So Pun it's Criminal

Introduct tape (This section was written by an adhesive manufacturer)

Ike was cunning. Cunning and punning. He had quips, jokes, and one-liners. They were all puns. No one hated Ike (well almost no one), and people began making posters saying, "We Like Ike" before being sued by the Eisenhower estate. Ike's puns were legendary and were his greatest talent. Any situation Ike found himself in, he could get out with a well-timed pun. This is his story entitled "So Pun it's Criminal" (as told by me).

Chapter One: The Part Where I Demonstrate a Story Where he Used a Pun to Get out of a Given Situation so you Don't Call Bullshit

Ike was in a high school that loved him. One day he was sitting with his friends (or homies if I have accidentally taken a time machine to an upper class neighborhood circa 2003) and was enjoying his day. Next to him sat an open jar of beans where no one was sitting. As Ike was using his hands to demonstrate a key element to the story he was telling, his elbow knocked the beans over. Ike laughed at what he did, citing the lack of a person eating the beans as an indicator that he would face no punishment. Just then, he glanced and saw the biggest, baddest, kid in the school (ironically named Clarence) walking towards the knocked-over beans and sitting down.

"WHO KNOCKED OVER MY BEANS!?" Clarence shouted, looking at Ike and his frightened friends. "HUH!?" he continued to shout, "ANYONE GONNA FESS UP?" Ike's friend Tom (who remains irrelevant throughout the remainder of the story so all Tom haters have no reason to fret) spastically blurted, "No one say anything!" Clarence was pissed. Just as he reached to clutch Tom's shirt by the neck, Ike calmly said, "Well, I guess I might as well spill the beans ... Wait! I already did!" Clarence retracted his arm and stared dumfoundedly at Ike. "Was- was-" he stuttered, "Was that-that a p-pun?" Ike smiled, "Why yes it was." Clarence backed up away from the table slowly with the same surprised expression. Later that day, he was checked into a mental ward mumbling, "The comedic timing... the wordplay..."' repeatedly.

Chapter Two: Granted, that was no exposition really, just an opportunity to use that "spill the beans" pun

"So did you hear about Shakespeare's production on the dictionary? Yeah, it was a play on words!" Ike was surrounded by a group of listeners eager to hear clever puns. The Shakespeare pun was met my minor applause and many a chuckle. Ike began another, "You know, I love eating clocks, but it's so time consuming!" This pun was well received and warranted a chortle by boys and girls alike. One girl turned to her best friend and says, "Lacie, if his puns were a boy, I'd totally-" (the quote was cut off due to it's extreme graphic sexual nature). The crowd gathered around Ike at that point had filled up nearly the entire hallway and forced half of the school to miss part of second period. As Ike cleared his throat for another pun, Mister Patrick stepped out of his classroom and said to Ike, "Ike, c'mon, these people need to class." Ike quickly responded back with, "Mister Patrick, do you see what they're wearing? They don't have any class!"

Mister Patrick, being notorious as a fan of puns simply gave Ike a high five and stepped back into his class to play some computer games. Ike once again cleared his throat when another teacher, this time Mr. Bartholomew, stepped out into the hall to tell Ike to stop. Mr. B (because no one could care to pronounce the artholomew) was one of the few people not to be under Ike's pun spell. "Mr. Cleverer," (Ike's legal last name) "Get to class and same with everyone else! Go! Go! Go!" The students angrily spread out and went to their classes willingly. Grumblings of, "What a dick!", and "I heard he gets wasted on the weekends" were heard from the gaggle of students. Mr. B went to have a word with Ike, "Ike, you can't keep doing this," he said with much contempt. Ike responded with, "C'mon, Mr. B, I make clever puns, you know that!" Mr. B lost his temper, "IKE! Do you know how little of a shit I give?" Ike shrugged, "I dunno. Are you constipated or something?" "WHAT?!" yelled Mr. B. Ike began to walk away and said, "You asked me how little of a shit you gave. If you gave a very little amount of shit, then you must be constipated."

Chapter Three: Lights, Camera, Rising Action [Figures]

When Ike entered his third period class; the students all were in shock. Mr. Patrick looked at Ike and said, "Ike, I was just explaining to your classmates how we lost one of our own today." Ike was very apathetic normally, but something about the way he felt that day made him feel concern. "The student," Mr. Patrick went on, "Was named Clarence Carson. He died at ten o'clock at the Webb Mental Hospital of an apparent brain aneurism." Ike then didn't care, remembering that Clarence was that big kid who was failing freshman level math as a senior. Then, Ike realized, that his pun may have killed him. Ike's body froze in place, "Mr. Patrick, what caused his brain aneurism?" Mr. Patrick answered, "Well, the doctors think it was some kind of brain overload. Maybe from a math problem, Inception, a beautiful piece of clever wordplay, a Radiohead album, a long book, or a game of sudoku." For once, Ike was scared, "Did- did you say-say a p-p-p-pun?" "Yes I did-" Mr. Patrick realized what that meant, "Mr. Cleverer, did you kill Clarence?" Ike began to run to the door, but it was blocked by Mr. Patrick's sword.

Ike looked into his teacher's eyes. He heard Mr. Patrick whisper, "It's not your fault if you did, but did you?" Ike nodded. "Okay," Mr. Patrick continued, "I'll let you go. You probably should lay low for awhile." Ike nodded again and ran out of the door. Passing teachers and students repeatedly asked him where he was headed. He was in no mood to answer as he continued towards the exit of the school. The thoughts of murdering someone swirled through his head, "I can't be charged, can I? What am I, a battery?" Ike chuckled in his head at his pun to himself, "That's a good one, I'm gonna have to write that down," he thought. He reached the exit of the school and began to run home. He didn't want to wait until his mother came home so he packed all of his stuff up in a suitcase and wrote a note to his family that said, "Killed kid with pun. In hiding. P.S. The grass isn't greener on the homicide." Contented with his closing pun, Ike headed to a cheap motel he could stay in.

Chapter Four: The Corythosaurus had the most teeth of any dinosaur

After checking into a room at the Because the Holiday is Booked Motel, Ike flipped on the television to the news. The headline stated, "Governor's son dead at 18". Ike sighed and said, "At least I didn't kill him." On the news, reporter Carla Lafwarszky began, "Governor Joseph Peterson is mourning the loss of his son Clarence Carson. Clarence was from governor Peterson's first marriage and lived with his mother. Clarence died of an apparent brain aneurism early today." Ike was stunned but relieved they didn't know it was him. As he thought these thoughts, Carla Lafwarszky put her ear to her fingers to her earpiece and said, "This just in, sources at Marc Yiz High School tell us that Clarence's aneurism was caused by a remarkable pun by local punster Ike Cleverer. Sources also tell us that Ike fled school earlier today and is no where to be found. We'll keep you updated on this developing story." Ike turned off his television and swore profusely to himself.

There was a knock on the door. Ike looked through the peephole and saw his history teacher Mr. Patrick waiting looking back at him. He opened the door and asked, "What are you doing here?- How did you find me???" His teacher responded, "With my Jedi-like powers." "Really?" asked a flabbergasted Ike. "Naw," answered Mr. Patrick, "I followed you." "Ah... anyway, what are you doing here?" "I'm here to help," he answered, "See, I was in a similar situation to you when I was a teenager. I mean, really similar. I killed a kid with a riddle." Ike looked at Mr. Patrick and wondered. He then asked, "What was the riddle?" "I can't tell you that," Mr. Patrick said as he said down on the motel bed, "The kid you killed was retard, the one I killed was a straight-A student, the riddle will kill nearly anyone who hears it." Ike was a bit shocked but settled down, "Okay. So-... Uh... How do you want to help?" "Well," Mr. Patrick said, "I was never caught by anyone so all I know how to do is how to deal with the guilt." "Guilt? I don't have any guilt! Pfft. Let's check the news." Ike flipped on the TV again to see governor Peterson signing a bill. The news anchor stated, "That's it folks! Following his son's death, governor Peterson has just signed a bill to effectively ban punning from the state of Florida. This goes for all puns in the last week, including the one which killed his son Clarence. Next, we talk to a man who survived a snack attack-." Ike shut off the news.