IllogiNews:Apple Inc. has to clarify that they did not invent apples

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Apple CEO Tim Cookiemonster and the ghost of former CEO Steve Jobdestroyer are angrier than a nest of bees that has been stepped on! Cookiemonster has been receiving millions of emails from users asking them about nonexistent Apple products, from Apple Pie to Apple Dumplings. Though this had been going on since the 1980s, Cookiemonster finally snapped when a Michigan local asked him if Robinette's Apple Haus was earning him a lot of money. Cookiemonster pulled out a megaphone and shouted, turning green in the process, making a lot of people realize his true identity as Hulk.

"Grrrrr!" He growled and breathed fire, something Hulk had never done before. "Why do you guys think that everything with apple in the name is one of our products? Robinette's Apple Haus does not have an Apple Inc. logo on it!"

"Calm down, Tim!" the Michigan local replied. "At least I'm not like those other fans who think even things with apple in the name that are spelled with a lowercase a are Apple products! Remember the guy who thought you invented apple pie?"

"Grrrrr! Bleaaaach!" Cookiemonster jammed his dragon-like tail down his throat and coughed up a snake, which clung to the Michigan local's face. "Why did you have to remind me of the apple pie kid? Grrrrrrr!" He then set the Michigan local's hair on fire. Luckily this scared away the snake that was clinging to his face, and the Michigan local found a nearby sink to put out the fire. Cookiemonster was still growling while growing wings; he then used those wings to fly out the window, breaking the brand new window in the process.

Cookiemonster was spotted flying over different apple orchards, restaurants that serve apple pie, and even Applebee's because it has the word Apple in the name despite having no connection to apples or Apple Inc. He left a fireball and a snake on top of every apple orchard and restaurant that had the nerve to advertise apples, while shouting, "I did not invent apples! We did not invent apples! Please, ghost of Steve Jobdestroyer, tell them we did NOT ... INVENT ... APPLES!" The ghost of Steve Jobdestroyer quickly descended from heaven, tracked down all the people who thought apples were invented by Apple according to emails and forum posts, and swallowed them whole. Cookiemonster then tapped the ghost on the invisible shoulder three times, causing the ghost to quietly slip into Cookiemonster's body. He then spent $1 million buying all the apple juice in a Florida Walmart, hopping onto a large ship, and started throwing bottle after bottle into the Gulf of Mexico, while shouting, "Apple Inc. did not invent apple juice! Apple Inc. never even grew apples! Jobdestroyer ate apples as a kid long before he started the company! Get it right! Apple is a fruit, idiots, not just a company! You probably think Bluetooth is a dental procedure! You probably think Google really has a googol files on it, even though a hard drive the size of the universe couldn't contain that many! You probably think YouTube is shaped like a tube, Facebook is available as a book, Telegram involves the sending of physical letters, Bitcoin involves disc-shaped pieces of metal, and Palai is based out of the titular city in Sri Lanca! We did not invent apples!"

The next day, several people reported accidentally getting a mouthful of water in the Gulf of Mexico and it tasting like salty apple juice. Luckily, after this rant at the Gulf of Mexico, Cookiemonster went to bed and had dreams of eating fried angel wings dipped in barbecue sauce, and cranberry cookies for dessert. The very next day, he turned on his TV and saw Elon Musk being asked if Twitter was a website for birds.

"Grrrrrrr!" Cookiemonster spit out a fireball which hit his TV and made it explode, revealing two cats that had been living behind the screen. "Meow!" they shouted.

[This article might be outdated. Recent studies found apple seeds within Steve Jobdestroyer's pancreas. But some scientists think they may actually be thistle seed or some other type of birdseed, given his unconventional way of getting the attention of birds by trying to take their birdseed.]

[Update: It appears that we have found apples inside of dead apple employees... And pictures of Issac Newton?]