When Things Attack
Chapter 1: The Beginning[edit | edit source]
It all began on a Monday, christened on a dark and stormy Tuesday...
Oh, sorry. So anyway, this guy was standing in the middle of the street, minding other people's business, when all of a sudden, WHAM! He was hit by a thing. The thing then punched him again, this time right where it hurts the least. The guy was mad. The thing was mad. The hulk was mad. The hatter was mad. Everyone was mad. Somebody was mad. And you know what happens when people (and things and superheroes) get mad...
Chapter 2: Total All-Out War![edit | edit source]
well, kind of. Actually it was more of a slightly reserved, kinda hesitant war. But enough about me.
Anyway, the war was ferocious. Things were fighting people. People were fighting things. One thing had a chainsaw, and it started beating up an old granny! Oh noes! But then she (the granny) pulled out 20 dollars, poked the thing, bought some shampoo, and punched the shampoo, thinking it was the thing. The thing, however, was sneaking up behind her (still the granny) with another chainsaw, this one oiled correctly, so it chopped off her shampoo. Or head. I can never remember which.
Elsewhere, in times square, things were getting really funky. A generic alien was eating a bowl of milk when a thing snuck up on him, and stole his bowl of milk! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! So he (the alien) pulled out a generic item, and hit the thing with it. The thing was blinded, and walked straight into K-mart, only to buy a Thing-o-matic!tm. the Thing-O-Matic proved to much for the alien, resulting in a unclear explosion.
Chapter 3: The explosion[edit | edit source]
OBOM!
The unclear explosion was sudden, and violent. Thousands of people and thousands of things were shaken by its force. Its lack of clarity resulted in a massive amount of fog, giving the things an advantage, since things, as everyone knows, are subtle creatures that move in the shadows, afraid to show their lack of faces to the masses. People, on the other hand, are stupid, doing stupid things all the time.
Hopelessness spread through the nation like one of those awful diseases that makes ugly spots appear all of you, and then there's this horrible rash, and you start vomiting all over expensive electronics, and it's really disgusting.
Chapter 4: In the situation room[edit | edit source]
The president, an army general, and the president's war advisor were sitting in the situation room. Their faces were clouded by the difficult-to-discern fog.
"General Blevnasky," said the president, "please give me your version of events, having been on the front line yourself."
"The situation looks grim, Mr. President. The things are everywhere. We are outnumbered one to a million. There is no way to win."
But before the president could fall to his knees in a televised surrender, there was a loud whirring noise, and three thing paratroopers with Ultimate shotguns smashed through the ceiling and tied up the entire white house staff. The helicopter that they (the things, that is) dropped from flew away, and the things arranged a televised news broadcast.
"Attention!" said the Thing leader to the viewing audience, "I have taken your leaders hostage. If you attempt to rescue them, my assistants here," he motioned towards his assistants. "will shoot them with our Ultimate Shotguns."