"My parents aren't home," young Wadsworth observed, "They're gone for the weekend. I should throw a wild party, with all manner of zany, drunken antics. Then my parents will come home early, find me partying and drinking, and they'll punish me. It will be a heartwarming coming of age tale. In the end, the moral will be to always do what your parents tell you. Even if they're asking you for a testicle massage."
Wadsworth grinned to himself.
"Would you kindly stop talking? I'm trying to take a test!" said the girl sitting next to him. And so she was.
It was a classroom filled with 16, 15, and 4 year old children. The four year old child was in there by mistake.
All the students were trying to take a test, but it was very hot in the room. This was because of an air current drifting through the northeast, bringing with it a change in pressure that caused hot weather. Also, the room was hot because there was a blast furnace in the corner.
"There's a blast furnace in the corner," said Wadsworth loudly, pointing at it.
"No there isn't!" screamed the teacher, shielding it.
"Oh," said Wadsworth. He licked his test. It tasted rather yummy. He nibbled a corner of it, then projectile vomited.
"If you must vomit, please get a hall pass and do so outside!" screamed the teacher, throwing a brick at Wadsworth. It missed, hitting a bookshelf and sending a pornographic novel tumbling onto a student's head.
"Hey! Porn!" said the student. He began reading it.
"Alas," said the teacher, "I keep my porn on the top shelf, because you kids are all so short that none of you can reach that shelf. My secret is revealed."
"SHUT UP!" screamed another girl, "I'm trying to take a test!"
"I masturbated and blood came out," said the hobo in the corner.
"HEY!" screamed the teacher, brandishing his cattle prod at the hobo, "I allowed you to live in the corner of my classroom, but I did NOT grant you permission to make gratuitously disgusting announcements about bodily functions to my class!"
"Sorry," said the hobo, as he went back to stroking his hairless ferret. And yes, "hairless ferret" is meant to have a double meaning.
"I WONDER WHAT THE ANSWER TO QUESTION TEN IS!!!" yelled one student.
"This test only has nine questions, you imbecile!" bellowed the teacher, and he began pummeling the student. The other students yawned.
"I do wish I could throw a wild house party when my parents weren't around. DON'T DO THAT TO MY COUCH! Uhm...yeah." said Wadsworth.
"What are you talking about?" said his best friend Luigi, who was splurting ketchup onto his test.
"...I...don't know, now that you mention it," said Wadsworth, "I've been having a great amount of difficulty concentrating on this test. I keep thinking about a house party, for some reason. And my ears hurt. Why are you squirting ketchup onto your test?"
"First of all, I'm not squirting it, I'm splurting it. And it's meant to be an allegory for the violence of mankind. I was going to cut my wrists and dribble the blood onto the page, but alas, I lent my razor to my little sister. So I'm forced to use ketchup."
"But the ketchup could be an allegorical symbol for the artificiality of consumer culture!" screamed the four year old girl who had materialized next to Luigi.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Luigi, stepping on her.
Just then, a man walked into the room. He was the principle of the school. He wore glasses. He sneezed violently, and his brain flew out. Then he left the room.
"Oh dear," said the hobo in the corner, "A brain."
The room was then engulfed in total silence, punctuated only by the Swedish folk music that one student was singing loudly in the corner.
Wadsworth observed his shoes. He was wearing two shoes. He wondered who it was who made them. He wondered how long it took to make them. He wondered if the person who made them had lived a happy life. He wondered if that person was alive today. He then noticed a small stain on one shoe, and was engulfed in fury.
"MY SHOE HAS A STAIN ON IT!!!" he bellowed to the room, "A STAIN!! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!"
He threw the shoe. It landed on the top shelf, next to the porn.
"Now I'll have to masturbate to your shoe." said the teacher, "I hope it's an attractively shaped stain."
Wadsworth looked down at his test. It said:
QUESTION FOUR: WHY DO YOUR EARS HURT?
Wadsworth shrugged, and wrote "Because it's PARTY TIME!"
He was not sure why, but he felt strangely sure that this was the right answer.
"It smells like smoke in here," he said loudly.
"That's only because several of the students have burst into flames," said the teacher matter-of-factly.
He was correct. About five of the students had been concentrating so hard on trying to solve one of the test's questions (The question was, incidentally, QUESTION FIVE: LOOK! THERE'S FOAM EVERYWHERE? True or FALSE?) that they burst into flames.
"They smell awful." observed Wadsworth. He was correct. He wrote "they smell awful" in the top right corner of the test.
"I agree. I should probably extinguish them before they're burnt beyond recognition," said the teacher. He pulled a fire hydrant out of his pocket, and began beating the burning children with it. Soon, the fire was out, but they were all unconscious.
"I'm afraid passing out during a test is unnacceptable." said the teacher, "You four are expelled. Five. Etc."
Wadsworth found the teacher's use of the phrase "unnacceptable" rather interesting. He wrote the word "unnacceptable" on his test, where his name should have gone. It now said NAME: Unnacceptable. Wadsworth found this amusing. He laughed loudly. This laugh turned into a shriek as the pain in his ears worsened. "What is that?" he screamed.
"What is what?" said Luigi, who was now sprinkling his test with dead ants.
"That pain in my ears!"
"I don't know. Check your answer to question four."
Just then, a man walked into the room with a box of coffee mugs. The teacher starting drinking from the mugs.
"enjoying the coffee?" said the hobo in the corner, as he popped a zit.
"Oh yes," said the teacher. But Wadsworth noticed something odd. The coffee mugs were filled with toothpicks instead of coffee. He wrote "toothpick" as his answer to question seven, which was, ALL OF THEM?
He continued to think about toothpicks as two of the other students spontaneously pulled out dueling knives and began fighting in the middle of the class.
The teacher said: "UMGGHKFKFO!" This was all he was capable of saying because of the toothpicks that were now spilling from his mouth.
The pain in Wadsworth's ears was steadily worsening. Luigi had resumed spraying ketchup on his test, and was drooling.
Suddenly, Wadsworth became aware that the entire room was shaking. Or so he thought. Or perhaps he was the only one who was shaking.
"WHO?" screamed Wadsworth, "I have a test, dammit!"
"HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY TO YOUR MOTHER?"
Wadsworth opened his eyes.
He was lying on his couch.
His body was smeared with ketchup, which spelled out the words, "Great party, Wadsworth!"
His ears were crammed with toothpicks.
His living room was completely demolished, and filled with teenagers, most of them passed out.
"What happened?" said Wadsworth.
"You threw a party while we were away for the weekend," said his mother, "And apparently you passed out after eating a mushroom. You had some sort of hallucination. You kept screaming about a test. And apparently while you were passed out, your friends, Luigi included, thought it would be funny to spray ketchup on you, and fill up your ears with toothpicks."
"What an elaborate plot twist!" Wadsworth announced.
"You're grounded until you die!"
Wadsworth slowly crawled off the couch, still slightly confused, and began to pluck the toothpicks from his ear, one at a time.
What a party!