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A tractor is a species of car that has adapted to the environment of large, flat fields of grains and other sorts of foods you can find on a farm. Many farmers have domesticated these animals, and ride them around the farm for no apparent reason in exchange for meals in the form of gasoline.

A Tractor. We Think. We're not entirely sure. It could be Jon Snow.

History[edit | edit source]

Early Years[edit | edit source]

The history of tractors can be traced back to a herd of barrels of pickle brine left stranded in an American ditch beside a mountain being blown up by immigrants. Further investigation reveals that the immigrants were hired by railroad companies to do so. The herd traveled to a desolate field inhabited by a family of farmers and a few thousand ducks, where they sealed themselves in a cocoon and emerged as John Deere.

The New Age[edit | edit source]

The family of John Deere were then shooed away by the local scarecrow, and they fled to the opening in the mountain blown up by the immigrants, one of which commented later that "It was like Armageddon, but with Uzis, Jon Snow, and hallucinatory drugs. You should've been there, man." The John Deere found a suitable place for a dwelling beside a lake infested with a single giant squid. They carved out a door, magically enchanted it, and made a giant palace inside the mountain. The John Deere interbred, and developed an entire civilization devoted to mining too deep. Unfortunately, they mined too deep and unleashed a wave of famine, garbage trucks, goblins, and a Balrog. Everyone was wiped out except for one John Deere, who looked suspiciously like Morgan Freeman.

Final Evolution[edit | edit source]

The surviving John Deere bred with him/herself (and died in the process) to create the species we know today: the firefighters. The firefighters went on to eventually build a tractor, which was commercialized by a stray John Deere that was reincarnated by a snowman.

Modern Usage[edit | edit source]

Tractors now mainly reside in Northern Sweden, near Puerto Rico. They also have a nice vacation spot in Cancún. Their everyday activities include chewing on a blade of grass, spitting the blade of grass out, chewing on it again, and re-enacting the Bolshevik Revolution. This mainly consists of an airborne frying pan and a disgruntled top hat beatboxing to Madonna. Once the tractor reaches an age of eleventy-eleventeen millidecades, it sails to Nebraska in an ironclad, where it wanders around the United States to find a job on a farm. One can occasionally catch a glimpse of a hang-gliding pear, which is the way tractors advertise their need of a farm to reside in.

Theories[edit | edit source]

Some do not believe existing information on tractors, so various theories currently exist about the history of Tractors.

Decepticons[edit | edit source]

One theory states that Tractors were secretly built by the CIA as Decepticons, to gather information on farmers, because the agents from the U.S. Census refuse to dwell within 100 feet of a farm. One agent stated "There is a deep sickness on those land". Curiously enough, when a medium was brought to one case, he/she reported that the air quality was spectacular, then promptly morphed into a zebra and burrowed into the ground. Theorists debate whether this is relevant or not, or whether it is significant at all.

Aliens[edit | edit source]

Lizard Wizard gonna get ya

Clyde[edit | edit source]

A picture story was found engraved in fossilized John Deere dung, telling the tale of a tractor who tried to stand up to the Balrog that attacked the John Deere in the New Age. The tractor was/is named Clyde, and fought the Balrog on the last bridge before the security exit. Clyde sacrificed himself and plunged him and the Balrog into the depths of the earth. The picture story ended there, and no more solid information would exist if not for a camera that decided to follow Clyde and the Balrog falling into the depth of the John Deere mine, and the camera eventually revealed itself in a movie sequel. Even while falling, Clyde fought valiantly and slayed the Balrog in what was likely another dimension, then supposedly faded away. However, various cases have arisen of people claiming that "Clyde is back from Canadia". According to these cases, Clyde's ghost has possessed a tractor and is seeking 2 young Jon Snows to rescue from a few orcs.

See Also[edit | edit source]

  1. REDIRECT That one family of ostriches I found in Botswana one Tuesday morning