Smoke-on-Trent

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“I went to Smoke-on-Trent once... All I remember is that there were lots of gay buildings, it rained constantly and the cinema was closed.”

~ Greek woman from Rhodes

Smoke-on-Trent, often incorrectly referred to as "Stoke-on-Trent", is a city in heart of the English midlands. It is located between Madchester and Birmingham. The 2001 census recorded the population of Smoke-on-Trent to be 457,165. However, this figure is only based on the small percent of people who were intelligent enough to fill in the census and were technically minded enough to know how to use the postal system. Smoke-on-Trent is the home of the pot industry which explains why there are so many drug related crimes here.

Geography

Smoke-on-Trent is made up of the six towns, Hanley, Stoke, Longton, Fenton, Tunstall and Burslem. In 2009, it was decided that the sign posts in Smoke-on-Trent were too confusing and they would all be replaced with new signs to more accurately describe each town. The new signs will read: Hanley - Shopping Centre; Longton - Grey buildings covered in pigeon shit; Fenton - Derelict; Stoke - Bomb site; Burslem - Red light district; and Tunstall - For sale.

Industry

Apart from the pot industry,(there are are few remaining bottle kilns -buildings used as opium dens and brothels) Smoke-on-Trent is perhaps famous for its steal industry. (Not to be confused with the steel industry which is a different concept all together and completely alien to the average "Smokie"). The steal industry in Smoke-on-Trent produces a wide variety of items such as watches, alloy wheels, mobile phones, televisions, cars, motorbikes and pretty much anything else that people may want to get their hands on.

Local pubs and/or off licenses tend to do a high volume of business but don't make much profit due to there low prices. A phrase often heard around Smoke-on-Trent, especially in the bus stations is "Excuse me, can you spare 20p for a pint, please?". These kind of prices are the lowest in the country, but a sad side effect is, so are the profits.

Local people

Chavs are typically nocturnal creatures.

Despite being situated in the heart of Britain, the British person is a minority in Smoke-on-Trent. In fact, humans are a minority. The predominant race, or perhaps species is a more technically accurate term, is the Communus Unemployedus Rex, more commonly know as the chav. They are often found in the bus stations of the city and around the Potteries Shopping Centre. They used to be found inside the Potteries Shopping Centre, but they have now become extinct in this environment, thanks to the ASBO.

However, the domination by chavs is a recent event and 15 or so years ago, they did not exist. Before then, your typical "Smokie" was a flat cap wearing, coal mining, pot smoking, lazy talking, dirty faced, middle aged person who lived in one of the thousands of terraced houses that seem to be very popular in Smoke-on-Trent. These are the people who will argue that they pronounce words such as book, cook and look correctly, even though the rest of the country and indeed English speaking world will tell them that they do not. But then these are the same people who say "Cos kick a bo agen a wo anyed it till yer bost it?" so they are obviously qualified to lecture about how to pronounce words.

Smoke-on-Trent were once famously described in a letter to the local newspaper (the Evening Sentinel) as being populated entirely by masculine women and dog-faced men. This caused great controversy at the time, as none of the inhabitants were certain whether this was an insult or a compliment.

Smokies have something of a delicacy that they like to eat, called an oatcake. Which is basically a pancake, although never say that to a Stokie. Oatcakes are eaten with various filling, usually consisting of cheese and something. Examples are bacon and cheese, sausage and cheese, cheese and mushrooms, cheese and beans, cheese and cheese etc.

Sport

Smoke-on-Trent has two teams, Stoke City and Port Vale. The first team is the best, Even though according to many are actually a rugby team managed by the former Welsh coach Tony Pulis. Port Vale are smaller and play in the official shed of the city - Also known as Vale Park. Smoke also has many good Darts players, With the fat bastards of Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis and the other guy Andy Hamilton. It also has a Speedway team, Although nobody gives a shit about that.