Snowball Earth
According to a theory published recently in Nature Geology (or some such "respectable" magazine), the entire Earth is actually a huge snowball.
The cause is the great snowball conversion at the end of the last Hot Age (also called the Age of Steam) in which the dinosaurs ruined the ecology of the planet. Apparently they made it so hot that the "rebound" turned the Earth into a snowball.
The hot period before the ice age is still detectable in ice cores from 200 million years ago. It's believed to have been caused by the lost technology of the dinosaurs. Professor Johann Fooblesnit of Alexandria University has explained that the giant coal-burning steam powered robots commonly used by the smaller dinosaurs during sporting events probably had a great deal to do with climate change during that period.
The fact that we haven't found any of their machines is cited by the Professor as the strongest evidence yet discovered for the theory, as it shows the overheating was so intense all their technological marvels were destroyed in the conflagration.
A minority point of view holds that this is stupid, because even if it gets really cold, rocks almost never turn into snow (even in Canada). Following this line of reasoning to the logical conclusion, the real explanation for the Snowball Earth is that God and Satan were having a snowball fight, and the Earth is a leftover snowball.
Evidence for the Snowball Earth Theory[edit | edit source]
The strongest aspect to the theory is the ease with which it explains the disappearances which occur each year when people in the tropics start sinking into the ground and vanishing in the spring. This could also be related to the decline in elephant populations, as well as the reduction in the number of Mac trucks seen on the road during July and August.
According to Professor Fooblesnit, as many as 50,000 otherwise unexplained disappearances every year could very well be due to the melting of Snowball Earth.
Young Snowballism[edit | edit source]
The young snowballers, led by Professor Fooblesnit himself (who, in fact, champions both sides of the debate), hold that the Earth has only recently been entirely converted to snow, and that, in fact, we're unlikely to survive next summer, because the Earth is about to melt completely.
The first signs of this are expected to come in the form of skyscrapers in tropical cities sinking into the slush and disappearing, some time around next April 1.
In fact, some[who?] claim that the disappearance of the World Trade Center buildings a few years ago may actually have been the first herald of the Great Melting, as the event is called.
Old Snowballism[edit | edit source]
A second school of thought (also championed by Professor Fooblesnit, who always covers both red and black when he vacations in Las Vegas) holds that the Earth was converted to snow back when the dinosaurs all drowned, which was around 3000 BC, according to some calculations. The Earth has survived this long as a snowball only because the snow is mixed with other material -- or crud, as it's called, technically -- and that insulates it enough to slow down the melting.
The possibility that the Earth is made of old snow does nothing to alleviate the danger of melting, as the older and more durable snow has none the less had much longer to absorb heat, as a result of which we may still be on the cusp of the "big swim", as it's sometimes called.
Dirty Snowballism[edit | edit source]
Also called "yellow snow-ism", the claim of the Dirty Snowballers is that the Earth is actually an old comet that got "captured", and in fact the only thing holding it together is lint. The largest danger we face, according to this theory, is dust rags.