An expression of pain

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One day I was really bored. So I paid some fortune teller to give me a fortune.

“I predict you regreting that you wasted 5 bucks on this dumb fortune. SUCKER!”

~ Luck/Fate the fortune teller

This made me angry. So I took out my bazooka and blasted her tent. YAY!

Later that day I went home and watched TV.

There was nothing on except sports and politics. After a while I shouted:

“I'M FED UP WITH THIS CHANNEL!”

~ Me on the how boring the news is.

and went to bed.

DAY 1[edit]

I woke up with a THUD! My bed was broken. I couldn't get up. I then noticed I was HUGE! I was fat too.I was also too heavy to walk and too big too fit through the door.

I finally crawled to the bathroom. I broke every scale I own. Then I had an idea. I crawled up the stairs. Trust me, that was near impossible.

I went in the garage. I weighed myself on the truck scale. I gained 500 pounds!

“I need to work out!”

~ Me on my new diet.

So I decided to join a gym.

DAY 2[edit]

I had a lot of homework. So I decided to do some at the gym.

As I was doing my advanced physics test, My arm had a muscle spasm. My work broke through a window an hit an innocent bystander.

“WTF WAS THAT ABOUT!”

~ Innocent bystander

“I'm in the doghouse now aren't I?”

~ Me on my muscle spasm.

“Yes you are. Now pay for the window so I can kick you out of the gym.”

~ The fitness trainer

I ran home crying. I fell asleep on the couch.

DAY 3[edit]

I woke up outside. There was a coller around my neck. I was naked. Then I realized I was a dog! I turned into a miniture dachshund! Not only that but this wasn't my house!

I ran to the garden. I found my "owner".

“ARF ARF ARF!”

~ Me, although I'm not sure what it meant.

“WILL YOU SHUT UP!”

~ My "owner"

I decided to leave her alone and dig up her garden. BAD IDEA!

“BAD DOG!”

~ My "owner"

I left the garden and chased the mailman. (Don't ask me why I did this, but it was a lot of fun!)

Later she took me for a walk. (This was not easy. I'm still heavy.) I even met Mike the dancing K-9! I put the TV wire in my mouth in respect.

I then saw a cat. The cat reminded me of the fortune teller. Then I realized it was the fortune teller!

“Yes, it is I. And I have placed a curse on you. Meow.”

~ Luck/Fate the fortune teller cat

“GRRRRRRRRRRR......”

~ Me, apparently very angry.

“BAD DOG! LEAVE THAT POOR INNOCENT CAT ALONE!”

~ My "owner"

“GRRRRRR...GRAH! *attempts to bite* GROWL! *whimpers*”

~ Me letting my "owner" know just how innocent the cat really is.

“Yes, I know I'm dead. But I reincarnated as this cat.”

~ Luck/Fate the fortune teller cat

At this point I was yanked away. My "owner" yelled at me. Then I mutterd somthing close to: "Yeah, well I'm only human." and fell asleep.

DAY 4[edit]

I woke up. (I can stop saying that by now, but I choose not to.) I was still naked. I was still collered. This still wasn't my house. But was no longer a dog. Good thing too. Kibble tastes horrible.

The thing that bothered me was, If I was no longer a dog, Why was I still being treated like a dog? But I was too lazy to find out. I waited for the lady to bring me lunch.

“Why the heck am I chained up anyway?”

~ Me trying to reason with her.

“Because I bought you on Ebay, idiot!”

~ That lady in the garden.

“YOU DID WHAT! Wait-how much did I cost?”

~ Me on being sold on Ebay.

“Well the starting bid was $5...”

~ The lady who bought me on Ebay.

“FIVE DOLLERS?!”

~ Me on the current economy.

“No you moron. Five chocolate doller coins.”

~ The lady who bought me on Ebay.

“HOW THE HELLK IS THAT LEGAL?!”

~ Me on todays lawsuit obessed socity.

“Well yesterday you were a miniture dachshund. I never met a shapeshifter before, but what I can tell is, they are Not People.”

~ The lady who mistook me for a shapeshifter.

“I'M NOT A SHAPESHIFTER!”

~ Me on being a mistaken for a shapeshifter.

“Yes you are, you shifted shapes.”

~ the lady

“I KNOW WHAT A SHAPESHIFTER IS! WHATDDA YA THINK I'M SOME KIND OF NUTJOB?! I'M NOT A SHAPESHIFTER!”

~ Me after I finally snapped.

“DON'T YELL AT ME! NOW GO INSIDE AND GET SOME CLOTHES ON UNTIL YOU SHIFT SHAPES AGAIN! AND I HAVE A NAME! IT'S KRISTINA!”

~ Kristina.

I went inside and looked in the mirror. I was clearly not a shapeshifter. I was oviously...oviously..shoot-ONLY HUMAN. And I just said "NUTJOB". Who knows what could happen next?

DAY 5[edit]

I woke up. Though this time not on my own...

“WAKE UP! Oh good, you haven't shifted shapes.”

~ Kristina

“I told you, I'm not a shapeshifter.”

~ Me, finally getting used to being called a shapeshifter.

“Whatever. Anyway if you're done shifting shapes you might as well get a job.”

~ Kristina

“A JOB?!”

~ Me on the current job market.

“That's what I said. Heres your application”

~ Kristina

I read expecting the worst. My job was: Illogicopedia Nut Sorter.

Yeah sure it pays good, (In paperclips) But think of the working conditions. Everyone who uses illogicopedia is a nut.

But then on the other hand, in illogiland things such as this story are normal.

As I was filling out my employment prescreening questionnaire, the mail truck went by, and I had a weird urge to chase it. I geuss I'm still part dog.

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