Assmunch is a German confectionery well known for its high tar content. It is manufactured using genuine mountain goat hair and the discarded waste of dung beetles - don't worry, they ask their permission before taking their evening meal. I know I'd be a bit cheesed off if anyone tried to steal my Happy Meal. Well, not really; I never understood why they call it a Happy Meal when it always makes me sad and slightly fatter.
By contrast, Assmunch is a healthy snack, containing nutritious and mysterious crunchy bits, and passes through the digestive system faster than a laxative sandwich. It also induces vomiting, which actually means you'll end up weighing less than you did before consuming it. Doctors recommend Assmunch to really fat people and/or those they dislike, such as that nine stone four year old who also smokes and eats lard for tea.
- Because, like, dung beetles eat waste and stuff.