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This article has been deemed
because it's cool enough to curdle cheese.
See more EPICS


Johnny and Bob Were crossing a bridge.

"La de da," said Johnny. Bob wanted to make a comment on the gayness but he refrained.

Just then a troll came out and it was like, DUN NUH NUH!!!!

And the troll was like, "Pay the toll, bitches!"

Johnny looked at Bob in the "We're fucking screwed; what do we do now" kinda way. Bob pulled out a nine-millimeter and pointed it sideways at the troll.

The troll was like, "Shit! He's got a piece!"

Bob shot the troll five times. Bob shouted, "That's how we do it in my neighborhood mutha fucka!"

They kept walking toward their goal of nowhere. Nowhere is a magical land in the mountains of East West Virginia; or at least that's what the bird told Bob while he was tripping on acid.

"Damn," said Bob, "None of the tourist information centers have any information on nowhere.

Johnny responded, "Maybe because it doesn't exist.."

Bob grabbed Johnny by his shirt's collar, "We went over this. I trust that bird. If he said it exists, IT EXISTS."

"Okay, okay," said Johnny, "I just-... I don't know. A bird isn't the most reliable source in the world. Don't you remember you were tripping when this all happened?"

Bob was angry, "I was not tripping! I was perfectly fine. This bird comes up and said that there's this magical place in East West Virginia and it's called nowhere. So I'm like, 'This doesn't seem like a bad idea,' but you're here to rain on my parade. If I didn't need you to carry supplies and all of that, I'd be going by myself."

Johnny was now getting defensive, "So that's what I'm here for? Supplies? I thought we were friends, Bob, but now... I don't now anymore. You never call! I just- just... I don't think we can make this work. I think it's time to say goodbye to you, Bob, but you'll always be my favorite. Remember that..."

Bob said, "Woah, woah. Are you breaking up with me?"

Johnny snapped out of crying, "Um... No."

"Good," said Bob, "Because, you know, we were never going out."

"Oh yeah."

Bob and Johnny approached what they believed to be the last piece of civilization before the mountains that nowhere was located in.

"Okay so the map the bird drew says nowhere is fifty miles through the mountains from here," said Bob.

"Fifty miles? I can't believe this," said Johnny.

Johnny; disgruntled as he was, trudged on with Bob. The going was tough. They had to carry 50 pounds each and had no water whatsoever. They were going on an impossible mission to nowhere. Literally.

"Just forty nine more miles," said Bob.

Johnny's eyes opened wide, "We only went a mile?"

Bob looked around to avoid eye contact, "Um... yea."

Johnny snarled, "Let's just keep going."

They traveled on for hours. Hours and hours. They drank their own urine at times.

Bob looked cheerful, "Forty miles to go."

Johnny again was angry, "WHAT!? That was only ten miles."

"Um... No... um... maybe... I don't know... Yes."

Johnny was pissed again, "Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable."

"Just keep your head up, Johnny."

They decided to make camp on a small plateau.

Johnny looked at Bob, "Um... What are we going to eat?"

Bob looked at Johnny like he was stupid, "Johnny; we both know I've seen at least 50 episodes of Man vs. Wild. We will hunt for our food like the Natives did."

Johnny looked back at Bob, "You do know that Man Vs. Wild is pretty fake, right? The crew sets up all of that stuff. He doesn't even stay in the camps he makes. Survivorman is better. Now that shit is real. Real as fuck."

Bob responded, "Oh blah, blah, blah. The man's name is Bear. Bear! It's gotta be real. And don't you love how he pronounces the word glacier? He says like "Glass-ee-ur". Or how he says vitamins like "Vit-ih-mins"."

Johnny sighed, "You did nothing to prove your point. Believe me. I've paused the episode when that wall of text comes up after certain commercial breaks. It talks about how he purposely sets up situations and stuff. Don't believe that garbage. Sure that show is entertaining as hell, but it's not real so you can't try to survive like that. Oh yeah, and you're not an ex-British Special forces operative nor have you climbed Mount Everest so for some odd reason I doubt you'd be able to do half of the stuff he pulls off in the show but good luck."

Bob just smiled, "Pshaw..."

Johnny frowned, "I guess I'll just go to bed on an empty stomach. Good night Bob."

Johnny fell asleep as Bob was contemplating where and what he should hunt. He was thinking gazelle but wasn't sure if they were plentiful in West Virginia. He decided to hunt bengal tigers instead. He set traps and shouted, "Here kitty, kitty," but nothing happened.

Finally he gave up and headed back to camp.

When they awoke the next day, they were hungry but needed to keep trudging on. Eventually they had a second wind and made it to ten miles away where they made camp. They were completely out of energy and really needed food.

Bob and Johnny went rabbit hunting. All they had was a stick that was sorta pointy at the end.

They hunted for hours and hours but with no avail. They even got another sorta pointy stick and split up but it didn't work. Johnny was disgusted with himself and Bob was acting stupid as usual. They both met up at camp when the sun was setting.

Johnny snarled, "No fucking food!" and threw his stick backwards.

They heard a yelp and turned around. There they saw a rabbit impaled by the stick Johnny threw.

Bob cheered and Johnny was relieved. For a second at least.

Now they had an even greater rattlesnake to beat; fire.

When it hit Johnny that they need a fire he kicked a rock against another rock which created a spark and set a bunch of trees on fire.

"Wouldn't ya know," said Bob.

They roasted the rabbit over the fire like a rotisserie and ate it when it seemed fully cooked. In actuality it tasted pretty good and they both liked it.

They both went to sleep full and happy and they needed it for what would happen tomorrow... EPIC FORESHADOWING!!!!!

So the next morning they awoke to realize that it was 100 degrees and about 99 percent humidity. They decided it was best to keep walking on. After all, they only needed ten miles to go, eh?

Johnny panted, "I- can't- go- on...."

Bob started acting like a boot camp instructor, "You're gonna keep your head up and you're gonna keep moving on! Keep going! Keep going!"

Johnny looked at Bob, "What the hell? When did you become... A boot camp guy."

Bob looked at him intimidatingly, "When you became a pussy. KEEP MOVING!"

They kept moving until they were about a quarter mile from nowhere.

Bob screamed, "We're here!!!"

They saw the magical place of nowhere and they both jumped forward. Since I'm terrible with endings, they both tumbled down a cliff.

The end.

If you don't like the ending, complain about it.