Pigeons are the most annoying bird ever. Trust me. I know. Many pigeons are thieves, gluttons, assassins, beggars, fnurdles, pets, mercenaries, evil criminal masterminds, pawn shop owners, rouges, and chefs (don't ask). Pigeons also sometimes attack people for no reason. Simply put, they are the most annoying bird ever. In fact, some pigeons aren't even real birds—they're robots created by George Bush to spy on American citizens, all in the name of counterterrorism.
How to kill a pigeon
Since pigeons are so annoying, I will teach you how kill one.
- Step 1: Run at it like a maniac.
- Step 2: Grab it by the tail feathers.
- Step 3: 'Accidentally' pull the tail feathers off.
- At this point the pigeon will get ticked off and start pecking you. Watch out for that.
- Step 4: Ignore narrator and get pecked till you start bleeding.
- Step 5: Attempt to strangle the pigeon.
- The pigeon however, will not go quietly. If it escapes your grip, (which it will) follow the steps below.
- Step 6: Whack it upside the head with a rubber spatula.
- Step 7: Stab it with a knife, only to find out its bones are made of petroleum jelly.
- I guess you're wondering why its bones are petroleum jelly. That's a decoy you moron. The real pigeon is right behind you.
- Step 8: Scream at the top of your lungs.
- Step 9: Curl up, somersault, stop, crouch, and start bawling uncontrollably.
- Step 10: Realize that the pigeon is indestructible.
- Step 11: Beg for mercy.
- To this the pigeon will reply: "It's too late for that punk!" and call in friends.