The 80-Nanosecond Monkey War

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Open For Collaboration
This article is more open than normal to anyone to edit, because the author's gone and run out of ideas. Additions to this article will most likely not be reverted. So... What are you waiting for?...


Okay. Where do I begin?

When it first appeared over the White House, nobody had the least conception how much sheer chaos it might be bringing along. But then, none of us had ever met a Nanosecond Monkey before. And a flying saucer packed with 80 Nanosecond Monkeys was beyond our wildest and most pornographic dreams.

But there it was. Shaped like a dinner plate but nearly twice as big, packed with monkeys of a sort the world had never seen before, all snickering at the satisfaction they would bring in the course of their nanosecond jaunts over all parts of the globe, existent and nonexistent.

At that, we still didn't truly grasp the danger, for a mere 80 monkeys -- even 80 nanosecond monkeys -- would hardly constitute a good size platoon of amphibious landers. But what we didn't count on was the femtosecond fleas that each monkey carried -- not just 80, not even 800, but nearly 8000 femtosecond fleas on each and every monkey.

And look how long the monkey war takes. 80 nanoseconds. They took over the world 80 nanoseconds after. (can u dont)

Chapter 2[edit]

One nanosecond in, the monkeys were attaching to a spinning helicopter blade. This was their primary method of movement, ever since an evil purple slug stole their ability to walk. Since reaction times are usually incredibly slow when the Democratic People's Republic of Delaware is involved, they jumped in. By the time we were at T-plus three nanoseconds, they had managed to corner the monkeys. They were now standing atop Air Force One, watching the wind blow at 7,000 feet. The sitting President, Jesus H. Antonio Christus, brother of previous Imperial Colonisation candidate Pointless Rampage Jackson of Boston, Massachusetts, Zappa, New New Zealand (rest in peace), was unaware of what happened, even as his wife, Ursula D. Bongodrums (who was secretly a man, but that's a story for a different piece), wondered what was going on on top of the propeller.

'Jesus, you don't give the propeller enough attention. It's the only reason we stay up.' The woman reasoned.
'But Ursula, what if there was a jet engine atop this plane? Would I stay up? Would I get to glide? Would I get to Singapore in time for the meeting with Evil Dictator RatHitler?'
'Oh man, you think so much about politics. RatHitler can wait another day. Today, you're going golfing. You workaholic!'

Jesus's mind was unstuck. Somehow, at miniature time scales, the events of this quick exchange of words had become distorted. Nobody knew what to make of it.

And as the Onion Prophet hath spoken to his philosophical eyes of the mind and grief; Despacito ergo sum.

Chapter 3[edit]

Time: 4.00800101040327555823 Nanoseconds since the beginning. More monkeys were put into battle as moonkeys went bbagoon to 3e. the Ablanc factions has been eliminated mostly at this time. 0.001 picosecond later, 3m-5kl was launched into Illinois. massing over death of 7,000,000,000,000 monkeys. Krypton. the aristotle said, "I love Gregg." Monkeys were frightened upon the sheer power of yoyo yolks. The Moneys Moon Monk mongooses. wait, what, no. no no no. wait, I was reading it backwards. sorry, I meant, Monkeys did some carpet bombing to Isreal. yeah. that.

0.01 picoseconds further, Monkeys started to smile as tortoise factions joined the monkeys as porch armiues. Ayur lOca. Something was going horribly wrong for the monkeys. Humans were throwing Alchohol at the ANY faction. sorry, what? no, I don't know. wait, nevermind. that... Oh yeah, there was a monkey. monkey was really big and strong that they ruled over monkeys, 0.5 picoseconds in, monkeys monkey mon m. m monkeys or money.. wait, right, god, this author must be losing his mind. I give up. you can keep the monkey. I meant money. jeez.

Oh yeah also they launched some nuclear weapons I guess. but who cares.