Mental image of some food
“Mum how comes we all have to eat "virtual food" whilst my imaginary friend Ted gets a roast?”
“Awww I wish I was trapped inside my mind, I'd be sectioned for insanity, but then I could eat the food inside my head”
Imaginary Food: Encounters with the Furred Kind
- A letter from a lone traveller as he found himself stranded and without supplies whilst on a journey through the desert. Written on the wall of a mud hut in the Gobi was Jake the Flake's last known communication with the world. Here, that message is reproduced digitally for the first time. Ever. In High Definition, but only for rich people:
To whomsoever reads this
- It's been days since I last ate - and that was a camel's eyeball. I don't think its owner was very happy about it, though. On the plus side I've lost ten stone! And that's brilliant, if you forget the fact I was once 11 stone. I've been blowing back and forth for three days now, powered only by the moon.
- I'm not sure exactly why I'm blowing though? I mean I'm not getting anywhere, my right lung has collapsed, people keep complaining about my bad breath and I need a drink. On the other hand I've made a pretty pattern in the sand around me and I feel slightly lightheaded. But don't worry! I'm not at all hungry, I can picture a lovely roast dinner right now, with all the trimmings! Roast beef, roast lamb, roast pork, roast potatoes, roast gravy, roast plates, roast babies, roasted rastafarians. I'm going to eat it all up, every last bite!
Sadly for Jake, he didn't have a mouth in his mind. He was never heard of again.
About as useful as the unwarranted fourth nipple
“Virtual food? Pah. I've been forced to suffer Spam for years”
In the future we'll only eat virtual food. That is, until the 2nd, stronger, Y2K bug (known as the Y2K08 bug) wipes out the internet and we all starve. Actual food will soon be rejected by the masses in favour of this more resource-friendly choice. Farms will be torn down and replaced with a 5000-strong squadron of verile young men working around the clock to harvest virtual corn on Runescape.
“No thinking about pudding until you've eaten your sprouts”
“But mum! They taste like sand!”
Evidence from the future
- Whereas previously corn, ham and small beetles were dispensed by the computer CD drive, the eradication of such technologies rendered dispensation of physical food an impossibility. Virtual food, the brainchild of Internet porn baron Sucks McWang and Hovis, was introduced in its place. A more healthy alternative to real food, the virtual variety had no additives, preservatives or saturated fats. Or anything at all, for that matter.
- Excerpt from The Slough Times, 19th Jeremy 2032
Dessert Island Discs
These were the famous songs compiled by the Evil Council in a last futile effort to gain public support. Mainly because of the inclusion of the last track "free food for listeners" the council survived the rebellion and even had enough supportive votes left over to win the X Factor. Which they did. As you'd expect the cover album they released went straight to number one in the charts but was so repetitive and annoying the Evil Council was given a bad review in Slag Magazine. Subsequentially they sued everyone, twice, and the world was forced to pay out 2 zillion dollars in damages. Of course this was paid via an AOL post-it note reading "I.O.U. Monies x Very Lots" written in yellow crayon. Unsure what to do next the Council collectively left in a huff. On their way out of Britain they offered to remain here in return for some wine and celebrity status but the eurostar train door was slammed in their face.
In retrospect it was a bad move on our part, our regular supply of terrorists has dwindled dangerously low and we now suffer permanent winter. Still, the snowman population has skyrocketed since then. I hear they're getting the vote soon. Right on brother!
Lock Stock and Two Buns in the Oven?
Director Michael Moore really pulled his chocolate finger out on this one. Not only did he manage to convince Kermit The Frog to come out of hiding and appear in the movie, but he succeeded in persuading the Movie Guidance Council to lower the rating to PG. The council chief looked remotely squashed as he issued the record breaking decision. Famed for dispensing with commodities like "actors" and "a plot" Lock Stock and Two Buns in The Oven instantly became a cult classic.
The film was released straight to DVD and swiftly voted by Youtube magazine as the best legal alternative to porn throughout 2007. You can find numerous copies of the film at all good fraternity parties. It is annually viewed at infant schools across the countries for, as the teachers describe it necessary sex-education.
BATTLE: Cake versus Gateau (Clash of the squidgy Titans)
It was the third of Serpeniver, some years ago. A horse passed by. One chocolate cake and one gateau appeared in my brain. It was to be a fight with only one winner, but who? The cake had chocolatey goodness whilst the gateau was creamalicious... your guess was as good as mine: these were two fine specimens of cakeyness. The cake dealt the first blow, smashing the cream from the gateau. The gateau retaliated by dealing a severe blow which knocked the very currants out of the cake! A fish broke wind whilst the audience (three cherries and a lettuce) roared wildly. Getting up from the canvas, cakey picked up a knife and sliced the gateau in half. However this just made it stronger, with twice the attacking power. With an almighty swipe, the gateau took a chunk out of the very heart of the cake.
In the end, it didn't matter. I ate them both.