User:Gruntled/Horoscopes for May 2015
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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.
- Gemini - You will get the lead role in the next Karate Kid movie. Beware the monsters in the woods
- Cancer - Check your homeowners insurance for a rain of monkeys. If you have a foreskin, fix a light in it with tape and go trick or treating as a jackoff lantern. Regulate your digestion with wheat grass and carpet padding.
- Leo - You are sixth in line for the Papacy. See how many onions you can fit in your left nostril. Smirk like you mean it.
- Virgo - Help flood Belgium in foreign currency. Eat a grommet for Jesus.
- Libra -
- Scorpio -
- Sagittarius -
- Capricorn -
- Aquarius -
- Pisces -
- Ophiuchus-
- Aries - Maintain the appearance of respect for authority. Mean people are out to get you, so look sharp. Avoid low-fat foods from the twentieth through the twenty third. A child born to you during this month should be named Mao for a girl or Snaggletoof for a boy.
- Taurus - Affect a limp to throw off video cameras. Take a course in Existential Philosophy and learn how to speak ontological gibberish. Hallucinations of flying monkeys will plague you early in the month.