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The number you called is out of order. Please hang up and try again. Alternatively, continue listening to this message until your day goes down the drain.

If you would like your phone to explode, press 1. If you would like your face to explode, press 2. If you would like to dial a song, press 5, no sir/madam, 3. If you would like this message to shut the hell up, press 4. If you would like to have sex with me right now, press 5. If you would like free heroin, press 6. If you would like to make yourself believe that planet Earth turns slowly, press 7. If you would like your phone to turn into a taco presently, press 8. If you would like to turn into a taco presently, press 9. If you would like to be engulfed by a void of perpetual darkness and subsequently fade into absolute oblivion, thereby rendering your existence as a completely pointless endeavor and the existence of everything else in the universe as a meaningless collection of illusions created by your mind, press 0.

This article is a work in progress. However, the author has writer's block and would like you to pitch in by adding salsa to injury.