IllogiBooks:Queer Times and Queer Adventures

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

→

Queer Times and Queer Adventures: The Biography of Jamison Williams

By O. R. Cado

Introduction

It was a bright day in the far away mystical land of Checotah, Oklahoma, the bright kingdom where dwarves frolic and maidens dance. It was a great day will until the hour of Queer Awakenings, the birth of the prophecy child Jamison David. JD, or Tabby, as the town folk called him, was a queer child who had queer adventures. The first such adventure came on the twelfth anniversary of the Queer Awakening the prophecy's child twelfth's birthday. It was another beautiful day in the mystical land of Checotah and the royal Duke of all of France and half of the known world Sir Dijon Morie had come to conquer the bright kingdom of Oklahoma and subjugate the mystical land of Checotah to harsh labor in the fertile lands of Alberqueerque. Now the great, wise, and powerful Lord Dijon had heard the queer prophecy about the prophecy child Tabby, but Dijon had never known defeat and he was not about to let some half-witted prophecy queer who was known to frolic in the lilies best him. Dijon and his dirty cheap Mexicans entered the bright kingdom of Oklahoma on the morning of the prophecy child's twelfth birthday and would have exited it that night owning the land if it had not been for Tabby's queer adventures. In five hours Dijon had all of the bright kingdom under his dark cloak and his herds of diseased Ecuadorian mountain llamas were taking the positions of every head of government in the state. Every man, woman, and child had fallen to his deadly power and whim; even the postal workers fell at his feet. After five terrible hours, the only town left standing was the mystical land of Checotah. Dijon had saved it to be conquered last for he knew the truly queer powers of the prophecy child: his fabled ability to turn things purple at a thought, his mystical power of controlling teletubbies, pokemon, and dragon ball Z characters with only his thoughts. Yes the lord Dijon was wise and he knew all these things and many more; he was not about to take this conquest lightly.

The Battle

Before entering the mystical land of Checotah, Lord Dijon learned of the amassing of a great army whose leader was the prophecy child. All the Oklahomans who had escaped the shroud of Dijon's darkness had joined to fight against this omnipotent foe. Dijon ordered his troops to action. The fighting rednecks on camels were sent to the front lines to draw the blunt of the attack while Dijon's famed fighting fortress the fighting Amish slipped around to attack from behind. The battle waged for hours. Blood filled the peaceful plain and corpses littered the wayside. A clear winner could not be determined, but the odds definitely were on Dijon's side. Although most of his fighting Amish were killed off, his hordes of dirty cheap Mexicans were holding their own and the rejected toys of Christmas Town were still yet to fight. Tabby, the prophecy child, knew he must do something quickly. His forces were thinning. He was sure to lose, but he could not let that happen. What he could do he knew not. To summon the teletubbie army would be to time consuming. By that time Oklahoma, the bright kingdom, would be no more and all that would remain would be minions of Lord Dijon and his ever expanding empire. He had to do something quickly so he called on the mysterious queer power that had helped to defeat the evil Lord FEO in the Days of Yore. So with all his queer might he summoned upon that mysterious power and surprisingly the sky cleared up and it began to snow. The tide turned in Tabby's favor and victory was at hand. But alas it was not so! For the rejected toys of Christmas Town were unaffected by the snow since they had lived and breathed it. That day a great battle was won, a great victory for the ages. For the great and powerful Lord Dijon conquered against the queer powers of the prophecy child to conquer and subjugate the world the Universe in his mighty grasp. But that is a tale for another day. And Jamison the queer child was shunned by his frolicking mates and even the accepting fairies of Harlem rejected him to endless years of disgrace and loneliness.