approached the crowd, she missed a $20 bill crumpled up on the street next to the curb. It was not, however, missed by a passing teenage transvestite, who picked it up and went for breakfast. No one seemed to notice him as he made his way back through the crowd and headed for his favorite restaurant. Unfortunately, the waitress was rude to him because of his taste in skirts. She dropped a cockroach onto his eggs and served it to him. He promptly vomited, then called for the manager.

When the manager came, he saw the cockroach too, threw up, and went to fire the cook. But the transvestite said he thought it was the waitress and that they should call the health department. The manager begged him not to do so, and offered him $100 to let the matter alone. After some thought, he said he would agree if the manager fired the waitress. The manager agreed.

When the waitress found out about this, she took out a pocket pistol and shot both him and the manager and in despair, herself as well. She was, after all, a sleeper for Al-Qaeda. She knew her soul would go to heaven.

When she arrived in heaven, the transvestite preceded her and was allowed to roam around free. She couldn't go in until the transvestite and manager forgave her, so she sent a note asking for forgiveness from the two men, and sat outside the pearly gates reading a magazine like in a doctor's office. This was lucky, because God was a doctor and wanted to see her healed. Besides, the magazines were old. So God let the men know that they would have no lasting peace until they forgave her. Then God went into his little private room, set himself up with a martini and drank it down. He remembered the good old days when people argued to his face that he didn't exist. Poor deluded left-handed bastards. There was still a few atheists in the lockup downstairs. If they only knew that all they had to do was reject him to his face, they'd be free. But they chose to believe that they were delusional in their experience of him and hence was not real enough to be rejected.

He remembered fondly one young man who was delusional. This man kept talking to his imaginary friend, who was not imaginary to him. Day after day, he sat at the window and drank coffee until one day a brick came crashing through the window, striking him in the head. Suddenly, he was cured! And so was his friend! He found a cliff near his house, secured a local cable channel for his friend and then began stealing neighborhood cats, tying them up in burlap sacks and throwing them over the cliff, watching them plummet until landing on the rocks below with an appropriate "poomp" delayed from the sight by the speed of sound. But he wasn't the only one to be deluded.

There was this one fellow who was convinced that God was a giant green beach ball in which his brain lived. He argued incessantly about this with "rational" people who just didn't get it. He didn't understand squirrels or cats or ghosts or frightened squished angels or poor people or dead alcoholic policemen. But he understood women and country music and when he died in a small town in Texas, they discovered that he was mighty tasty, too.