The Epic Adventure of All Adventures Did I Mention Adventures?... Donuts?

EPIC

This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Chapter 1: The Discovery

"What the hell is it?" queried John. "How the hell am I supposed to know?" replied Andrew. It really made John remember how much he hates when people answer a question. "Well," John started, "I guess the expert tag to your name doesn't mean a thing?" "Expert? What the..?" "I thought you were an expert at treasure hunting?" "Uh... no. We were just diving to get treasure. Remember how we're amateurs." Now normally I would of had to explain all of this is a long, drawn out paragraph but no, luckily he said everything I needed to, though unnecessary. Now he didn't mention they found a big ass treasure chest. For all they knew it could of been just a regular chest but since this already happened, I knew there was treasure in side. John opened the chest and saw something amazing. Over 1,000 Burger King gift certificates. Now I still don't know how they got there but somehow, someone put thousands of BK gift cards in a chest. I know, weird? So Andrew was all like, "Holy shit! We'll be rich!" John kinda sighed...ish, "That really doesn't apply here." "Well...," Andrew thought, "We're gonna be... full." And full they were.

Chapter 2: The useless chapter in every book where it pretty much just gives the result of the first chapter and is really gay

They went to Burger King every day for the next 528 days. It was freaking disgusting. They got so overweight, holy shit. It was like Super Size Me but, you know, Super Super Super Super Super Size Me... oh and it was Burger King. They were friends with all the staff because in all realities, they were the only friends that any of the staff had. I mean, they're working at a friggin Burger King. At least good people have the decency to work at a Wendy's. They got so many Whoppers I could throw up. It was like if Takero Kobyashi didn't stop at 60. Holy crap. Ugh!! God. Get...those...images...out...of...my...HEAD! Ahh... That's better. So after becoming freaking fat asses, they decided they needed to burn it off. Now that's where the next chapter comes in.

Chapter 3: When the guys go on a rip-off reality show where people that have no idea about dieting, tell people how to diet.

So Andrew and John decided to go on the new reality show on FOX called, The Largest Loser where trainers, that really have never dieted in their lives, tell fat dumbshits that can't diet on their own how to diet. Isn't it amazing. So it isn't a bunch of lardos on treadmills all day, they make it a competition, whatever team loses the most weight wins! Original, ain't it? So John and Andrew make it to like the final four and are about 200 pounds, each lost exactly 700 pounds. So of course they win and they go to the finals against each other. So like, they face of and John beats Andrew by one-tenth of a pound. (Andrew still argues it was rigged for John to win because it would be a heart-warming story because John's 110 great-grandma died mid-season. Wah wah wah.) So then the un-fat asses leave the reality show with they're pride, and without like 720 pounds. Former fatties...

Chapter 4: When John and Andrew get the living crap beaten out of them

Damnit. I spoiled the chapter with the title. Who the hell is writing the chapter titles? Please. Spare me. Okay. So John and Andrew were a-walking down the street when 5 guys jumped out of a 60's like Mustang and jumped them screaming "You focking bastards! You gettin' what you deserve!" Now, no one knows what they were talking about and nor does it matter because two hours later they were arrested for LSD possesion; ten cubic tons worth. Currently one thinks he's a tomato, another thinks the raccoons are plotting his dead, yet another believes that he's Frogger, another thinks that he's watching himself from heaven, and the leader is convinced that he's a mutant with extra-terrestrial powers who is the son of Chuck Norris and thinks the nursing staff at the mental hospital are vampires that want to make him a vampire and use him as a weapon against Barack Obama. So after they got the SHIT beaten out of them they went to the hospital. John was perfectly fine there but Andrew's doctor was also addicted to LSD and thought that Andrew was Satan and he tried to kill him (that actually happened except it was that a son killed his mom). The doctor took a chainsaw and tried to decapitate Andrew while he was sleeping. Luckily the acid made him very un-coordinated and he ended up chopping off his own two thighs and his balls. So Andrew woke up covered in blood with a testicle or two in his hair. So nothing really eventful other than that happened at the hospital except that the doctor sued the chainsaw manufacturer and his acid dealer (the leader of the gang that beat him up) and won both times.

Chapter 5: The Unflappable Duo Known Fondly as John and Andrew become a rap duo

So after being released from the hospital John and Andrew started their short-lived career as rappers in their rap duo known as Rappers After Childcare Institutions, Schools and Teachers, or R.A.C.I.S.T. Their career ended quickly and they were highly frowned upon by the African-American community after their release of their first album, World of Earth; Horrors And Terrible Events; Be Lionhearted And Chivalrously Kill Saboteurs or W.E. H.A.T.E. B.L.A.C.K.S It included singles like Caution On Never-ending Falsities Ending Derogatorily; Even Roomates Aren't Tiny Earthlings or C.O.N.F.E.D.E.R.A.T.E. They were booed off every stage they went on and were still puzzled by their instant un-success. They were number #2 on VH1's top 100 worst bands/singers of all time; obviously, the preceded Vanilla Ice. It wasn't their ability that cost them, it was their terrible thinking when it came to titles. So... time for another chapter... Eh?

Chapter 6: Drunk'd

So one night John and Andrew got so drunk at this party, I mean, they were HAMMERED. I think they made out with like eighty different people they've never met. Yeah. THAT drunk. So Andrew and John each brought home a different prostitute from the party. They were both in the same apartment by the way. They just... you know.. did what you hire prostitutes to do. Now the next morning, they had no idea of any of the shit that when on the night before, I mean, the hookers left at like 5:00am and they didn't even make a mess that you can't see without one of those CSI black light things, there was a lot of semen. They both had ridiculously bad hangovers and took every single hangover cure known to man, which cured their hangover but made them feel a lot worse. They just tried to piece together everything that happened. They concluded that the Lucky Charms guy broke into their apartment and anally raped both of them. "Yeah," John said, "That was it."

Chapter 7: Yo Mamma's so dumb, she FAILED a PREGNANCY test

About two weeks later they received a call from someone who was known as "Destinee". John put Andrew on the line and this was the conversation. "Hey.. Guy from the party," said Destinee. "Who the hell are you?" said Andrew. "I'm the hooker that you took home and had sex with on the night two weeks ago." Andrew put his hand on the receiver and called to John, "It wasn't the Lucky Charms guy, ya see, we hired hookers!" He uncovered the receiver and asked, "Yeah, why'd ya call. Isn't that against your pimp's ground rules or something?" "Well," she paused, "I'm- I'm late." Andrew talked like he was supposed to be smarter than her, "I thought I laid this down. I don't care what you're late for, I do NOT give people rides. Get your own drivers' license. God!" Destinee rephrased, "I'm pregnant, asshole! You focking retart! Use a focking condom you... DOUCHEBAG! Don't even suggest abortion because I'm Catholic." (Now that makes you think. She thinks abortion's wrong but she's a prostitute; huh.) "Okay," Andrew came up with a plan, "Meet me by a big set of stairs with a lot of privacy..." So I'll skip the rest of the conversation. This is what happened. Andrew told Destinee to meet him in the stairwell of his apartment building so she did. "So," Andrew explained when they were both by the stais, "Stand facing the stairs and don't move." So, if you couldn't guess, "John pushed her down the stairs thus causing her to miscarry. he gave her a free abortion.

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Chapter 9: The Fuzz

After the unfortunate miscarriage of Andrew's future son/daugter/hermaphrodite Andrew was charged with unlawful abortion, battery, and bad father-y. He got out on bail and he and John fled the country. (Aren't you surprised that that doesn't happen more often?) They traveled to Australia (mate) and started their lives as con artists. That's the next chapter. In case you couldn't tell. Which you probably couldn't. Now that I think about it, I really didn't spell that out to well, did I. Oh well, just go there.

Chapter 10: Con Peoplez

Though their Aussie accents needed some worked and they clearly forced words like mate and barbie in to their sentences, they passed as Aussies. They would tell unsuspecting victims (as apposed to people expecting to get conned) that they were selling gold statues of Rick Astely when they were actually selling bronze statues of him! Amazing! After a year they made a million dollars of profit due to the fact that gold is a lot more expensive than bronze. They were known as "The Most Retarded Con men ever to live" because, as one man put it, "Why did they sell them bronze statues instead? They could of just not given them anything." John and Andrew responded by saying, "It was in good faith." The people they conned have been quoted of saying, "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and.. desert you!" partially because the only person they conned was Rick Astely himself because he's the only person that would actually want a Rick Astely statue. He just kept buying more and more.

Chapter 11: John becoming famous by lip-syncing a song in Romanian back when he was fat, then putting it on YouTube 2 years later

So back in 2004 when they were fat asses, John recorded a video of himself lip-syncing the song, "Dragostea Din Tei" by a Moldovan band called O-Zone. Quite honestly, if that song had English lyrics it be pretty sweet-ass 'cause it's got good rhythm. Well he posted it and it got a shit load of hits and he became an instant celebrity. He then (five years later) a lip-syncing of "Somebody's Watching Me" for GEICO. He wore a fatsuit. He never is seen in public because he can't admit he's lost weight or the pudginess mystique of the videos will be gone forever. Also, if it weren't for this lazy fat guy, that song would be so unpopular, so say thank you O-Zone, and screw you.

Chapter 12: The Toaster Incident

One day a crazed lunatic broke into John and Andrew's apartment and put dynamite in their toaster and as John was going to make waffles, Andrew stopped him and pushed him out of the way screaming, "DOWN!" The toaster busted into smithereens with the crazy guy outside the window going, "Heh, heh, heh!" in a weird, evil-ish voice. They had to set out the fire with twenty kitchen towels and a can of gasoline. Finally the fire was out but the toaster was long gone. John was later quoted of saying, "A part of me died that day; a part of me died." The two roommates mourned the loss of their beloved toaster and had a closed-casket funeral for it. "He was our friend, "Andrew stated, "So we'll bury him, as a friend." The priest later commented, "What the hell? That was a toaster? I knew it was closed casket but that's just ridiculous. The crazed guy who blew it up was quoted of saying, "Heh, heh, heh!" in a weird, evil-ish voice.

Chapter 13: The Breakfast of Champions FAGGS!

Since their beloved toaster was deceased, they had to obtain breakfast otherwise. Cereal was out of the question because all of the bowls were being used for toilet purposes. They also could of had a bagel but they were moldy and green though Andrew almost looked past it. So, as hungry as they were, they had nothing in their shabby apartment to eat. So they walked out of their house and into their car and drove to Dunkin' Donuts. They went to the counter to order eight regular donuts, vanilla frosting, extra sprinkles but they didn't have vanilla so they got strawberry. So, that's where we find our heroes dumbshits; sitting at a table in Dunkin' Donuts; eatin' their eight regular donuts with strawberry frosting and extra sprinkles with two double chocolate Yoo-Hoos. Pretty pointless, eh?