IllogiNews:Horoscopes for May, 2014
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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.
- Aries - Maintain the appearance of respect for authority. Mean people are out to get you, so look sharp. Avoid low-fat foods from the twentieth through the twenty third. A child born to you during this month should be named Mao for a girl or Snaggletoof for a boy.
- Taurus - Affect a limp to throw off video cameras. Take a course in Existential Philosophy and learn how to speak ontological gibberish. Hallucinations of flying monkeys will plague you early in the month.
- Gemini - If you happen upon a meth lab, blow it up. Pretend you're a blowhard mixed martial artist at a graduation party.
- Cancer -
- Leo -
- Virgo -
- Libra -
- Scorpio -
- Sagittarius -
- Capricorn -
- Aquarius -
- Pisces -
- Ophiuchus-