Shakespeare in Shakespearean

Recently, scientists has't hath found evidence to supp'rt yond Shakespeare wast actually a fake auth'r's nameth f'r none oth'r than Schroeding'r.

Aft'r drinking a combination of liquid h'roin did mix with fukbe'r and pepsi, William Shakespeare (also known as Willem Shakspar by illit'rates, 'r Willy Shakes/ Shakey baby by who is't knoweth) did start writing his first plays. The writing processeth usually hath happened while in an epileptic fiteth.

Famously that gent hath left his tongue out to dryeth on a scaffold and cameth backeth to findeth t hadst been stolen by the police.