A Mouse Named Fredrick
“I'd just call it Dinner”
Of course, he went by Fred. I mean, what self-respecting
person mouse goes by the name Fredrick? It's like a guy named Jeremiah not going by Jerry. First off, Jeremiah sounds atrocious as far as names go. And second off, its freaking long... Anyhoo...
Chapter 1: NYC; is fo' me!
Fred the mouse lived on the streets of New York City. Livin' off the land. Gettin' a piece-a-cheese erry now an 'den. Okay... Why am I writing like a gangster or something... Nevermind.. Continuing... His favorite kind of cheese was Swiss. It may smell like crap but it tastes delicious. And yes, it is made by people in Switzerland (another bonus!) Well Fred was with his friend Ronny the rat who was solely named for purposes of alliteration and such. Well, rats and mice never really got along. Like, there have been wars and all that but now they've got an UNDERSTANDING that does not involve threats to leaders of both groups. Okay, it might. Well Ronny and Fred were on the sidewalk when Ronny almost got stepped on. Ronny yelped, "Hey, would'ya watch out?" Fred sighed, "Ugh... Give it up Ronny. They can't hear us and even then they'd ignore it." Ronny said, "Pfft. 'Cause we're just a turd in their perfect swimming pool, eh?" "You know that's right, Ronny." "Fred, I just wish we weren't so small, ya know? I want to show those humans that we're here and we should have a purpose." Fred chuckled, "Eh... Think of that... Big mice... and rats.. of course... Ya know..."
Chapter 2: The Internet is not for porn
Ronny and Fred were in their hole they shared together. Nothing gay... Just roommates. Ronny was on their laptop they found, mooching off of the person's apartment they lived in's wireless network. I think his name is Dave... Ronny found an article on Human Growth Hormone or HGH. "Hey Freddie, come look at this! We can get bigger." Fred shrugged, "Doubt it. It's for humans anyway and it probably doesn't increase growth by that much. And lets just say it did, hypothetically, where would we get it?" "I got a dealer" "You're a rat. How the hell did you get a drug dealer?" "Craig's list." "Is he a mouse or rat?" "Uh.. no. He's a...- "Squirrel?" "No. He's a guinea pig." "Okay... let's say this guinea pig has HGH. Where'd he get it?" "eBay. Duh." "Where does this dealer live?" "Well... About that...." "No... Don't you say tha-" "How do you feel about California?"
Chapter 3: Airportilicious
"Flight 382 boarding at Gate A. I repeat, Flight 382 boarding at Gate A." Fred asked from inside Dave's suitcase, "So how'd you get Dave to go to Los Angeles?" Ronny loved explaining things, "I first slipped him a brochure in the mail and then got a money launderer to pay for it." "Is that legal?" "No."
Skipping the flight...
"Oh California..." muttered Ronny. "Wow," said Fred, "That was seven hours?" "And a half my friend, and a half." Dave wheeled them outside but left them alone when he used the bathroom. "Fred," Ronny said intently, "This is our chance, run!" The two rodents leaped out of the suitcase and ran. They didn't even know where, but they ran. They ran for about fifteen minutes when Ronny said, out of breath, "Heh-uh-huh... Fred. We've been running east, right?" "Yeah Ronny, why?" "Well the dealer live forty miles west of the airport..." "I'll kill you Ronny." Ronny and Fred spent a night riding in hiding in cabs, hoping they were going west until finally a man was going to the same apartment complex the dealer was in.
Chapter 4: Gimme the Drugs
After a short ride, Ronny and Fred were standing in front of a shabby apartment place or something like that. They got in and walked up a set of forty stairs, a tough thing for rodents, to get to the guinea pig's floor. They stood in front of the door and looked. "Ronny." "Yes Fred." "How in the hell are we going to get in here?" "Oh.. would you look at that.. Eh.. Funny, ain't it?" "Ronny, I will shove a twig down your throat." "Fred.. Calm down. Violence is not the answer... Ow.. Why'd you do that?" "Hey Ronny!" "Whaaat?" "We can stack those books over there to get to the doorknob." "Great idea!" After three hours of stacking they finally reached the knob. Ronny pulled and the door swung open. The guinea pig greeted them, "Hello, I'm Derek and you must be Ronny and Fred. How'd you open the door?" "We stacked books for three hours to get up there," said Fred. "Oh... I could of sworn I told Ronny about the hole in the wall..." Fred gave Ronny the evilest look someone can give. "It must of slipped my mind..."
"So Derek," Ronny started, "Where's the product?" "Ah. Here." Derek handed them the HGH and it must have been glowing because Ronny was blinded and dazed. "Uh... It's real."
Chapter 5: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. Actually just bigger
So from then on, every day they each took some of it. Getting bigger and stronger. Eventually they got about five inches tall, at which point they moved into the countryside so they wouldn't be noticed. Day after day getting bigger and bigger. Their goal was seven feet and after five months they were at five. Growing and growing, they didn't stop. Then, seven months after starting, they were seven feet tall. "So, Ronny, what do you want to do now?" "Freddie, my boy, I want to go out there, and finally stop all rodents from having to take mankind's crap all these years." "Through diplomacy?" Fred said hopefully. "Yes. What did you think? We'd come in with uzis and AK-47s? No. Why'd you think that?" "...because that's kinda your M.O." "True."
Chapter 6: The Pro Testers League
Ronny and Fred got to Washington D.C. and started a protest in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Ronny was planning to pee on Lincoln's face but Fred thought it was a little to much. Everyone laughed at them, thinking they were in a suit. "Ronny." "Yes Fred?" "I think we need to be...a little more forceful." "I see what you mean. That's why I brought these." Ronny opened up his backpack revealing a dozen hand grenades. "What the hell? Put those away. We're not actually gonna hurt anyone." "Ohhh.." Ronny picked up a hand grenade and pretended to pull the pin. "Duck!" "No Ronny, god dammit what's wrong with you?" "Sorry..." "Ronny here's my plan. We sneak in to the White House, enter the Oval Office, and threaten the President's life." "...but we don't actually kill him." "Right." "You ready?" "Let's go."
Chapter 7: El Presidente es negro y blanco
Ronny and Fred got in using the cover I.D. as the President's daughter's entertainment. Oh-ho... Would they entertain all right.. Once in to the higher level places, they withdrew their weapons and threatened securities' lives. They bowed down and showed them the way to the Oval Office. "...for the last time Senator McCain, we are not bombing Iran," the President was on the phone. Ronny and Fred kicked the door down (which was completely unnecessary considering the door being unlocked). "Get down on your knees!" shouted Fred. The President did as they commanded and spoke, "Ah... I knew this day would come. You rodents get your hands on some HGH?" "Yes. And we're tired of taking your crap," said Ronny. The President chuckled, "So your sewer rats. Haha.. Get it? Cause if you were, you'd literally take our crap." "Sir, we're threatening your life and your making corny jokes?" asked Fred. "I know," commented Ronny, "He's like a friggin Keebler elf. Does anything make you unhappy?" "Well.. The state of the economy." Fred looked at Ronny, "I think I actually want to kill this guy." "Me too." "But then we're murderers." "...and?" "Good point." The pulled their triggers but nothing came out. Ronny laughed, "Oh yeah.. We weren't supposed to kill anyone so the guns aren't loaded!" The President spoke, "Mine is." Without turning around he shot a pistol over his shoulder blindly. It hit his wall, no where near Ronny and Fred. Fred said, "This isn't Gears of War. You can't take a blind shot and expect to make it. But now we know you have a gun!" Fred ran up and took it. BANG! He hit the President in the foot. "Fred," screamed Ronny, "That shot sucked!" "Sorry Ronny. It's hard to shoot a gun without imposable thumbs." They hopped out of a window, did a parkour roll and kept running.
Chapter 8: PooTube
That night, Ronny and Fred made a YouTube video expressing their demands. They called themselves "The Renegade Rodents". "So," Fred said, "We shot the President! But we didn't shoot the secretary! Aha... I make myself laugh. Very well then... We want you to stop giving rodents the crap we used to get. If not say goodbye to all your precious things..." Then it showed a video of all the U.S. icons being bombed. Like a Big Mac, a hot dog, and large fries. "So you see," Fred continued, "We want your respect. We are a proud race and we are tired of our mistreatment. Today we stand up and say, 'we are done with your crap'. You can take away our homes, grab us by the tail and throw us outside, and even call in an exterminator but no. We will never ever be ext-" Fred speech was shortened due to YouTube's 1GB file policy and Fred just had to have it in HD, didn't he?
Chapter 9: 15 and 1/2 seconds of fame
Mass hysteria was started. CNN having special reports, CBS having to interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast (Damn, I missed the Mentalist..), people on YouTube making remixes and even Ronny and Fred making the cover of People magazine though they aren't really "people". Regis and Kelly tried to arrange an interview but Ronny and Fred weren't stupid enough to go to a very public place like that. Well maybe Ronny was... But anyway... Though it seemed like they had the world's attention; it all vanished. No one cared at all. As quickly as it got started, no one cared. When you think about it it sounds surprising but they were like any other amazing thing the American public ate up for a week and found something else. Like Ken Jennings, the Pregnant Man (who's not really a man at all), that autistic high-school basketball player, the armless pilot, the 12-year old who found the most efficient solar cell ever, the guy who made a cure for AIDS that works 1/2 the time, the mother of the octuplets. Wait. Scratch that last one. They haven't forgot about her yet.
So Ronny and Fred lived the American dream. They bought a condo in Boca, joined the Professional Bowler's Tour, and followed M.C. Hammer on his comeback tour. They lived for five more years living the life. On Ronny's grave it is engraved "Ronny Shmarpickle, a rat with courage, a rat with hope. A rat with a dream, a rat with high-speed internet access from Comcast for $12 bucks less than the phone company." On Fred's it says, "Fredrick Robinson, a mouse who asked not what his country could do for him, he asked 'Can the Big Mouth Burger be ordered without cheese?' He died with one thought in his mind, 'Aw naw... I'm dying aren't I?'"
- Note that Ronny is from Canada