User:The Bard/muse
Eating Doughnuts Only Makes the Weak-minded Fat, Scientists Say[edit | edit source]
Got brain? No gain: study claims
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada (INN)—A 5-year longitudinal study underwritten by the Canadian Fried Pasty Distributors Conglomerate has determined that I.Q. is a leading influential factor in the accumulation of brown fat along the waistline.
~ Some wingnut conspiracist
Speaking at a public reception announcing the results, Professor Rufus Wigseller, Chief Research Scientist on the study, said, "It's confirmation of what we've long suspected. A reasonably intelligent person can eat as many doughnuts as they'd like, without ill effects. The real harm seems to come to those who pretend to be intelligent, but are really obtuse dolts when it comes right down to it."
The reception featured a free, catered celebration feast, provided courtesy of Tim Hortons, Country Style, and Robin's Donuts, corporate sponsors.
Edna Lardbucket, a spokesperson for some anti-discrimination organization I couldn't quite make out because they all sound pretty much the same anyway, said in a statement to the press: "This is yet another pseudo-scientific attempt by industry to perpetuate the myth that fat people are stupid. How long must we fight against this oppressive (something something) human being with feelings (something something) low-self esteem (blather blather) suicide risk." Ms. Lardbucket continued to speak at length, but my attention was pulled further and further away by the enticing odour of the free, baked goods.
The results of the, published as a one page folding pamphlet, will be available by request at participating stores across Canada. Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts are already in negotiations to distribute the study across the Continental United States.