Principia Zimizmia
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The holy text of Zimizmizm. If you don't know what Zimizmizm is, it's a rip-off of Discordianism. To understand the teachings of Zim, read on!
THE PRINCIPIA ZIMIZMIA
or
THE PARABLE OF THE LAMP, ELEPHANT AND BEEFSTEAK, EXTENDED, INCLUDING THE KAMA SUTRA AND THE LONDON UNDERGROUND MAP
EVERYTHING IS TRUE, BUT ALSO A LIE. REVEREND ZIM_ULATOR KNOWS THIS. ANALOGUE VANILLA REFRACTORY SPOONERISMS.
--CHAPTER ONE: ANFII'S CONVERSION--
Anfii was a light man with a nervous coughing habit. He couldn't spend time on his own, but he was about to be converted. Zim_ulator appeared to him in his own dream and said to him 'My man Anfii, you shall be exalted to the heavens above. Give me some cabbage too. You shall learn to understand the mysterious, sacred ways of Zim.'
'What?' Anfii replied. 'I don't see.'
So he explained. 'To understand Zim you can't be a man. You must be a cabbage.' 'A cabbage?!' 'Yes. A cabbage.' And he transformed Anfii.
Soon he was annoyed. 'I am a cabbage!' But the Reverend shouted, 'Now you shall understand, you insolent man! You are a cabbage with an eye... the Holy Eye of Kaizum.'
Indeed. And that was the least of Anfii's problems...
--CHAPTER TWO: BOB--
Bob was a fine man, like Anfii except not as nervous and easy to argue with. But he became famous, acknowledged by even the Reverend himself, for his signature. It was like this:
This message was brought 2 u by the all-mighty Bob...
/\/\/\
/ \
/ @ \
( >
\____) /
\______/
|
|
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
|
|
/ \
/ \
/ \
& all the little Bobbys.
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
/+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /B\ /O\ /B\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\ /+\
/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \
___________________________________________________
| Things to do today |
|___________________________________________________|
|Take out |Do the |Vacuum the |Conquer the |
|the trash |dishes |living room |world |
|____________|___________|____________|_____________|
There's nothing quite as funny as a "Yo mama" joke:
Yo mama joke #1: Yo mama's so fat, she say on a rainbow & skittles popped out.
Yo mama joke #2: Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a donut & brought it back because
it had a hole in it.
Yo mama joke #3: Yo mama's so fat, when God said "let there be light" an angel came
down & told her to move he big fat ass.
Yo mama joke #4: Yo mama's so hairy, Big Foot takes pictures of *her*.
Yo mama joke #5: Yo mama's like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.
Yo mama joke #6: Yo mama's so fat, when we got through havin' sex, I rolled over
twice and I was still on top.
Yo mama joke #7: Yo mama's so stupid, she stared at a carton of orange juice for 15
minutes because it had the word "Concentrate" on it.
Yo mama joke #8: I saw yo mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she
was doing and she said, "Moving."
Yo mama joke #9: Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's
backing up
Yo mama joke #10: Yo mama's so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama joke #11: Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama joke #12: Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mama joke #13: Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed
her for the New World.
Yo mama joke #14: Yo mama's so fat she lay on the beach and people run around
yelling "Free Willy"!
Yo mama joke #15: Yo mama's so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo mama joke #16: Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on
12th.
Yo mama joke #17: Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it read's "one at a
time, please."
Yo mama joke #18: Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says "we don't do
livestock."
Yo mama joke #19: Yo mama's so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama joke #20: Yo mama's so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get
on her good side!
Yo mama joke #21: Yo mama's so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo mama joke #22: Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama joke #23: Yo mama's so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace rolled her
back in!
Yo mama joke #24: Yo mama's so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two
trips!
Yo mama joke #25: Yo mama's so stupid she got hit by a parked car!
Yo mama joke #26: Yo mama's so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out
of gas.
Yo mama joke #27: Yo mama's so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band
skips.
Yo mama joke #28: Yo mama's so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a
twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo mama joke #29: Yo mama's so fat when she wears one of those X jackets,
helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama joke #30: Yo mama's so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite
pictures
Yo mama joke #31: Yo mama's so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she
rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama joke #32: Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama joke #33: Yo mama's so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted)
sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama joke #34: Yo mama's so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she
ran out with a spoon
Yo mama joke #35: Yo mama's so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head to make-up
her mind
Yo mama joke #36: Yo mama's so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama joke #37: Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved
to death!
Yo mama joke #38: Yo mama's so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical
order!
Yo mama joke #39: Yo mama's so stupid she used to work quality control in an M&M
factory, but they fired her because she took out all the ones with W's on them
Yo mama joke #40: Yo mama's so stupid she sold her car for gas money
Yo mama joke #41: Yo mama's so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight
Yo mama joke #42: Yo mama's so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911?"
Yo mama joke #43: Yo mama's so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she
slept
Yo mama joke #44: Yo mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo mama joke #45: Yo mama's so stupid she stole free bread
Yo mama joke #46: Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl
Yo mama joke #47: Yo mama's so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check
Yo mama joke #48: Yo mama's so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back
Yo mama joke #49: Yo mama's so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel
Prize winners
Yo mama joke #50: Yo mama's so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul
Train
Yo mama joke #51: Yo mama's so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex", she
marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo mama joke #52: Yo mama's so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch
Yo mama joke #53: Yo mama's so stupid she jumped out the window and went up
Yo mama joke #54: Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application,
she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama joke #55: Yo mama's so ugly when she entered an ugly contest, they said
"Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama joke #56: Yo mama's so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for
mooning
Yo mama joke #57: Yo mama's so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a
treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama joke #58: Yo mama's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama joke #59: Yo mama's so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried
out for Star Wars.
Yo mama joke #60: Yo mama's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her
ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama joke #61: Yo mama's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillence cameras
Yo mama joke #62: Yo mama's so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama joke #63: Yo mama's so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to
get the dog to play with her
Yo mama joke #64: Yo mama's so ugly when she walks down the street in September,
people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama joke #65: Yo mama's so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday
Yo mama joke #66: Yo mama's so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip
joints
Yo mama joke #67: Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry
Yo mama joke #68: Yo mama's so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her
Yo mama joke #69: Yo mama's so ugly she turned Medusa to stone
Yo mama joke #70: Yo mama's so ugly people go as her for Halloween
Yo mama joke #71: Yo mama's so ugly she scares the roaches away
Yo mama joke #72: Yo mama's so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so
that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye
Yo mama joke #73: Yo mama's so old I told her to act her age, and she died
Yo mama joke #74: Yo mama's so old she has Jesus' phone number
Yo mama joke #75: Yo mama's so old her social security number is 2
Yo mama joke #76: Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was no history
class
Yo mama joke #77: Yo mama's so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks
Yo mama joke #78: Yo mama's so old Jesus is in her yearbook
Yo mama joke #79: Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook
Yo mama joke #80: Yo mama's so old her birth certificate expired
Yo mama joke #81: Yo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo mama joke #82: Yo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper
Yo mama joke #83: Yo mama's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo mama joke #84: Yo mama's so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was
10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything"
Yo mama joke #85: Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention
Yo mama joke #86: Yo mama's so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other
people's fingers
Yo mama joke #87: Yo mama's so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama joke #88: Yo mama's so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on
layaway
Yo mama joke #89: Yo mama's so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp
Yo mama joke #90: Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it
air conditioning
Yo mama joke #91: Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence
Yo mama joke #92: Yo mama's so short she can play handball on the curb
Yo mama joke #93: Yo mama's so short she does backflips under the bed
Yo mama joke #94: Yo mama's so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the
stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt
Yo mama joke #95: Yo mama's so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the
crabs fresh
Yo mama joke #96: Yo mama's so nasty she made speed stick slow down
Yo mama joke #97: Yo mama's so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an
ear infection
Yo mama joke #98: Yo mama's so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth
Yo mama joke #99: Yo mama's so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now
everybody calls her Hair Jordan
Yo mama joke #100: Yo mama's so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone
commented on her nice belt
Yo mama joke #101: Yo mama's so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy
in line behind me had the correct change
Yo mama joke #102: Yo mama's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
Yo mama joke #103: Yo mama's so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo
daddy has two jobs
Yo mama joke #104: Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared
Yo mama joke #105: Yo mama's so bald even a wig wouldn't help
Yo mama joke #106: Yo mama's so bald you can see whats on her mind
Yo mama joke #107: Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed
Yo mama joke #108: Yo mama's so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the
moon
Yo mama joke #109: Yo mama's so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the
mouth
Yo mama joke #110: Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall
Yo mama joke #111: Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she
can see people waving
Yo mama joke #112: Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future
Yo mama joke #113: Yo mama's got so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it
Yo mama joke #114: Yo mama's so stupid she's got green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo mama joke #115: Yo mama smells so bad her blood type is BO+
Yo mama joke #116: Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a quarter and got two dimes and a
nickel
Yo mama joke #117: Yo mama's so fat she rolls off both sides of the bed
Yo mama joke #118: Yo mama's so old Jesus gave her an autographed Bible
Yo mama joke #119: Yo mama's so old, her social security number is a negative number
Yo mama joke #120: Yo mama's so short that when she tried out as a munchkin in
Wizard of Oz, they told her to come back when she grew a foot taller
Yo mama joke #121: Yo mama's so ugly, she went out fully-clothed and they arrested
her for indecent exposure
Yo mama joke #122: Yo mama's so slutty she pays people to do her
Yo mama joke #123: Yo mama's so smelly that they issue smog warnings when she farts
Yo mama joke #124: Yo mama's so fat that a light snack in her opinion is enough to
feed the 112th army infantry
Yo mama joke #125: Yo mama's so fat that when she walked by the TV you missed 3 episodes
& now for the quoteing portion of my sig:
Narshe is a neutral city. We want no war here. But that #@%!* Empire won't listen...
--The guy in front of the armor shop in Narshe
Shut up!! --SABIN
it's not the dress that makes you look fat! It's the *fat* that makes you look fat!
-Al, err, Clyde
Would you do it with a cat? Would you do it on a mat? -Some guy in my class
Here, John, feel it -Same guy as above.
?!?!?!...GAU! --GAU if you renamed him to ?!?!?! :-)
I just got a call from the doctor & umm... I'm dieing, I have Bulgaria. -Kelly
Well how long do you have Pumpkin? -Al
Untill Xmass morning, & the only known cure is a good Xmass present, you know in the
250-275 $ range. -Kelly
誰か、日本語で、書いてぇ～ --=?ISO-2022-JP?B?GyRCPzcwZiEhPWdGcxsoSg==?=4
I am... the microwave... the microwave and I... are one... -KeFKa
Jefferson... We're on the voyage of the damned!-Al
Heed my words, for thou art fools... -Eurynomus - King of The Dragons
When a ship goes under the sea, it's called sinking -Guy
Butthead, I'm going to show you how much better the world would be if you were never
born -Charley
I have me finger stuck in me bum... --Noel Herradura
My love is my sword --Dekar (I hope they never decide to have children (Ouch!))
The man on the throne is our king.-Zepel
It seems Maxim knows everything-The Man on the Throne
Is there a Guy here-(no name given)
I'm a genies you know, & I'm saying it will be safe so that's that.-Lexis
Didn't I just say I tries somthing different?!-Selan
Did it work?-Maxim
Evil's good...-Luke Drelick
Here's some more quotes, Take a good look @ them and you'll see why I gave them the
honor of of being in my sig.
TERRA...come one, let's go! Unless we stop Kefka all's lost! --The mysterious voice
that says everything when you have an option of who's in your party & the game
doesn't know who you have so it just puts these things (") around what it says in
the text box
They're no stronger than humans, Gia. --Selan (speaking to Guy)
In most cases, the B button cancles the last choice you mde --Page 7 of the FF3US
Instruction Booklet
And now for my favorits section of quotes:
Bob's old sig kicked so much ass! BRING IT BACK! -Luke Drelick
DOWN WITH 2 LINE SIG FILES!!! UP WITH 200 LINE SIG FILES!!!
-russr@plainfield.bypass.com
Long live the sig! --cronodas@aol.com
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.... THE MICROWAVE SAGA!!!
(originally posted on alt.games.final-fantasy under the subject line "Hmmmm...")
KeFKa: I don't like this one bit...
well, I don't!
S-s-stop looking at me like that!
ALL OF YOU, STOP!
ecspecially you, Eggnog, I hope you die a horrible death...
ALL OF YOU! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE!
Draagn: What? What happened? Why are you complaining? What did Eggnog do?
Did I miss something?
What's wrong with this guy, anyway?
KeFKa: Eggnog... erherherher... yess... I'll get im' good, heh heh heh.
I have a feeling our friend Eggnog is going to have a little...
"accident" MWA HA HA HA HA!
Draagn: Hey, are you planning a conspiracy against the head of THC
International?
What do you have against him, anyway?
(Besides the fact that you're a little, um...never mind..)
KeFKa: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!
The voices are all around.
Laughing and TAUNTING me with their death lyes.
It is now clear to me, that I am the unholy profit of satin,
and it is my mission hear on earth, to make sure that the death of
Eggnog, will bring upon a new age of, disease, death and suffering.
Eggnog: I'm here man. Come get me. The death of me won't stop them.
They're all around. And they're acting on their own power. I only gave
them the idea. They chose to play it out on their own. If you want me,
you know where to find me...
KeFKa: Sup, eggnog. Howzit goin'?
The reason I was acting weird before is that I fell asleep watching a
fire on TV. Later I found out it was a runing, burning, open microwave.
It was beaming intense radioactive waves into my brain for 9 hours.
Firesinger: Just thought that I would make things just
a LITTLE easier to read......
PS- Names that are ????? I don't know who wrote them.
Draagn: That was me. I fixed it.
KeFKa: Well I'am glad that's all cleared up. This series of posts was pretty cool.
What shall we name it, just "Hmmmm..."?
>>THE ALL-MIGHTY BOB<<: How about we take a vote? I think we should call
it "The Microwave Saga" What do you think?
And the rest, is history
-----------------------------------------------------
Now, time for a little storie, I hope you haven't heard it before. It's "The Samurai
championship and the reporter"
There was a samurai contest, and at the end a reporter decided to do his job
and report on it...
First, he talked to the 3rd place Samurai, "Why did you finish 3rd?"
The samurai replied, "Watch."
He opened a window, and a fly flew in. The Samurai swung his blade and
sliced the fly in half.
The reported gasped, and said "Wow, if 3rd place is THIS good, I cant wait
to see the 2nd place Samurai!"
So he went to talk to the 2nd place Samurai. He asked "Why did you finish 2nd?"
The Samurai replied, "Watch."
He opened a window and a fly flew in, and he swung twice and chopped it in
four pieces.
The reported gasped again, and said "Wow, if 2nd place is THIS good, I cant
wait to see the 1st place Samurai!"
So he went and asked the winning Samurai, "Why is it that you won the
tournament?"
The Samurai replied, "Watch."
He opened a window, and a fly flew in. The Samurai slashed at it, and it
flew away unscathed.
The reporter said "But, you didn't kill it!"
The Samurai replied "No, but It'll never have kids again."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Pan Datrick : Now on Sportscentral <G>... about 50 overpaid sports stars stub
their toes, all are listed as doubtful for their next games...
the NY Islanders win a game...that's right they win. WIN I tell
you!!!... And in fight news..the stars of Final Fantasy II take
on the Final Fantasy III all-stars in a battle royal at Kefka's
Tower Casino and Resort Hotel...NEXT!
<theme music dah dah dah....dah dah dah>
Thief Olderman : Hello everybody alongside my tag team partner Pan Datrick,
I'm Thief Olderman. Crisp Burnedman is in the football
studios...but first our cover story, Pan?
Pan Datrick : Thanks, Thief... It's been about 3 years..but the stars of
2 of SquareSoft's best RPGs will square off in a long awaited
matchup. Though on the same label, this will be a bloody,
violent grudge match.
Thief Olderman : That's right Pan, these two groups have wanted to see who's
the dominant RPG party. This almost basketball-like match
will pit 5 starters from each squad, with subs waiting to
enter the fray. The first team with no players who
are not "Swooned" or "Wounded" will lose.
Pan Datrick : Now before we take you to the live action, let's get a statement
from both teams promoters, Archenemy turned Squaresoft rep,
Gesthal...
<at a press conference>
Gesthal : I can guarantee a fight worth the pay-per-view money. This long
awaited battle will take place, even if someone breaks a thumb
<nervous coughing>. Next question?
Spam McDonaldson : Yeah, uhh I'm looking forward to a good fight and I agree
it's worth the money, but why is your hair grayer and
sticking up more?
Gesthal : Hm.... excuse me, I have to defend myself of Magicite Fraud
<more nervous coughing>...
Pan Datrick : Well there you have it folks, and I've just been told that the
opening ceremonies are about to kick off, so let's go live to
Kefka's Tower Casino and Resort Hotel...
<at the arena>
P.A. : Lllllllladies and gentelmen...lets get ready to rumblllllllllllle!!!
<frenzied cheering> speaking of rumble, anyone not want their nachos?
my stomach wont stop <G>
Crowd : Boooooooo
P.A. : okok...And now, the Final Fantasy National Anthem, to be sung by the
Narshe Moogle Choir... <clap clap clap>
Conductor : Kupo 1...kupo 2...<raises baton>
Moogles : "Oh my hero..so far away now...will I ev-er see your smile"
<EDITORS NOTE> Since you know the song and I might embarass myself by getting
a line wrong, we'll stop now...
<crowd goes wild>
P.A. : Thank you, moogles...and now, your visiting Final Fantasy II
Allstars!
<mix of cheering and booing> Edge the Ninja...Rydia the Caller...Rosa
the White Wizard...Kain the Dragoon...and the captain...Cecil the
Paladin!!! <cheering>. The trainers are the Dwarven Nurses, assistant
coaches Asura and Leviatan...and the head coach, at a lifetime of 930
wins, 6 losses...theeeeeeeeee Elder!!! <cheering>
<arena goes dark, loud music playing with a laser show>
P.A. : And now... your 1995 Nintendo Power RPG award winners (I think - Ed.)
The FiNaL FaNTaSY 3 aLL-STaRS!!!! <wild cheering and louder music>
Edgar, King of Figaro <women screaming>..Sabin, pro bodybuilder...
Celes, Magicite Knight....Locke, Thi..uh treasure hunter! <sigh of
relief from crowd>...and the captain...the Greenhaired Guardian...the
Emerald Eradicator...Terra!!! <crowd deafening>
P.A. : The trainer is Cid, assistant coach is Banon, and the head coach...at
1,823,354 wins, 1 loss to his current team. The reformed and
destructive...Kefka!!!
Crisp Burnedman : You can feel the enthusiasm as the two squads hit the
battlefield, ready to fight! Let's get to the coin
toss...
P.A. : And now..our official referee for the match..Crono!
Crono : When doomsday is averted, life gets slow. Oh well... FF3 captain,
call it in the air! <flips coin>
Terra : Heads!
<Sabin nudges Edgar and whispers something about the coin, Edgar winks>
Crono : And...heads it is! <cheering> You may choose where the battle
takes place, thanks to HoloField! (c) Figaro Industries..
Terra : <confers with team> Fanatic's Tower, ref.
<teams get into position on the stairs>
Crono : GO!! <blows whistle, and a Big Chocobo appears> damn..wrong whistle
<G>
<Sabin slides down about 5 bannisters, and comes face to face with Edge>
Edge : Cop off my hair, will you? <draws swords>
Sabin : Oh, give it a rest <chanting Blitz>
Edge : Oh no you dont! <kicks Sabin in the stomach making him lose the chant>
Sabin : Grrr... <pounces Edge with claws>
Edge : ergg...<slice> ARGH!! You've posioned me! Got..to...find..Rosa...
<tries to stagger away, but Sabin trips him and he falls down a flight
of stairs> I'm ok...really.
P.A. : Oooooh...Edge is in some trouble now...he'd better find some Antdot and
FAST! Let's shift the camera's to another fight...
Kain : I will eradicate you, lowly thief!
Locke : ARGGH DONT CALL ME THAT!!! <throws daggers, but Kain jumps high in the
air> Ahhh dammit, better find cover...
<Kain falls through the air with spear drawn, but hits floor as Locke hides
in one of those doorways that go nowhere>
Locke : heheheheheh <thud> HAHAHAHAHAHA you unaccurate loser! <Kain then
spears (as in hockey) Locke> OWOWOWOWOW my nads!!! <rolls around>
Kain : Now I will not miss <jumps up and starts his descent, Locke still
clutching himself in pain>
Locke : Uh oh (cough cough) I'd (cough) better do something... <In a last
ditch effort, Locke sticks out his foot and gets Kain square in the
nads, while Kain's foot does the same to Locke>
Kain & Locke : OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOW cough cough
P.A. : ewww...well, we'll come back to that later...I've recieved word that
camera 11 spots the two captains going at it!!
Terra : <swords clanking> My Atmaweapon can kick your Crystal Sword's ass
any day of the week!
Cecil : I think not, my dear <executes a parry, then a backslash, catching
Terra on her shoulder pad>
Terra : OW! <crowd sounds concerned> oooh you piss me off! <mumbling>
Cecil : What are you doing, praying?
Terra : You slow moron, take this...ICE 2!
Cecil : eek <Cecil freezes, and Terra kicks the ice block down a few flights
of stairs>
Terra : Ha! So there!
Unknown Voice : WHITE!
Terra : Huh? <turns around, and is blasted off the platform> Aaaah!
Rosa : Teach you to mess with my man! <unfreezes Cecil> There hon, now you can
move.
Cecil : Thanx..oh by the by, what's for dinner?
Rosa : You expect me to cook after this? We'll get pizza or something!
Cecil : oh..all right <kisses Rosa> See ya!
P.A. : Looking at the top floor, we could have our first Wounding!
Celes : Are you kidding me, little girl? <slashes with sword, while Rydia
jumps out of the way>
Rydia : Little girl?!? I'll show you! <casts Virus>
Celes : Ugh <turns green>..Heal! <feels better> Give it up, you're toast!
Rosa : <appearing from nowhere> EXIT! <Rosa and Rydia teleport to the bottom
of the tower>
Celes : Aw man! Cheating witch!
P.A. : Let's check in on that neverending battle between Edge and Sabin...
Edge : ..and this, and this..and this <throwing everything he owns at Sabin>
Sabin : oooof <down to 100 hp> uh oh...time for a...SUPLEX! <grabs Edge and
slams him down, before he can do anything about it>
Edge : Nooooo...<SWOON>
Sabin : Woohoo! yes! In your face, FF2!!! <does a sack-dance>
P.A. : Uh oh, and FF3 draws first blood, eliminating Edge <crowd goes wild>
Now entering the battle for FF2... Yang, Karate Master!
Kain : Now you die, puny thief!
Locke : Ack! No way! My nads still hurt, c'mon man...
Kain : HA! <spears Locke like a fish>
Locke : Doh! <WOUNDED>
Kain : Hahaha...and now for the others...
P.A. : Oh no! Your own Locke has been wounded, which evens things up again
<booing>, but never fear, now entering the fray...Shadow!
Shadow : Ok Kefka, let's not forget my contract's fine print blah blah blah
Kefka : Ugh..FINE just fight you merc wanna-be
Sabin : <staggering about> Oh no, I'm out of this soon..better do some damage
before-hand...
VOICE : Titan!
Sabin : AAAAAAaaaaah! <WOUNDED>
Rydia : hehehehehe <G>
P.A. : Oh dear..Sabin has been eliminated <loud booing>. Now in for FF3..
Setzer! <cheering>
Kain : Hmm where to find someone to waste?
Shadow : Want a piece of this, loser??
Kain : Anytime, Darkman!
<Both jump high in the air, and begin fighting>
Terra : I say we stick together, our magic can conquer anything!
Celes : You got it girfriend, let's kick some ass!
<Both run into Rydia and Rosa>
P.A. : WOW! This will be a great sorceress duel for sure! But before that...
Yang : I was hoping to face Sabin, but killing you will be pleasure enough!
Setzer : Give it a rest, pony tail man! <throws razor-sharp cards>
Yang : Ha! <jumps out of the way> You think that can stop me?
Setzer : Not really..hows this <Slots come up Airship-Airship-Airship>
Yang : A slot machine?
Setzer : Yep! <Airship zooms by and bombards Yang>
Yang : ARGH <SWOONED>
P.A. : Setzer has taken Yang out! <thunderous cheers> Now in for the FF2
squad....Edward the Bard! <laughing>
Edward : Oh I'm funny huh? Well then... <Does a Jack McDowell to the crowd>
P.A. : Well, that was uncalled for <EG>
Kain : <out of breath> Damn this jumping around, I'll just gut you like I did
to that thief, Locke!
Locke : <from locker room> I heard that!
Shadow : I work alone...the pleasure of wasting you will be mine alone...
Kain : Yeah whatever <kicks Shadow in the side of the head, and Shadow falls
down>
Shadow : ...not defeated yet!
Kain : YAAA! <jumps at Shadow, and Shadow rolls backwards, flipping Kain over>
Shadow : <getting to feet> Now I've got you!
Kain : Not likely <goes airborne>
Shadow : Ha! The skies will never shield you from my wrath! <throws 20 ninja
stars directly at Kain>
Kain : NOOOO! <3 or 4 pick him off and he falls earthward> ::SPLAT:: <SWOONED>
Shadow : <Standing on edge of platform> Ha! How the mighty have fallen!
Edward : <from behind> NOOO! Why you! <knocks Shadow off the platform>
Shadow : AAAHHH! <WOUNDED>
P.A. : Unbelievable! Shortly after Shadow defeats Kain, Edward rushes Shadow
from behind and defeats him <loud booing and chanting of 'bulls**t'>
The final subs are coming in for each team..for FF3 it's Cyan...and
for FF2..why, I don't believe it. From the Moon Palace, out of
retirement..FuSoYa!!!! <crowd in stunned disbelief>
Terra : <exausted> ugh..I've had enough of this..ready Celes?
Celes : Anytime!
Rydia : What? Rosa, what are they doing? <Terra and Celes double blast Rydia>
ACK! <SWOONED>
<Airhorn sounds>
P.A. : That means its sudden death time..all remaining players will meet on a
level playing field for the final battle!
<players line up>
P.A. : Remaining for FF2...Cecil, Edward, Rosa, and FuSoYa <silence from crowd>
P.A. : And for FF3...Terra, Celes, Setzer, Edgar, and Cyan! <cheering>
<the battle begins!>
Edgar : You pitiful excuse for royalty! I'll destroy you!
Edward : Ha! <sings Charm song> Now you're under my control!
Edgar : Nope, I already have enough charm <G> Autocrossbow!
Edward : <tries to Hide, doesn't work> AGGGH! <SWOONED>
<crowd on its feet!>
Setzer : Let's wager how long you'll last, old man!
FuSoYa : Puny blueling! <Casts Nuke>
Setzer : Well...this sucks! AAAAAH <WOUNDED>
Cyan : You fight well, Paladin, but victory shall be mine!
Cecil : Your battle prowess is too weak, old one! <slashes Cyan>
Cyan : Hmm...that deserves a..RETORT!
Cecil : OOF <falls down>
Cyan : And that does it for thee, paladin! <turns away>
Cecil : Not likely! <bites Cyan on the arm!>
Cyan : Ouch-eth! What happened to thy chivalry?
Cecil : Sorry, I had a Black Knight flashback...I miss fighting dirty...oh
well, where was I? Ohhh yeah <slashes Cyan>
Cyan : Good! You were boring me to death whining about your past anyway
<WOUNDED>
Edgar : Too bad, I'm not as chivalrous! <Chainsaw's Cecil's sword-arm off>
Cecil : Uhm...well, at least I'm resourceful! <bleeds all over Edgar's eyes,
blinding him>
Edgar : Hey! OWOWOWOWOWOOWOW! Now I have to put on more medication and face
treatment crap to look my beautifulest! <swings wildly, connects with
Cecil>
Cecil : Oh man...beaten by a pretty-boy <SWOONED>
Rosa : Hey Figaro-boy! Look behind you!
Edgar : Huh? What? <looks behind him, but Rosa was in front of him> DOH!
<WOUNDED>
P.A. : Unbelieveable! It's down to a wizard's duel!
Terra : They're whispering! What do we do???
Celes : Don't worry, I got an idea :D <Casts Cure3 on Terra>
Rosa : Sorry! I need those HP more <casts Wall on Terra, giving Rosa the HP>
FuSoYa : Rosa NOOOOO! <casts Nuke on Terra exactly when the Wall activates>
Rosa : Ahhh..that feels good..now to <sees spell careening towards her> D'OH!
<SWOON>
FuSoYa : Good trickery, but both of your magics cannot stop me! <casting a
spell slowly...>
Terra : He's right you know <whispers something to Celes>
Celes : <Giggle> Good idea, ok on 3...1..2..3!!! <Celes & Terra rush at him>
FuSoYa : Hey! I thought we were having a spell fight!!! OWOWOW <Terra & Celes
begin administering a good old-fashioned beatdown>
Terra : And you thought we had scruples about beating an old man! HA!
Celes : Take this! <Both kick him in the ribs, and stomp on his neck>
FuSoYa : Dammit! You've broken my concentration! <casts a wild Meteo that
affects everyone>
=+=+ KABOOM +=+=
<Silent crowd, no one on the battle field moves...>
Celes : ... <WOUNDED>
Terra : Ugh..that sucked big time...<gets up slowly>
FuSoYa : Oh no...victory is within my gr...<SWOON, as Terra kicks him in the
nads>
Terra : Looks like there was a disadvantage after all, wizard <grins evilly>
<crowd goes wild, loud music and lasers continue>
Crono : Ladies and gentlemen..your winners...and NEW Final Fantasy Champs...
Final Fantasy 3!!!!!!!
Pan Datrick : All I can say is...wow! I've never seen such a brutal contest
before. Thief?
Thief Olderman : Unbelievable! We'll never see anything like this again..
until Final Fantasy 4 makes its debut <EG>
Pan Datrick : Until then, for Crisp and Thief, I'm Pan Datrick, so long from
Sportscentral! <theme music>
Follow... The Bunny...
For The Bunny ... Knows The Truth...
The Bunny Hurts When In Pain,
The Bunny Cries When In Hurt,
The Bunny Feels,
Like No Other
The following is a post from The Man you once knew as Murgorath, I just put it here
'cause I thought it would be interesting
Rule #1:
Never, Ever, Ever Talk To Yourself. Here is why.
It ruins you.
No it doesn't, it strengthens your resolve and turns you into a new
man!
Rule #2:
Never, Ever, Ever Contradict Yourself. Here is why.
Contradicting yourself is bad!
It's not bad, it's just..
It's bad! YOU are bad!
If I'm bad, you're bad because you are me.
You're bad if I'm bad so there!
I'm bad.
I'm good.
We can't be both!
Uh, Rule #3:
Never, Ever, Ever Hold Inner Conversations With Yourself. Here is why.
It muddles your posting!
THAT I agree with. Very good.
SO why are ya doing it?
Why are YOU?
Because you are?
Because I am? I am you!
You are me!
Yes...
Good understandings...
Great!
Rot in hell!
What?
Hey!
Shut Up!
You Shut Up!
Oh go to hell...
Ergh, Rule #4:
Rot In Hell!!!
Shut up self, Rule #4....
GO Fuck yourself!
Profanity, Self. Shut Up!
Rule #4:
Hey! I do that!
Forget it....
RULE NUMBER FUCKING FOUR:
NEVER EVER EVER READ MY CONTRADICTARY POSTS?
Who's idea was it to post this, anyway?
Yours.
Mine!? Yours!
Yours is mine and mine is yours...
I'm gonna press send!
No you aren't! So there!
ERgh, must fight myself... Press send... There!
NooooooooO!!!!!!!
Bob has spoken.
--CHAPTER THREE: UNDENIABLE TRUTH--
The Nagas of fnord Upper Burma say fnord that this is a rip-off of Discordianism. Or not.
--CHAPTER 3.14159: THE CALENDAR--
The Zim calendar is like our own, 360 days and 5 useless days in the manner of the Aztecs. Those 'useless days' are a fnord sort of fnord public holiday. They are said to be unlucky so watch out!!!!
--CHAPTER 3.5: THE MISSPELLING--
It's aal msipeeled hree. I will msipeel hte Lros'd Parery!
Oru fahtre ni ehavne, allohwde eb ryou anme, yrou knidgom cmoe, yrou wlil eb dnoe, no erath sa ni... oh I give up with all the msipeelings.
--CHAPTER 4: SOFA NO. 2--
The universe being viewed as a sofa, those men had a simple poem to offer us:
I am the heaven
I am the water
Ich bin der Dreck unter deinen Walzen
I am the heaven
I am the water
Ich bin der Dreck unter deinen Walzen
(Oh no, whip it on me, honey!)
Ich bin dein geheimer Schmutz
Und verlorenes Metallgeld
(Metallgeld)
Ich bin deine Ritze
Ich bin deine Ritze und Schlitze
I am the clouds
I am embroidered
Ich bin der Autor aller Felgen
Und Damast Paspeln
Ich bin der Chrome Dinette
Ich bin der Chrome Dinette
Ich bin Eier aller Arten
Ich bin alle Tage und Nachte
Ich bin alle Tage und Nachte
Ich bin hier (AIEE-AH!)
Und du bist mein Sofa
Ich bin hier (AIEE-AH!)
Und du bist mein Sofa
Ich bin hier (AIEE-AH!)
Und du bist mein Sofa
Ya-haow, ya-haow
Yamaphoba aow aow aow
--CHAPTER 5: A LIST OF TITLES--
Titles of Reverend Light and Reft Zim_ulator, Green Water Leisure 32nd, VTS RDF Sophia d'e a?sleyo whale, Dato' Mink.