User:CookieBoi/Sandbox
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 The Healing Saint of Velocity | |
| Vital Statistics | |
|---|---|
| Nickname | Big Balls, The Madagascar Menace |
| Species | Cookie / Eldritch Pastry |
| Age | 11,200 years (and still crusty) |
| Born | October 7, 9180 BCE |
| Nationality | Madagascar (I like to move it!) |
| Logistics | |
| Occupation | Deadbeat Dad / Professional Flyer |
| Religion | Vanillaism (The Holy Stick) |
| Address | 69 Big Nad Lane |
| Physics | |
| Speed | 1000 mp/h |
| Phallus Length | 78 Solar System Laps |
Pure Vanilla Cookie (also known by his "street names" Big Balls, The Vanilla Void, or Sour Urine) is a saint who was baked with honorable Pure Vanilla. He is a prominent inhabitant of the Biscuit Walk Domain. When people looked up at him, they saw a long stick, massive wings, and even bigger nads. The gods were amazed by his massive dough-balls. Every female from the Vanilla Kingdom screamed, "HE HAS BIG BALLS, LET'S GO HUMP HIM!" Another cookie said, "I hope he nuts! I want to see him cream his stick and nut nuttie balls out!" Pure Vanilla Cookie said, "OH FUCK NO!"
History[edit | edit source]
Ever since Pure Vanilla Cookie was born, he had big nads but didn't know why. He famously looked at his own reflection in a puddle of milk and screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK SHALL I DO?, MY BALLS ARE BIG!"
A cream squirrel named Deez famously offered to show the world just how much bigger and nuttier those balls could get, leading to a kingdom-wide ban on squirrels in the royal gardens.
Despite the constant harassment, he eventually grew up and decided to populate the kingdom his own way, fathering 100 children via IVF (In-Vitro Flour-tilization). This is why half the cookies in the kingdom have his eyes and the other half have his crippling anxiety. 75% of his offspring are currently classified as Unbaked Dough-slugs.
Recipe[edit | edit source]
- Ingredients:
- 1 gallon of Wizard's Phallus Creme (extracted under a blood moon).
- 50 lbs of 100% Pure Vanilla (I like to move it, move it!).
- 2 cups of Chocolate (The label says "Not Feces").
- 4 metric tons of High-Potency Yeast.
- A drip of Vanilla Extract (and urine).
- 96% ABV Isopropyl Alcohol.
- 4% Kingfisher Lager Beer
- 810 Good Day Biscuits
- 9999 Marie Biscuits
- Bournvita
- Whiskey
- Omphalolith
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Pure Vanilla can flap his wings. But he can't flap his balls.
- He can mate at an alarming speed of 1 second. Sheesh!
- He checks his stick every now and then to see growth but no growth. FUCK!
- He can fly at 1000 mp/h.
- The length of his Phallus is so long it can reach from the US and do 78 laps around the solar system. WOOH!
Reception[edit | edit source]
| Critic | Rating | Review |
|---|---|---|
| Jamie Oliver | 100/10 | "Wow! That shit is tasty. I tried it with my husband, Gordon Ramsay." |
| The FSSAI | 100% | "Excellent. Tastes like Marie and Good Day biscuits." |
| White Lily Cookie | 1000% | "I want to hump that Motherfucker! Bring him here." |
The Biscuit Walk Domain[edit | edit source]
The Biscuit Walk Domain is a high-temperature realm located deep within the crust of the Great Oven. It is the only place in the multiverse where the ambient temperature remains a constant 9150°F, which is just enough to keep the inhabitants crispy but not burnt.
Geography[edit | edit source]
- The Milky River: A literal river of 2% milk that flows through the center of the domain. If a cookie falls in, they become soggy and are exiled to the "Soggy Bottom" slums.
- The Yeast Peaks: Mountains that rise and fall depending on how much the sun (a giant heat lamp) is shining.
- The Great Stick Monument: A massive statue dedicated to Pure Vanilla Cookie’s legendary walking stick.
Atmosphere[edit | edit source]
The air in the Domain smells like burnt sugar and isopropyl alcohol. Due to the extreme heat, gravity works differently; nads grow 400% larger here than in the "Soft-Batch" world. This is considered a sign of high status and superior baking.