From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This article has been deemed
because it's cool enough to curdle cheese.
See more EPICS


Story... What is a story? Hmmm... Oh I think a story goes like this...

Chapter 1: The Beginning (duh)[edit | edit source]

Derek slowly got out of his bed and turned around. "Dammit another hobo." He said as he picked up a sleeping hobo on his bed and threw him outside. He walked back into his house and made a cup of coffee. He sat in the seat at his kitchen table closest to the window and he looked outside. Man, he thought, how could this day get worse? Well Derek hate to say but theirs probably over a billion ways the day could get worse. You could get hit by a car, your mother could die, you could get fired...

When he was finished with his coffee he got in the shower to get ready for work. He got his fanciest suit on for the big meeting... Hmmm... when you say meeting it sounds like hes in a mob or in a cult. Well he was in a mob... Yeah ironic. The leader of the mob, Louie, cliche, was going to go over a huge drug deal going down. Another weird saying... going down. Wouldn't that mean that the drug deal was failing... cause if something goes down isn't that bad? Anyhoo... Damn I just said anyhoo. Why aren't I erasing it... Nevermind.

Yeah, the drug deal. Well there's a scheduled drug deal to go on next week with some terrorists. Seems like a bad idea to sell drugs to people who want to kill you but you know Louie is the type of guy who wants moolah in any way he can get it. The meeting was two brief how it will go on.

Derek got to work and him, Louie, and his fellow co-workershipsman sat down on an overly fancy ovulated table. "Alright men... You know what tomorrow is." Louie said. "What's tomorrow I was absent yesterday!" A man shouted across the looooong ovulated table. "Christ... The drug deal you moron!" "Oh yea I remember that thing." "Ok," Louie started to speak. "I'm hungry!" Another man shouted. "I have to pee!" said another. Louie put his head down. Everyone left besides Derek, Louie, and a guy who was sleeping. "You want to be the co-leader for the drug deal? You seem like the only interested one." Louie asked Derek. Derek was shocked. All this time he went unnoticed to Louie, and his fellow co-workershipsman but now he gets the chance to co-lead the stupidest drug deal ever to go on. Everyone came back in. Some hanging up cell phones others putting on their belts and one guy waking up. "Sure, I'll do it." Derek replied.

Derek got home after the briefing. "What the hell, where are these hobos coming from I live in a suburban neighborhood!" Derek shouted throwing another sleeping hobo this time out his window. He woke up and scurried along. Derek grabbed some water. Mmmmmm... quenches the thirst. Hmmm a useless part to make it longer? I think not. Derek was a little nervous about the deal but he made sure to pay close attention, be attentive if you will, to the briefing. Here's the plan. Give the drugs take the money. A bit on the complicated side but whatevs. Wow whatevs? First anyhoo. I can't do this... ok I'll keep going. I bet I didn't fool you. Eh...

Chapter 2: Teh Droog Deeel[edit | edit source]

They were at the corner of two streets wide out in the open... It was a fairly busy road as well. The terrorists arrived but its not exactly what they were picturing...

Now here's the climax of the story. Oh, so soon? Shut up. It took me awhile to make chapter 1... Let's continue...

"Fuck zombies run!" Louie shouted. That was actually one of the backup plans. Well now we know zombies were behind 9-11... Maybe... I mean it's not a crazy theory. Everybody ran as the blood and gut gushing, rib dangling, heart exposing zombies ran at the unsuspecting mobsters. Derek tripped. He was surely a goner but then I'd have to think of a new main character so gimme a minute to think of a miraculous way he could somehow escape these shenanigans. ... ... ... ... Ok I got it. Derek got back on his feet and continued running with his boss and fellow co-workershipsman. They got in their black vans (Yes they were overly fancy and ovulated. Some of the mobsters shot at the zombies. One of the mobsters died that day. He was eaten whole by the zombies because he was sleeping. (sound familiar?) His nick-name was Narcolepsy Nick because his name was Nick.

They went back to their stronghold and began brainstorming ideas to get rid of the zombies. "We need these zombies gone A.S.A.P., their gettin' in the way of our business." Louie said. He was pissed. "But I have to pee!" "JUST BRAINSTORM!" "Too late..." "Maybe we can shoot them?" A man said. There were mumbles of approval in the background. "No, you saw earlier they weren't effected by the bullets." "Try to make friends?" "No." "Create a battle of the bands contest where winner stays and loser goes?" "No! Think logically!" "Get high off the drugs we didn't just sell?" "Ummm... Later." Derek thought... He had an idea that just might work. "We could somehow inject the zombies with our blood, somehow retuning them to their human state?" Derek purposed. "You know what, it sounds so crazy I'm tempted to try it... Battle of the BANDS!!!!" The whole room clapped in applause.

Lemme skip that part of the story to spare your time... 4 men died, 3 guitars broken. "Yeah let's try Derek's plan." Louie said.

Chapter 3: Infecting the Infected[edit | edit source]

"We lost some good men today you know..." Louie said. He was actually upset that usually never happens. They filled up syringes with their blood and put on some bullet proof vests. "Hey ummm... I dont think they have guns... We can lose the vests." Derek pointed out. They all agreed.

At twelve o' clock all 10 of them lined up in the middle of the street. "Maybe those terrorists were the only zombies." Mario said. He was the second in command. There was a loud moan in the distance followed by a dark cloud. "Wow that cloud is low..." Stevie said. Another mobster. "And it's getting bigger." Mario replied. "That's not a cloud." Derek said frozen in place. "They're... ZOMBIES! RUUUUUUUN!!!!" They all started running away for their life. "Wait!" Louie said as they were running away. "Were supposed to inject them!" "Oh yea!" Mario shouted. They all turned around and ran towards the thousands of zombies with their syringes pointing up. "There's 10 of us and thousands of them!" Derek shouted. "Right!" Louie said. "Were fucked turn back around!" So again they changed their direction and started running again. The Zombies were quicker and they were catching up fast. "Johnson is down!!" Louie shouted as the only black mobster (no racial) was eaten up by a group of zombies

And then there were nine.

They managed to escape and get back to their hideout. "Are we the only survivors on the planet?" Derek asked. "No," Ethan said... another member, "I just went on facebook, a few of my friends are there." "Well at least were not alone" Mario said. They were all tired from running. "I gotta pee." The guy who always had to pee said. "We gotta think of another way to test it out." Louie said. "We need to be 9 on 1 with a zombie, then it'll work." Stevie said. "But how?" There was a scream from the bathroom...

And then there were eight.

They all piled into the bathroom were all there was was blood and urine... Oh yeah a zombie. "Where are the syringes?" Louie asked. The zombie lunged at Derek. Derek, the only one with his syringe, injected the zombie with it in mid flight. The zombie fell, and then got back on its feet. It stumbled once again and fainted. "I think it worked..." Louie said.

Chapter 4: The Cure[edit | edit source]

For the next couple of weeks they studied the zombie. Whenever it would wake up they would clank it over the head with a sledge hammer and it would void its bowels and become unconscious again. Over the next few months the mobsters survived strictly in their secret hideout living off coke, beer, and steak-umms. They started to see some improvement with the zombie. The skin started to become fair and Caucasian. Fine he was a white bastard jesus christ get off my back.... My bad I hear voices. Just kidding.... "How are we going to mass produce our own blood?" Mario asked. "Call up everyone you know thats still a human," Derek said. "Were gonna need alot of people." "My phone is ringing..." Ethan said. "Hello? Mario I'm already here." "My bad." Mario said.

And then there were seven.

Sorry nobody died. I just like that thing I think it makes a good horror effect.

The next day Derek woke up early and started extracting blood. Now, I know there's a huge loop hole about how they're living off steak-umms and crap but he has some device to extract his blood but I'm not a perfect writer... He put as much blood as he could in a container. He went over to the room with the zombie in it. He looked at the bed the straps were "un-strapped" and the zombie was gone. Now I know it would be awesome if there was some random explosion but then it would most likely result in the death of the main character and I would not want to do that to him since hes a pretty good guy besides the fact that hes in the mob and I think one time he actually killed a guy but let's see how long I can keep this sentence going oh crap carpul tunnel damn ok fine I give up. Derek franticly searched through the "hideout". He woke Louie up when he tripped and banged his head against the wall. Louie jumped out of bed grabbed an AK-47 from his pajama pants and spray fired around the room. "Jesus Christ Louie I'm right here!" Derek said as he hid behind a conviently placed counter in the center of them room. "Sorry. What happened?" Louie asked. "The zombie is gone!" "Shit let's look." "Hey there's a sign in the corner of the next room." They both walked up to the sign. It said: "The zombie is on the ceiling." They looked up. Nothing. They continued reading: "If you're an idiot and didn't finish reading this I was just kidding. The zombie is the the vents good luck." "Wow, how nice of the zombie to leave us a note." Louie said.

The air vents were very small so Derek had to shimmy through. Louie had an ice cream fetish so he stayed outside. (Yes I just sugar coated that fat joke.) The zombie was laying at the end of the vent. But it didn't look like a zombie anymore. "Sir, can you please move I'm looking for a zombie." Derek said. "You were the one?" The "zombie" replied. He looked like a normal dude. "Ummmm... I was the one what?" Derek was very puzzled but then he read the sentences before and then he realized. "The cure worked!" Derek exclaimed. "Indeed it did." Then man outreached his hand but his arm was crunched so it could fully extend. "Greg." "Derek. Why are you trying to escape?" Derek asked. "Well I gotta take a shit and I couldn't find a bathroom in there." "Oh... So the air vents were the best way to get out?" "Eh... there cozy."

They both got out of the vent and brushed themselves off. "So what do we do about the other zombies?" Mario asked from behind. "Oh shit!" Louie said as he spray fired with his AK across the room. "Louie Jesus Christ it'sa mee Mario! Woah did my voice just turn into a horrible attempt at an italian accent?" "Oh sorry Mario, you scared me." "Thats the problem..." Derek said. BOOM!

And then there were none.

The End[edit | edit source]

Now let me explain what just happened. There was a huge explosion. Why? Cause I was getting bored of that story and wanted to try a different subject, or approach if you will. Lemme think... That was a good story but I think a story should go like this....

Chapter 1: The Job[edit | edit source]

Hmmm... Interesting enough chapter name right? Hopefully it will keep you reading. Oh shut up its not that long. I don't care if your tired keep reading. Sorry the voices. Just kidding... Again... Hmmmm... Maybe I should consult this with a doctor. Enough. The second attempt at a story.

Keith was riding home on his bike after his paper route. At sixteen being a paperboy was sort of an embarrassing job but his family was poor and they needed to feed him and his brother, Kieth. Ok, I got lazy. Lemme think of a name... Keif.... Kief... Paul... Kife... You know what he doesn't have a brother he has a crazy uncle named Greg that laughs to himself. Ok so we have Keith, Mom, Dad, and the creepy uncle Greg. So back to the story.

Keith walked in the front door of his space ship (just kidding) house. It was fairly small there were two bedrooms, one in the back of the house and one floating somewhere in the Neptune/Uranus area of the solar system (not kidding) they have to fly by space ship to get there. Anyhoo... fdghjfrfrshaEQIQEWI.... Sorry I just hit my computer for saying that again. Wow, notice that the stories are short and most of it is just me talking... Odd.

"Hey Keith." His Father said as he stepped through the door. "You got your pay?" His mom asked. Those space shuttle flights weren't cheap. "A hundred forty." Keith replied. He handed the cash to his mother. "Did that old chipmunk swazzle your... oh Keif good to be heerm..." Said Uncle Greg laughing sitting on the couch watching Friends, even though he kept pushing rewind on the DVR and thought he was watching the same episodes over and over. "Dinners almost ready." His mum MOM said. "Yay smergushberg!"Greg exclaimed. He was 77 years old and he had a couple thin grey hairs on the top of his head that stood up. "No Uncle Greg, chicken tenders." Keith's mom said. "Errr..." Greg growled as he sat down at the table and laughed at nothing.

They ate up and sat down for movie night. "What movie should we watch?" Dad said. (By Dad I am not referring to my own father I am in fact referring to Keith's father to the fact that I am in fact to lazy to in fact type Keith's father all the time which is in fact likewise to his mother.) "The Lakehouse!" Keith exclaimed. "Son," Dad said. "No." "The Godfather!" Mom said. "Yaay ice cream heheheee!" Uncle Greg threw his hands up in the air. They all sat and watched all the Godfather movies on after another. It was hard to hear though because once the first movie came on Uncle Greg fell asleep and snored very loudly. Some say it's like a train's choo-choo. "Choo-choo! YAY!" Uncle Greg exclaimed in the middle of the 3rd movie. Damn, how can he here my narration? Hmmm... What a kooky old man.

After the movies they were sleepy so Uncle Greg passed out on the couch, Keith went in his room and his parents hopped on the spaceship. Keith had an alright sleep. He had a dream where he was walking down a hallway and it never ended and the whole night he was just walking down that hallway and the entire next day and the rest of his life he was just dreaming of him walking down the hallway and then when he died he went to heaven and then he literally was walking down the hallway and for the rest of forever he was walking down the hallway and eventually he met Uncle Greg in the hallway and then something happened and yeah. Wow long sentence.

Well Keith woke up and he went on his paper route. He passed a corporate building and imagined himself working in a six figure business. Although he couldn't imagine it long because, as you know, he was still walking down the hallway. He had the skills. Mostly lightsaber skills but thats besides the point. He was interested in stocks and the building he was looking at was a stock building. He stopped in front of it. A man in a expensive suit came by. Followed by a non-proportionable strange looking man with a huge nose and an "I R adMiNs." on his shirt. Followed by another rich looking man with a cup of coffee. He walked toward Keith. "Hey kid," he said. "You got today's, I forgot to get the paper?" "Yes sir." Keith replied. He handed the man a copy of the newspaper. "Hey we're lookin for a coffee boy, you want the job?" The man asked. "Ummm... How much do you pay?" Keith asked. It seemed easy but you never know with a bunch of rich guys. "Sixty an hour. With dental." "Dental?" "No just kiddin'. Go inside talk to Derek."

Keith went inside and saw a man with a nametag that read "Derek". "Hey," Keith said. "I'm here for the coffee boy stuff." "Sure." Derek said. "Follow me." Derek led him over to a fancy elevator made of glass. "So how much did it cost to get this nice glass elevator?" Keith asked Derek as they were going up the elevator. "Nothing at all," He replied. "We just stole it from Willy Wonka." The door opened and Keith was greeted by a huge room with tons of cubicles and people frantically running around with papers and staplers and staples in their eyes. Nevermind that last one... "So here." Derek said. He led him to a coffee maker. "If you can make the coffee right you get the job, alright?" "Okay." Keith replied. Easy enough, he thought. So he took the coffee beans from a cabinet and put the in the grinder. The grinder ground them up and made it into coffee. "Now you pour the coffee into a cup and give it to the person that asked you to give them some." Derek said. Keith poured the coffee into a cup. "Give it to Steely Dan over there." "Steely Dan!?" "Oh my bad we just call him that because his name is Dan and hes 35% steel." "Umm..." Keith replied. He ran over to the guy who kinda looked like he had steel in him and gave it to him. "Wrong!" Derek yelled. "That's Steely Hank. 46% steel." "What the hell?" Keith said. He was a little scared. He gave it to a steel man. "Wrong! That's iron not steel." Derek said. "Is there a Steely Dan in here today?" Keith shouted. He thought that'd be his best bet. "Here!" A man shouted. Keith gave him the coffee. "Alright kid you did well." Derek said. "You got the job!" "But I didn't pass..." Keith pointed out. "Oh yeah... well then no job." Derek replied. "No please!" Keith begged. "Alright fine." Keith underwent a deep and loud gasp. "No foolin'?" Keith asked. Derek stared at him with an odd face. Keith decided to just walk away. He was gonna be rich!

Chapter 2: He wasn't rich nor in a better financial spot[edit | edit source]

Keith made more money a day but the reason why he wasn't in a better financial spot was because he spent the money he got at work on peeps and pop tarts. Ya see I can't blame him. None of us can. Peeps and Pop Tarts and very delicious and un-nutritious food items. He worked six hours a day five days a week so thats about hmmm... Alot of money a week. On Saturday he would go and buy the "Peep Tarts" and on sunday he'd devour them. Soon he grew fat and tired and chubby and flubby. "Meh heh heh! Blaaguyjuika! Pickle jars!" Quiet down Greg. Anyway, he grew very unhealthy and his parents urged him to work out and become healthy again but he kept eating. He got fired from his job because the elevator capacity was 1000 lbs. And most of all he lost all of his money.

"Mom, can I have the fuhge brewrnie in the fwwwwwww (skin flab) ridge?" "No Keith." His mom replied. "And what is wrong with your voice you sound like a wrench in a money zoo book." "Shut up! I like to e-...e... eaaaaa! Heart attack!"

Keith woke up in a daze. He was sitting in a hospital bed. He frantically searched around for his parents. "Mom!" Keith yelled. "Hey I can speak!" He looked at his stomach. "I'm skinny again!" He yelled in utter joy! A doctor and his parents came in. "Hello Keith." The doctor said. "You just suffered a minor heart attack thankfully. We had to do immediate liposuction because your fat rolls were covering the entrance to your heart." "Am I going to be okay?" Keith asked. "Yes. As long as you eat right and stay healthy. Keep gym in school. (obscure referance!) So no more peep tart raids. Your were 5000 pounds. The fattest person ever let alone the fattest kid!" "Cool now everyone knows my name, Keith," His father coughed. "Well not quite..." He picked up a laptop and showed him a video of him dancing to the "Peanut Butter Jelly" song. IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! WAHYAH WAHYAH! Sorry... "What the... where the hell did they get that footage..." Keith said. Fire burned in his eyes. "I will chase you down and kill you!!" He shouted while clichely holding his fists in the air. He threw the blanket off himself and grabbed a shotgun from underneath the bed. "What the hell?" The doctor said. "Where are you going?" His mom asked as Keith started walking out the doorway. He turned and looked at them. He simply said, "I'm about to blow up some shit." And walked out.

Keith trudged down the street shotgun and poptart in hand. He shot everyone he saw and shouted. "Who got that footage?!?!!?" Little did he know there's as much versions of that video as how much he used to weigh. His parents turned on the TV. "Breaking News out of-" His dad coughed. "A kid is rampaging the streets, with a shotgun. Authorities are not pursuing him because they are quote, watching a funny video of a fat kid dancing, end quotes. Oh fuck hes in the studio. Shit. I love you family. By-AAAHHHH..." Static. "Hmmm that sounds like what Keith is doing." Keith's dad said. "Eh whatevs. There's some Blue Moon in the fridge anyone want?" The doctor asked. "Woot!" Keith's parents said.

Chapter 3: Ending to a short beginning... and a short ending[edit | edit source]

Somehow Keith magically was strapped with grenades and had ripped cargo shorts on, shirtless. Scars filled his body when he was never even touched. Well I guess it makes a good effect, especially in a final battle fight scene to the death. Keith wiped out nearly the entire world in four hours. He mainly blew things up, cause that kills a lot of people. He grenades kept replenishing somehow... weird. There was one man left. No significance about him...or maybe. "It was you..." Keith said he stared him face to face. "Who gave you the footage?!" Keith strangled him in the air. "Ok... I admit..." The man said. "I made the video... But I didn't take the footage." "I asked you, who did you get the footage from!" Keith pleaded for an answer. "From him..." The man pointed across the way. There uncle Greg stood. He ran away shouting, "I'm Old Greg!" "FUCK!" Keith yelled.


To wrap it all up[edit | edit source]

You see, stories can be made up of many different things. From action to comedy and romance to horror, the are infinite things stories can be about and include. Whether it's a mobster who runs in the flesh eating zombies or a normal kid who gets the job of a lifetime *cough* *cough*, becomes fat, and then a psychopathy it's still a story. So when you read something don't say, this isn't a story it doesn't make any sense at all. Remember that stories have endless possibilities and also that this is Illogicopedia Bitches! mwow513My Articles!Talk to me 02:43, 4 Ergust 2009 (UTC) Good night.