There can only be one winner...

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There can only be one winner…

I crossed my fingers, my toes, and my testicles. I thought to myself I must win - I have to! It’s my life to flip peas, eat them and stuff… Surely the “fancy dancy” Donald Duck Jr can’t win with his pooping and shlooping all over the kitchen floor. He sure does take in his father’s footsteps, very well in fact, but that… that’s a novelty act

“The winner, of Illogicopedia’s Got Talent… is….”

My testicles started to hurt. I wondered if pushing my luck was really worth testicular torsion?

The tension is too much! I must know![edit | edit source]

“Shaun Ploddington Vassell!”


Audience member: Gosh, that’s a lot of OMGs. He’s fast… And creative!

“Shaun, you have won!”

I broke down like a drunken schoolgirl, blubbering as I sopped my wooly gloves with tears. The wetness brought out the smell of peas, the very scent I fought to smell since I got adopted by that Chinese businessman. His excuse for ditching me was that I never paid the rent or paid respect. I told him, “No Frills, your mother told you!”, but he didn’t listen. Anyway, it took my entire life to get up to this point. “WELL NEY!”

“Shut up, stupid idiot! I’ve won, and that’s what matters! WOO!”

Time for a song! # LAA LEE LAA LEEE LOOO! #[edit | edit source]

I stole the microphone off the presenter, and serenaded them with my pea song. It went a little something like this:

“I love peas, I do I do I do! Whenever you want to eat them, I make your wish come true! I love peas, of course I bloody do! I can help your fight against the awful yearly flu…”

This song went on and on, until everyone was gone. Except my girlfriend, who sat through the entire serenade streaming tears of joy like that amazing fountain water which shoots out that child’s you-know-what, and is made from actual wee. My girlfriend was chuffed to bits. She ran from her seat, jumping up to the ceiling, and bouncing on her feet like a pogo stick. I was surprised; I’d never seen this kind of athleticism from her before. Maybe I should have children with her? That would be fun!

Insert wet dream here[edit | edit source]

“Oh Shaun! I love you very very very much!”

“Oh girlfriend! I love you very very very very very much!”

“Nothing can change this wonderful moment, just me and you, and… wait, is that bean juice in your beard?”

My girlfriend was allergic to bean juice. It makes her sweat, cough and like the Jeremy Kyle Show.

“Erm, no it’s pea juice.” I said, gritting my teeth as I realized that this could be the end of her life. No biggy, I’ve won Illogicopedia’s Got Talent. I can hold my own show, and it can be about finding myself a new girlfriend! As for now, I have to find a way to make the rest of her existence worthwhile.

“Oh, well that’s okay.”

Better also get a gravestone, just in case...[edit | edit source]

She hugged me in a warm embrace. I realized I hated her guts. Because they don’t agree with beans. So I decided to make a note: “Buy girlfriend new stomach.”

“Girlfriend, we´re gonna buy some kids… er, I mean, have kids.”

“Really? You want that?”

“Yeah. I want to pass on my genes. No seriously, these jeans have been through thick and thin. And they’re still intact. What did you say the make of them was?”

“Oxfam I think. No wait, it was Tesco.”

“Brilliant. I will also set up a business selling Tesco Value jeans. The whole world will get to feel the comfort these bad boys bring!”

Of course, this wasn’t the end of my journey…