Girlfriend

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

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Semi-mythical breasts beasts, Girlfriends are reputed to bring great joy to their captors. However, when handling girlfriends, one must follow a few simple rules.

1. Gin: Do not bring your girlfriend into contact with gin. Doing so will cause her personality to multiply. While this is occasionally a good thing, more likely scenarios involve tears, bitter recriminations, jealousy and expulsion from your abode. It really isn't worth the gamble.
2. Light: Do not expose your girlfriend to bright light. The glare from something as innocent as a computer monitor is likely to drive a girlfriend away. Particular care must be taken when playing computer games. The bright strobing effects, your high-pitched squeals of excitement and interest in something that is not your girlfriend can only result in one thing (blissful, uninterrupted gaming nirvana, but no girlfriend you idiot).
3. Food: Do not feed your girlfriend after midnight. Doing so may cause the girlfriend to transform into a wife. Wives are a larger, scalier form of girlfriend. They are generally considered to be a bad thing.
4. Huffing: Never, ever, huff your girlfriend (for obvious reasons).

Imaginary Girlfriends

Unlike a real girlfriend, Smurfette can be huffed!

As girlfriends are hard to come by, particularly to readers of uncyclopedia, many resort to imaginary girlfriends or "porn". The most popular imaginary girlfriends, as chosen by American teenagers are:

• Oprah Winfrey
• Lara Croft
• Bjork
• Smurfette
• Queen Victoria
• Bea Arthur
• Morgan Freeman
• Your Mom

The Girlfriend Gene

The so called "girlfriend" gene enables one to bond socially and possibly sexually with a member of the opposite sex. The presence (or absence) of this gene is the only biological method known to modern science for determining whether or not an individual is in fact a "true nerd." It is known that this gene is recessive and therefore occurs very rarely except among users of the Unix, BSD and Linux operating systems, and those that play Dungeons and Dragons, cosplay, those that are considered "emo," and vegetarians. Scientists believe these personality archetypes will eventually go extinct due to the effects of their recessive genes, and in some cases, horribly atrophied and non-functional genitalia.

It should be noted at this point that bonding associally with a member of the same sex is illegal and immoral. Shame on you for even reading this sentence.

Footnotes

^I really feel bad for this guy.