The Tremendous Appendix of Infinity

EPIC

This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Oboe #1

"I need my appendix removed," said the man as he walked up to the counter.

"You need what?" said the woman behind the counter.

"I need my appendix removed. I made an appointment with a surgeon and everything. The appointment was today. He told me to come to the hospital at 7:30 and he'd perform the surgery."

"But it's 11:00."

The man paused for a second. "Oh."

"And besides, this isn't the hospital, this is a McDonald's."

"Oh. Well, do you think you could just, you know, take out my appendix anyway? Please?"

But the woman behind the counter simply sighed and pointed to a nearby counter that said COMPANY POLICY: ABSOLUTELY NO SURGERY IS TO BE PERFORMED ON CUSTOMERS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

"Please?" said the man, whose name was Wambatch I'd Hate To See You with the Number 74 Tattood on your Face Jones Jones Smith Jones, "I really need to have my appendix removed! It hurts! A lot! I don't think I'll be able to make it to the hospital from here!"

"The hospital is right next door!" said Jane, "It's only four feet away!!!"

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!" screamed Wambatch, clutching his lower left abdomen and falling backwards onto the floor.

"Your appendix is on your right side, not your left side!" said a customer.

"Oh!" said Wambatch, standing back up, "Sorry. My Mistake. AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!" He fell over again, this time clutching the right side of his lower abdomen.

"Oh my God!" screamed a customer, "He's fallen over! His appendix has given out!"

Most of the customers went on eating. "Shouldn't we do something?" said the man, whose name was Francois, as he stood up, "This man's lying in the middle of our floor, dying!"

"Your right, we should probably move him to a dumpster or something," said the woman behind the counter, "Where's the janitor?"

"You sick, sick woman," said Francois, "Don't you have any morals at all?" He pulled out a pistol, and shot her eighteen times.

Obligatory?

"Okay everyone," said Francois, turning to face the other customers in the restaurant, "It's time to save Wambatch's life!"

"How did you know his name? He didn't introduce himself!" said one woman, who was eating a big mac.

"Shut up!" said Francois, shooting her, "Now, does anyone here know anything about appendixes?"

An obese woman sitting nearby belched.

"Good! She knows all about appendixes, so she'll perform the surgery!" said Francois. He picked Wambatch up and dropped him on the table in front of the obese woman.

"You crushed my big mac!" said the woman, as everyone in the crowd gathered around, staring at the table where Wambatch's body lay.

Francois backed away from the crowd, saying "You people just don't get it, do you? Your selfish wants aren't important anymore!" he backed up behind the counter, and swelled importantly, "A fellow human being is in danger. I'm sure that when Wambatch woke up this morning, he had no idea that his life would soon be in the hands of a bunch of random strangers. But it is. Now is the time for us to let our true human nature show!" as he said this, he opened up the restaurant's cash register and shoveled all the money into one of his pockets.

"But I've never performed a surgery!" said the fat woman, "I don't even know what an appendix is!"

"Always thinking about yourself aren't you, you selfish bitch?" said Francois, as he took her purse out of her back pocket.

"Okay...Okay, I'll do it," she said, "I'll remove his appendix!"

Orange!

"We don't have any surgical tools at all," said the Janitor, whose name was Bill, as he walked out of the supply closet, "All I could find was an old french fry."

"That'll have to do!" said Francois, and he handed it to the obese woman. She took the unconscious Wambatch's shirt off, and tried to make an incision in his belly using the french fry.

Nine years later, she was still rubbing the french fry against Wambatch's stomach. Just then, a man in the crowd suddenly said, "LOOK!"

On the wall, there was a large box marked "Surgical supplies to be used in the rare event that a customer needs his appendix removed and the other customers are too stupid to bring him to the hospital that is about eight feet away."

"It's perfect!" said Francois, and he took the box off the wall.

"You want to hit him with the box and put him out of his misery?" said the obese woman.

"No! This box contains surgical supplies!" Francois pulled out a very sharp knife. "We can use these surgical supplies to CARVE the french fry, so it's sharper! Then, it will be easier to use the french fry to cut open Wambatch!"

Everyone in the crowd cheered, and they all took a scalpel and began chopping away at the french fry. Eight months later, the french fry was extremely sharp. "It'll work perfectly," said Bill the janitor, as he threw all the surgical supplies in a nearby garbage bin, "Now let's get hacking!"

Omniflourescent (if that's a word. I don't think it is. Not that that matters all that much)

"Oh my god, this is so gross!!!" screamed a random woman in the crowd, and she began vomiting.

"The surgery hasn't even started yet!" said Francois.

"Oh, yeah," she said, and she abruptly stopped.

The obese woman was standing over Wambatch, the sharpened french fry in her hand. "I'm trying to decide where the best place to make the incision would be," she said.

"Just start chopping at him," said Francois impatiently, "We'll find the appendix eventually."

She chopped off Wambatch's foot. "Oops," she said, "Guess it's not there."

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, LADY!!!!" screamed a loud, booming voice from the doorway. There, standing in the door and looking very impressive, was a surgeon, who had come from the nearby hospital.

"Hooray!" screamed a little kid, "A surgeon's come to help save Wambatch's life!"

"Save Wambatch's life? Of course not!" said the surgeon with a booming laugh, "I just came to watch! We over at the hospital think it's hilarious to watch this sort of thing! The other surgeons will be coming over pretty soon, I think, and they'll be bringing popcorn. Carry on!"

The obese woman started trembling violently. "Are you nervous?" said Bill to her, "I know it's nerve racking to have the life of another human being resting in your hands."

"It's not that," replied the woman, "It's just that he's lying right on top of my hamburger. If I cut him open, he'll bleed all over it, and a perfectly good burger will be ruined."

"We must make sacrifices for those we care about."

"But I don't care about this guy at all!"

"Good point. Let's just abandon him, shall we?"

The obese woman agreed, and she and Bill walked out of the restaurant.

"Those immoral bastards!" screamed Francois, "I'll go teach them a lesson about learning to care about other human beings!" Francois grabbed a steak knife and ran outside, where he stabbed them both. He then came back in.

"Okay," said Francois, "I guess I'll have to do the operation now. You people will have to help me, though. Just watch everything I do and let me know if I make any mistakes. Oh, and you," he pointed at an attractive woman in the crowd, "Can do a strip dance while I work. I think being aroused will help me concentrate."

Orangutan.

Francois immediately sliced into Wambatch, and made a very large incision. "Okay, fantastic!" he said, "We're in!"

"You probably should have sanitized him first," said the attractive woman, whose name was Jill, as she removed her bra and tantalizingly threw it.

"Damn, you're right!" said Francois, looking down at the now cut-open Wambatch. "What should we do?"

"Well," said Jill, "Why don't we sew the hole back up, then sanitize him, then cut him open again?"

"Brilliance!" screamed Francois, "But there's nothing we can sew him back up with!"

"Meh, we can just use chewing gum to stick him back together," said Jill as she peeled some off the bottom of one of the tables.

They meticulously used the gum to fix Wambatch's chest. Then, they dumped some water on Wambatch to sterilize him, and Francois used his french fry to cut him open again.

"Okay," said Francois, "Now what?"

"We gotta remove the appendix!" screamed a little girl who was overlooking the surgery.

"Right!" said Francois, "But which one is the appendix?"

"I believe my assistence could be useful in this matter," said a priest as he emerged from the crowd.

"Whoa!" said Francois, "We have a priest with us?"

"I was unable to assist you because I was praying. Sorry."

"You were praying for ten years?"

"It was a rather long prayer. I was trying to pray in Latin, and it was taking me a long time, because I've forgotten a lot of my Latin and I left my pocket translator at home. I shall assist you now, however."

The priest looked up at the sky (or in this case, the grease-stained ceiling of the McDonald's restaurant), and said, "Dear God, please give us a sign. Which of dear Wambatch's organs is his appendix? We need to know this so we can remove the appendix and save dear Wambatch's life! GIVE US A SIGN!" At that precise moment, a gust of wind blew a piece of paper into the restaurant, with the phrase "HIS APPENDIX IS RIGHT THERE!!!" written on it. The paper landed right on Wambatch's appendix. But nobody in the restaurant noticed, as their eyes were all fixed on the ceiling. The paper blew away several seconds later.

"Damn," said Francois, "You're useless, aren't you?" he grabbed the priest and threw him out a nearby window. "Let's just start pulling organs out. When Wambatch heals, we'll know we got the right organ!"

Olfactory...

And so, Francois, Jill, and all the others began grabbing organs and removing them, throwing them in the garbage one at a time. Meanwhile, the group of surgeons from the nearby hospital watched with their cameras rolling and laughed uproariously.

After about two days, there were no organs left in Wambatch's body. He still hadn't healed.

"I don't understand it!" bellowed Francois, as he paced back and forth, "We removed everything! Even the organs that we KNEW weren't his appendix, like his brain! But he still hasn't healed!"

"WAIT!!!" screamed Jill, "We missed something!" She pointed into Wambatch, and sure enough, there was his appendix.

"Dammit!" said Francois, "We removed everything in his body EXCEPT his appendix!" Everyone in the crowd sighed with disappointment, except for a few of the children who were playing catch with Wambatch's nose.

Francois removed the appendix. Wambatch's body was now completely empty.

"Well, this is a sticky wicket, isn't it?" said the obese woman.

"Hey, you aren't supposed to be here, I stabbed you, remember?" said Francois.

"Oh yeah, sorry." said the obese woman, and she fell back over, dead.

"But it is indeed a sticky wicket," said an old man in the crowd, "I mean, he has no organs left, and we already threw all his organs in the garbage can, so we can't put them back in!"

"We'll just have to find something to put in Wambatch's body in place of internal organs..." said Francois.

Oboe #2

Everyone in the restaurant started wandering around, looking for something that could replace an internal organ.

"You know what?" said Francois, "Screw this, let's just use the food!"

Everybody agreed, and they began stuffing Wambatch's body with items from the restaurant. They put a big-mac in for his heart, two large chicken mcmuffins for his lungs, and they used french fries and chicken mcnuggets for his other organs. They stuffed the cash register in to be his liver, and they stuck an empty sprite cup where his brain had been. Lastly, they splurted several tons of ketchup and mustard into his body to replace blood. As with before, they used old chewing gum to piece his skin back together.

"Well," said Jill, "We're finished with him. I'll be interested to see how he turns out. We worked on him for ten years. We did everything we could to save his life. Now, we've got him back together, but with bits of mass-produced fast food in place of his internal organs, and a plastic cup in his head instead of a brain. I'll be interested in seeing how this changes him."

Strangely enough, it didn't change him at all. Wambatch woke up, and noticed absolutely no difference in himself, aside from the lack of an appendix. He saw the surgeons standing on the other side of the room, laughing together, and said, "WOW!!! You surgeons came all the way over here just to save me? THANKS!!! You deserve a reward for this!!!" He gave them all his money, and started walking out of the room.

"WAMBATCH!! GET BACK IN HERE, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD!!!" screamed Francois, "It was US who saved you, not the surgeons!"

"Oh." said Wambatch, "Well, whatever. Thanks. I'm so glad I have a second chance at life!" But just then, a gust of wind blew, the gum popped off, and Wambatch dissolved into a pile of big-macs, sprite, ketchup, and chicken nuggets.

"Whoa," said Francois, "He collapsed. I suppose we could try and save him, but that would take a hell of a long time. So...who's hungry?"

THE (rather distasteful [Get it? Distasteful! It's a pun! {A decent pun that was totally ruined by explaining it (or not totally ruined, but partially ruined) to all the readers (all three of them)}]) END!!!!