User:Kuolioinen/Rofloptr's saga

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Birthdream

Rofloptr was born between the pages of a book by Snaptun's seed in an unknown time. Nobody kept time, so this is understandable. Rofloptr was mothered by the book named Edda. Snaptun on the other hand was a stone; hard and cold as a father is expected to be. Due to the hardness and coldness of his father, Rofloptr reached adulthood faster than his fellow peers and the speed of sound, even. When he became an adult, the world was silent. No sound could reach Rofloptr before he made his own sound, for he was much too fast for that. He always spoke first and yet he was hesitant to break the ice at first. This made him lose his nervousness and gained him the ability to be a tremendous public speaker and talented at conversation. After the first day of his life, he slept well the next night. This marked the first day in Rofloptr's life, in which he was born, became an adult, lost his difficulties of public speaking and starting a conversation and learned how to sleep well. That was a good day, thought Rofloptr and drifted off to a deep slumber.

In his dreams, Rofloptr had a vision of the tallest woman he ever saw. The woman dwarfed him in every way and try as he might, Rofloptr couldn't see the woman's ankles, let alone her face. Her skin was dry and black to the point that it was flaking off, as if the woman had been caught by a raging wildfire. Next to the enormous woman was another one the size of Rofloptr, who still dwarfed him in every way except his size. They were equals in that regard, but the second woman's beauty outshone his easily. She swayed seductively and gestured Rofloptr to follow her, but he couldn't, as he started to lose weight. After his weight fell below zero, Rofloptr rose to the level of the mouth of the enormous woman. Unlike most of her body, her lips were glistening with moisture. They were jet black like a carrion crow and equally hungry. She smiled and licked her lips, but Rofloptr didn't know fear and so didn't feel threatened by her. After a while, the woman spoke with a soft, womanly voice unexpected of her looks.

"You do not know how to fear death, because you were just born—your parents might as well create you again", she said softly. "I am Gangreena, the Death Mistress, but most refer to me as Lady Death. And who might you be?" she asked. "Everyone's name is in the Book of Death", answered Rofloptr. "Isn't mine?" "It was, but I lost it", she admitted, folding her arms around her back. One couldn't see it, but Rofloptr guessed she was blushing as well, judging from her bashful smile. "I forgive you, Miss Death", Rofloptr said with honesty and reached out his hand, as if to bless her. Nothing happened, so he lowered his hand and looked at the empty space around, above and below him. He had ascended to a height where the second, seductive woman was no longer visible. Rofloptr shifted his gaze back at Gangreena and inspected her. The whites of her eyes were yellow and her surprisingly long hair was gray. Rofloptr felt himself drawn to her and wanted to touch her skin, but couldn't, because he was too far away from her.

"You are in awe of me, but wait until you see the World. She is even taller than me and the most beautiful of us all", said Gangreena. "That will have to wait. I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to get out of here" said Rofloptr worried. The empty space around him made him anxious, because he didn't know if anything else was in it save for the two ladies and him. "Curious", said Gangreena. "This must be your first dream, then." Rofloptr rose to the level of her eyes, which were now closed. "All you have to do is open...your...eyes...", she said with lengthy pauses between the last words. Suddenly Gangreena opened her eyes and space around her started vibrating strongly. The tremors caused space to visibly curve around them and then tear horizontally in two places. The tears were torn more and more until they formed two eye-shaped holes showing Rofloptr's bedroom. It was dawn outside. He was being sucked in by two twisters leading to still asleep Rofloptr's nostrils. As he was sucked in, he sprang wide awake.

The Tragic Tragedian

Upon waking, Rofloptr shook his head and felt his ears. It felt like someone had entered each ear, with one ear canal of normal size and the other larger than the first one. He sighed. The ladies aren't that easy to shake off, are they, he thought. Well, at least I have company for my new occupation. Let it be known that Rofloptr was a tragedian; a most difficult job at this time and place. Everyone was too happy and the directors of the World appointed Rofloptr to pacify the incessant laughter, so that the World could be properly directed once more. The World hadn't been directed for countless millennia; what do the directors think have changed now? What do they think they have that others preceding them lacked? "They have the man without a mark in the Book of Death", reminded Gangreena out of the blue. She wasn't there with Rofloptr, but then again she couldn't possibly fit in his bedroom anyway. They were all in his head.

Rofloptr went to work at the Public Square, where a large podium had been placed under an acrobat's tightrope. People from all around the World were on a picnic eating luxurious foods, walking their slaves, smoking mushrooms and drawing shy hermaphrodites on a canvas. Most surprising of all was that the painters had muses. Rofloptr hadn't seen a hermaphrodite before, was distracted from his work and went closer to inspect them. They were like works of art; perfect in every way. Someone handed him a mushroom pipe and at once he was crossing dimensions. One of the hermaphrodites joined him on his journey. Their skin had all the colors of a rainbow and black and white. Floating on the same raft on a river far away from the Public Square, neither of them spoke. They just looked at each other until all of a sudden another one on another raft started playing the flute. The sound was distorted in a way that it put the tallest bassoons and most humongous tubas to shame.

The river was made of milk and among the rafts people were swimming, playing and frolicking in it. Rofloptr wanted as well and so he dove down below the many swimmers. His hair tickled the bottoms of the swimmers' feet. Deep down in the river stood a statue which came to life and spoke to Rofloptr with a strong, dominant voice. "We did not have a chance to meet last time, yet we absolutely must. Can you feel it? The breaths of life, the vibrations around your being... what do you suppose that is? Where do you suppose you are?" the statue asked. It was made from marble. Rofloptr opened his mouth but out came a foreign language even the talented speaker himself couldn't understand. The statue touched his chin. "What you see is the truth, yet what you speak perverts worlds. I am glad my gifts prevented a tragedy from occurring", spoke the statue. All of a sudden, a vortex emerged from the bottom of a river and pulled Rofloptr in.

Rofloptr fell down from a hole in the sky and landed softly back on the podium. The speech which had been prepared for him had these words made out of mold on it: 'THE CHOICE IS YOURS'. He could still make out most of the speech and do his job. His shift had barely even started. Rofloptr spoke and as he spoke, entire mountain ranges moved and oceans shifted. The words in the speech were riddled with poison, but Rofloptr didn't understand that. The poisonous words slit the throats of picnicking children, causing despair to their friends and family. A downpour slammed down ruining the picnic for the rest. Rofloptr felt a surge of pride as he stepped down from the podium and went home. I did my job well, he thought. The World was yet to understand what kind of a man Rofloptr was, much like Rofloptr himself. Blood was raining for weeks from that point onward, as he had gifted Gangreena with many children of their own.

Bloody footprints

Rofloptr received a letter the next day. It was from the directors of the World. They demanded Rofloptr to give his next speech at Open Square, but Rofloptr decided to go to Public Square again out of curiosity. It was still raining blood outside and he didn't own an umbrella, but he decided to go nevertheless. The grass was red and sticky from all the blood, but Rofloptr didn't bother to put on his shoes. The park was almost entirely abandoned with one woman sitting on a blanket eating cucumbers as if the picnic had never ended. Despite all that'd happened, there was not a single bloodstain on her. She motioned Rofloptr to sit next to her and made some space on the blanket. "Cucumber?" she asked as Rofloptr sat down. "No thanks, I'm good", he answered. "Cucumber", she retorted and wolfed the rest of her cucumber down like an animal. Rofloptr glanced into her basket and saw that there were many more left.

Rofloptr felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to look at a child with an impish smile. "Carrot?" it asked and started poking Rofloptr with a carrot. Every time he reached his hand to grab it, the child pulled it away and when his hand was lowered, the child poked him again. It was a shame, because Rofloptr really liked carrot juice. Kids, he thought and smiled. To think I am younger than them... Where's my childhood? Who could've possibly stolen it? Rofloptr was so deep in thought he didn't realize that people were quite literally coming to life around him, all of them repeating the names of various fruit and vegetables they had. Nevertheless the conversations they had went along fluently. An eagle pierced through the sky darkened by blood clouds and dispersed them. The woman stood up, prompting Rofloptr to look up and realize where he'd ended up. He was on the beach watching how all the people around him drank the blood from the river.

As he walked on the beach, Rofloptr left behind him a set of bloody footprints in the sand. No matter how much the tides washed over them, they wouldn't go away. When the river was emptied from all of its blood, the drinkers started following Rofloptr, kissing his footprints with passion. The woman with the cucumbers reached him first and gave him a wooden chalice with half red, half green liquid. "Cucumber", she said once again. Rofloptr didn't understand her, but took the chalice and downed it in one go. It was a mixture of human blood and cucumber juice—rich in nutrients. Suddenly the woman kissed him and he felt sleepier and sleepier by the minute. He laid down on the woman's blanket with the woman cuddling next to him and closed his eye. Rofloptr heard a familiar voice speaking to him through the repetitive 'cucumbers' the woman spoke of. It was the statue from the bottom of the river, he realized before falling into a deep slumber once more.