User:Mynameissecret/TFAM
Chapter 1[edit | edit source]
It was a dark and stormy night. Rain hammered against the window. William Race sat at his office desk, tap-tappering away at his keyboard. he was writing his new novel, 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy', and was half way through. (It was later to be developed into a film, starring Tom Cruise).
What a horror movie clichéd night this is, thought William, stopping his annoying tap-tappering. I wouldn't be surprised if a zombie appeared through the door.
Suddenly, CRASH! A zombie appeared through the door. William chucked his computer at it.
"Ouch!" said the zombie. "I mean you know harm! I'm only trying to find your canteen! It is supposed to have high quality snickers bars!"
William ignored him and raced down the stairs in fright, just as a SWAT team appeared in full attire. William blanched - then realized! They must be after the zombie!
"Oi!" said William. "The zombie is up there! Up the stairs!"
The first SWAT member turned to him. "Well, actually, we were looking for your canteen. Supposedly there's a great canteen with high quality snicker bars!"
Gosh, thought William, These snickers are pretty popular. I'll tell the office manager.
But he got some snickers for the SWAT team anyway.
While they were munching away, he looked out the window. The storm was gathering in intensity. Suddenly a lightning bolt struck a nearby house, killing the family living there.
"Should have paid their electricity bills," muttered William.
Soon the SWAT team finished crunching away and tried to leave. Strangely, the doors were locked shut. The leader of the SWAT team (who's name is Ben if you want to know) tried to blast it open with a round of bullets, but to no avail. It was sealed shut, as if by some strange force. Suddenly the windows rattled.
This is getting more clichéd by the second, thought William. Then he turned to the SWAT team. "Try the windows!" he said.
Ben shook his head. "This is most likely a Hollywood movie. Trying to open the windows would be logical. That's not something Hollywood understands."
William nodded. "So what-" he began, but never finished. Suddenly a booming voice shook the building.
Hello! You do not know it, but you are trapped here, and will most likely die here!
The SWAT team raised their guns. William gulped.
Placed in the building with you are four monsters. Not crappy CGI ones, but cool ones. Big and scary. They will kill you. If they do not, a timer has been set for four hours. When the timer ends, this entire building explodes. And if you escape, YOU will explode. I'm not sure how - I haven't quite worked that part out. but I'll get to it.
William gulped.
The only thing that you can do to survive is to find the three annoying monkeys hidden inside the building. You must find them! Good luck!
William gulped again.
"Stop your gulping!" yelled a SWAT (who's name was B. A. Dickhead). "It's getting annoying!"
The other SWATs nodded.
Chapter 2[edit | edit source]
The group of them, William and the fifteen SWATs, sat huddled around a campfire they had miraculously lit on the floor.
"What should we do?" asked the SWAT named B. A. Dickhead.
"We have to go after those monkeys," said Ben.
The SWAT next to him, a burly guy named Smith (His real name is Polly, but don't tell him that you know that), nodded. "Did you hear what that voice said? We have to get those monkeys so we can survive!"
The SWATs murmured in agreement. William nodded as well.
"Ok," said Ben. "Me, Dickhead, Smith and Battery-man will go together. The rest of you guys split into groups of three. We're gonna find these monkey things."
"What about me?" said William Race.
"You can come with us," said Ben, and threw a handgun to William. He slipped it into his pocket.
***
Ben, B. A. Dickhead, Polly, William, and a small SWAT by the name of Battery-man, headed down the corridor. The lights above them flickered ominously. Soon they reached a door.
"Where does this lead?" said Ben.
"To the library and shark pool," said William.
"Shark pool?" said Battery-man. "Why the hell do you have a shark pool in a business building?"
William shrugged. "Beats me. The writer of this lame story probably put it there so one of us can get eaten by sharks sometime in the future."
The others nodded in agreement, then headed into the passage.
***
Meanwhile, a Sergeant named Puddles led his five-man group up some stairs. They creaked creepily. When he reached the top, he turned to see all of his men had been eaten by ferocious man-eating venus flytraps lying in wait.
"Damn," he muttered, and kicked himself for his stupidity. Well, he didn't ACTUALLY kick himself, because that's a hard thing to do. It's just an expression.
He continued into the next room and jumped as the door behind him slammed shut. But there was no wind.
"Damn these horror movie clichés," muttered Puddles.
Then, a zombie appeared, groping towards him! He pointed his gun at it.
"No," said the zombie. "I mean you no harm! I'm only looking for a snickers bar!"
"Ok," said Puddles, "I didn't eat mine." He gave the snickers to the zombie.
"Thanks," it said.
After it had finished, Puddles asked him, "Have you seen an annoying monkey around here?"
"You mean THAT monkey?" said the zombie, pointing to a golden statue sitting on the windowsill.
"Perfect!" said Puddles, and grabbed it. "That was easy," he said.
Then he heard the growl behind him.
Chapter 3[edit | edit source]
Ben, William and the other soldiers crept into the library. All was dark. Suddenly, William heard a strange sound. It sounded like sand paper against wood.
"Can you hear that?" said William.
The SWATs raised their guns, scanning the area. They couldn't actually, because it was pitch black, but they tried their best.
It was then that the monster attacked. It was a huge snake, and it came crashing through the shelves, tried to eat them.
"Men! Scatter!" yelled Ben. The SWATs dispersed, firing at the huge snake, but the bullets simply bounced off.
William dived under a shelf, just as B. A. Dickhead was picked up and swallowed by the huge snake, screaming. At that, Ben and Polly fled down the corridor, while Battery-man continued to fire at the beast. Then his gun ran out of bullets and he slid under the shelf after William. The snake made a snap at him but missed, and turned to chase after Polly and Ben.
William and Battery-man sprinted through the shelves of books, until they were sure the snake was not following them. They stopped to catch their breath. Then William spotted the annoying monkey. Fortunately, it wasn't very far away. Unfortunately, it was at the bottom of the shark pool.
"Damn," said William, and showed Battery-man. "What are going to do?"
***
But Ben and Polly were still running from the huge snake, and it was gaining on them. It was then that Polly spotted a convenient trapdoor.
"Quick!" he yelled. "Down that trapdoor!"
They scrambled in and shut it, just as the huge snake reached them. Actually, it was quite far away, but it adds a bit more excitement making it closer.
Polly and Ben looked away, to see the third group of SWATs. Well, all that was actually left were the skeletons.
"Bum," said Ben.
***
Puddles and the zombie turned to see a huge lizard standing in front of them. It was covered in spines, and a hot acrid breath wafted out of its mouth, which was full of serrated teeth. It muscular arms scraped the ground, leaving deep, splintered-
"Ok," said Puddles. "That's enough with the over-descriptive writing!"
Then the lizard charged.
Puddles grabbed the zombie and the two of them dived out of the way. The lizard crashed into a nearby desk, its claws ripping it to splinters. Puddles and the zombie ran for their lives, and just managed to get through the next door, as the lizard got up and charged again. They hurried along, until they saw a grave. The zombie jumped in and disappeared without even a goodbye.
"Thanks a lot," muttered Puddles, just as the door behind him exploded and the lizard burst through, leaving a gaping hole in the wall. Puddles gasped and dashed up a nearby flight of stairs. The lizard followed, trying desperately to grab him. But Puddles turned and blazed away with his gun. The lizard roared in agony as bullets raked across its face. It turned and fled. Puddles sat, breathing heavy.
"Well, that was easy," he said. "Why hadn't I just done that before?"
But he was grateful and lay back on the stairs, resting.
Chapter 4[edit | edit source]
William and Battery-man sat staring at the shark-infested water, thinking.
"Maybe they're vegetarians," said Battery-man.
"Nah," replied William.
"Then what will we do?" said Battery-man.
"I don't-" started William, but he never finished. The gigantic snake was sitting right behind them. Battery-man tried to raise his gun but the snake flicked it away with a whip of its tail. Then it opened its mouth...
And William drew the handgun that Ben had given him! He fired it into the snakes mouth, and the huge beast roared in agony, before toppling into the shark pool, crushing the sharks in it and at the same time killing itself. It is also sent the annoying monkey spinning up into the air, and it landed right in William's hand.
"Well at least we know this isn't a Hollywood movie," said Battery-man. "That was TOO unbelievable."
William gave him a look.
"But it was still cool," added Battery-man.
***
Ben and Polly skirted the skeletons of their comrades, searching the area. The room was small but its roof was very high and very dark. The annoying monkey was nowhere to be seen.
The monster that had killed the SWATs was ALSO nowhere to be seen.
"Maybe they killed the monster," said Polly, just as the monster dropped from the roof and landed behind Ben.
It was a giant spider.
"Duck!" yelled Polly, as he pulled the trigger on his machine gun. The bullets raked across the giant spider and it toppled over, dead.
"Well, that was easy," said Polly.
Which was exactly when he spotted a dozen more spiders charging at them down the corridor!
"Damn," said Ben. Then they turned and ran.
***
At the same time, William, Battery-man and Puddles ran down the corridor, after meeting together. They now held two of the annoying monkeys.
"We have to find the last annoying monkey!" said William.
It was then that the booming voice sounded again.
Good afternoon, victims!
"It's not morning, you idiot!" yelled William. "It's the middle of night!"
Uh... sorry.
There was an awkward silence.
Anyway - you seem to be going well. So I have decided to stop all this now. I have put on a timer for a nuclear bomb hidden under this building. It will go off in 30 seconds. I, however, are inside a giant spaceship and am about to fly away. There is also a convenient rope trailing out the back of it for you to grab onto.
William turned to see the convenient rope whiz up to them.
"Quick!" he yelled. "Grab on!"
The three of them were whisked out through an open window into the storm outside.
Soaking wet, the three began to clamber up the rope as they flew over the buildings. A bolt of lighting whizzed past William's face, but they kept climbing.
Just as William reached the bottom of the spaceship, the rope began to rip!
"Quickly!" he yelled.
Puddles grabbed on to a rung at the bottom of the spaceship, but Battery-man wasn't fast enough. The rope broke! William reached out and grabbed him by the hand, but he was too heavy.
"I can't hold on!" yelled William.
"Then let me go! You must!" yelled Battery-man. "Defeat that evil guy! You must!"
William gulped as he gently let go and Battery-man plummeted to the ground.
"Let's go!" yelled Puddles over the wind.
Chapter 5[edit | edit source]
A few minutes earlier. Polly and Ben ran for their lives, firing back at the incoming wave of giant spiders. They rounded a corner, and one grabbed Polly.
"No!" yelled Ben, trying to fire at the beast, but it swallowed Polly.
Ben ran faster, until he hit a dead end. Then he turned back. The spiders were gone.
"Well, that was pretty lame," he said, "But convenient."
It was then that he saw the huge space ship fly away, with Battery-man, Puddles and William. And then he spotted something else. And he smiled.
***
William and Puddles struggled against the wind and rain, climbing hand over hand under the spaceship. They soon reached a small trapdoor and clambered through. They were standing a dim-lit, futuristic pathway. In one direction was a door. The other direction led to a corner, but there was a banana there.
"I don't like the look of that banana," said William. "Let's go the other way."
The pulled open the door and found themselves in the command room of the spaceship. And sitting in the controls were...
...a giant alien monkey!
"Holy shit!" breathed William.
I know. I am frightening and awe inspiring! The huge monkey boomed.
"It's not that!" said William. "It's just that I can't believe the writer of this story would come up with such a lame enemy!"
The monkey sighed. Yes. It is pretty lame.
There was an awkward silence.
"Well," said Puddles. "Let's fight!"
And they attacked.
***
Puddles open fired on the huge monkey, as William drew his own gun and tried to run around it. The bullets pinged off the monkey's armored skin, ricocheting in every direction. The monkey roared and swung it's fist at William. He tried to duck but he wasn't fast enough, and was sent flying across the command room. He rolled over, winded.
The monkey then turned to Puddles, who ceased fire and dived away as the beast charged at him.
You will never escape! It yelled, just as William regained his balance, to see Puddles trapped at the other side of the control room, firing desperately at the monkey.
William ran over to the controls, and saw a button marked 'Cliche Self-Destruct Button. Press only if in need of action scene.'
He pressed it.
The spaceship went into a nosedive, spiralling towards the ground.
Damn! I knew I should have never bought that feature! roared the monkey as everything went sideways.