Pure Vanilla Cookie

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Pure Vanilla Cookie

The Healing Saint of Velocity
Vital Statistics
Nickname	Big Balls, The Madagascar Menace
Species	Cookie / Eldritch Pastry
Age	11,200 years (and still crusty)
Born	October 7, 9180 BCE
Nationality	Madagascar (I like to move it!)
Logistics
Occupation	Deadbeat Dad / Professional Flyer
Religion	Vanillaism (The Holy Stick)
Address	69 Big Nad Lane
Physics
Speed	1000 mp/h
Phallus Length	78 Solar System Laps

Pure Vanilla Cookie (also known by his "street names" Big Balls, The Vanilla Void, or Sour Urine) is a saint who was baked with honorable Pure Vanilla. He is a prominent inhabitant of the Biscuit Walk Domain. When people looked up at him, they saw a long stick, massive wings, and even bigger nads. The gods were amazed by his massive dough-balls. Every female from the Vanilla Kingdom screamed, "HE HAS BIG BALLS, LET'S GO HUMP HIM!" Another cookie said, "I hope he nuts! I want to see him cream his stick and nut nuttie balls out!" Pure Vanilla Cookie said, "OH FUCK NO!" He was made of Pure Vanilla from South India (idlis, dosas) and Madagascar (I like to move it, move it!) and 610 kL of Wizard's Phallictic Creme His great wings, which have a surface area of 250 m², bear the sacred inscription:

"Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

History

Ever since Pure Vanilla Cookie was born, he had big nads but didn't know why. He famously looked at his own reflection in a puddle of milk and screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK SHALL I DO?, MY BALLS ARE BIG!"

A cream squirrel named Deez famously offered to show the world just how much bigger and nuttier those balls could get, leading to a kingdom-wide ban on squirrels in the royal gardens.

Despite the constant harassment, he eventually grew up and decided to populate the kingdom his own way, fathering 100 children via IVF (In-Vitro Flour-tilization). This is why half the cookies in the kingdom have his eyes and the other half have his crippling anxiety. 75% of his offspring are currently classified as Unbaked Dough-slugs.

The Biscuit Walk Domain

The Biscuit Walk Domain is a high-temperature realm located deep within the crust of the Great Oven. It is the only place in the multiverse where the ambient temperature remains a constant 9150°F, which is just enough to keep the inhabitants crispy but not burnt.

Geography

• The Milky River: A literal river of 2% milk that flows through the center of the domain. If a cookie falls in, they become soggy and are exiled to the "Soggy Bottom" slums.
• The Yeast Peaks: Mountains that rise and fall depending on how much the sun (a giant heat lamp) is shining.
• The Great Stick Monument: A massive statue dedicated to Pure Vanilla Cookie’s legendary walking stick.

Recipe

• Ingredients:
  • 1 gallon of Wizard's Phallus Creme (extracted under a blood moon).
  • 50 lbs of 100% Pure Vanilla (I like to move it, move it!).
  • 2 cups of Chocolate (The label says "Not Feces").
  • 4 metric tons of High-Potency Yeast.
  • A drip of Vanilla Extract (and urine).
  • 96% ABV Isopropyl Alcohol.
  • 4% Kingfisher Lager Beer
  • 810 Good Day Biscuits
  • 9999 Marie Biscuits
  • Bournvita
  • Whiskey
  • Omphalolith

Trivia

• Pure Vanilla can flap his wings. But he can't flap his balls.
• He can mate at an alarming speed of 1 second. Sheesh!
• He checks his stick every now and then to see growth but no growth. FUCK!
• He can fly at 1000 mp/h.
• The length of his Phallus is so long it can reach from the US and do 78 laps around the solar system. WOOH!
• Pure Vanilla Cookie's existence is so controversial that interdimensional gatekeepers (the Reddit Mods) have attempted to ban the truth from being spoken.
• The volume of Pure Vanilla Cookie's balls are 125 km³

Reception

Critic	Rating	Review
Jamie Oliver	100/10	"Wow! That shit is tasty. I tried it with my husband, Gordon Ramsay."
The FSSAI	100%	"Excellent. Tastes like Marie and Good Day biscuits."
White Lily Cookie	1000%	"I want to hump that Motherfucker! Bring him here."