The Octopus Complex
“This article is a m***** f*****, man!”
The Octopus Complex (like the related Electrolux Complex) is a highly unusual - and side splitting very funny - mental condition where a deranged patient believes he is the product of a cephalopod and a female lifeguard romance. If not treated, it can lead to madness, sex, death, se..(no, done that) and.. a very nice bowl of bowl of paella if everything stir fry pans out in the end.
Origins[edit | edit source]
Working in Vienna at the end of the nineteenth century and whilst learning to play the vuvuzela, psychologist Sigmund Freud first wrote up about the Octopus Complex when a patient arrived at his door in a deep sea diving suit. Freud expressed interest in this case and not wishing to have his brand new consultation couch covered in sea weed, asked the diver to retire with him to the Freud family bathroom where they both sat in the same tub and continued the informal consultation. Alas, Freud's notes from this epic meeting dropped in the water and the entire case appears to have been lost from view until a recent auction at Sotheby's, an old diving suit revealed the remnants of soggy paper wedged inside the helmet and so once again the world got to hear about the Octopus Complex and what it was, what it wasn't and if there were fish fingers again for tea. Once he took his patients temperature from his asshole, he turned into an octopus, killing himself four months after.
Fear of the Beast from the deep[edit | edit source]
According to the notes recovered, it seemed the diver had indeed believed an octopus was indeed his father and that it had seduced his mother whilst she was on the beach in Trieste in her one piece bathing suit. Freud did make notes that belief in unions between strange animals and humans was the stuff of many legends (some too filthy even to write down) but that the diver's insistence that was literally true was disturbing. When Freud asked the diver to remove his helmet so that he could see if there was any family resemblance to an octopus, the man had refused and said that the truth would only come many years later in a pirate flick. Freud therefore concluded the interview but in the general sploshing around, he dropped his notes and didn't seem to notice they had been lost until after the diver had disappeared and left the surgery. It seems after then, Freud lost interest in all things octopus but strangely, lurid literature hadn't.
Octopussyphobia Something..[edit | edit source]
Illustrations of men battling giant sea creatures were the stuff of cheap sensational stories at this time. If it wasn't a giant squid trying to get you, the other danger was to get a tap on the shoulder by a curious octopus and then be dragged into the ocean deep. However in the 1940s, the subject of who the octopus might be interested changed from a male diver into a woman as they too now ventured into the sea for adventure. Very soon there were drawings of an octopus grabbing a bikini clad woman as her muscular companion tried to stab it with his knife.
Cheese[edit | edit source]
Is this how all articles end up on here? As the artistic and literary depictions of the random cephelapod forcing themselves upon women evolved, so too did the species that were doing the forcing upon. The ever dangerous Wisconsin Dairy Octopus is known to have evolved to forcifully ejaculate cheese sauce in order to escape the scene of an attack. 95% of women attacked by the Wisconsin Dairy Octopus became pregnant. Many of the children that came about from this had an extreme desire to eat cheese, and several became rabid Packers Fans.
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