A Story About a Moral Dilemma (Cake)

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CHAPTER ONE!!!

Olaf Sentientia was sitting in his apartment one day, listening to a CD of the fourth chapter of Harry Potter.

His apartment was actually a janitor's closet. He was very poor, so he couldn't afford to rent a proper apartment. He was able to reach a compromise with the landlord, however. He could live in the janitor's closet for 5 cents a week, as long as he didn't sleep on top of the mops. Which he didn't.

He made 6 cents a week at a local gas station, which meant he could afford to live in the closet. He spent the remaining cent to buy food (he'd usually use it to buy a single bread crumb at the local supermarket, although he'd sometimes indulge himself and buy a chocolate covered bread crumb).

Maltodextrin...

The Harry Potter CD was the only posession he owned. It was the fourth chapter of the fifth book in the series, read aloud by Jim Dale. Olaf had no idea what the rest of the story was about, because he couldn't afford to buy any of the other chapters in the book. He only had chapter four. He had a secret dream--a dream that he didn't dare tell anyone. The dream was that he would someday save enough money to buy the entire book series. For now, he was stuck with chapter four. He listened to it on repeat for hours on end, to pass the time. When he wasn't listening to his CD, he'd stare at the wall of the closet. When he inevitably grew bored of this, he'd turn around and stare at the other wall. He coughed a lot.

Anyway, it was 4:00 in the afternoon on a Sunday. This was Olaf's day off, meaning he had a lot of spare time. So he planned on listening to chapter four many, many times. Suddenly, somebody knocked on the door of his closet.

CHAPTER TWO!!! AAAAAH!!!!

"Who's there?" asked Olaf, "Whaddya want."

"Open the door," said a very strange voice on the other side of the door.

Olaf opened the door, and there, lying on the floor, was a single disembodied toe with an antenna sticking out of it.

"Greetings, Olaf," said the toe, "I am a creature from a very distant planet. I have come to earth to select a human being, and test them with a moral dilemma."

"WHAT?" said Olaf.

"I'm an alien. I've come to earth to present a human being with a moral dilemma. I have selected you."

"What kind of moral dilemma are we talking about?"

"I'm glad you asked. Here's what we would like you to do. Within the next twenty-four hours, we want you to kill and eat a fellow human being."

"Pardon?"

"We want you to kill another human being, then eat them."

"No! That's friggin' disgusting!"

"IF twenty four hours go by and you haven't killed and eaten somebody, we will take you on board our spaceship, where we will anally probe you. For eternity."

"Eternity? Anal probe?"

"Yes." said the toe. "In case you doubt our power, here is a quick demonstration.

The alien turned Olaf in to a cow, then back in to a human.

"We are all powerful," said the toe. "And now, you must make your decision. Choose wisely. In twenty four hours, I will return." The toe vanished in to thin air.

"Oh crap," said Olaf. "What am I gonna do?"

He looked down at the CD in his hands. It was his only possession.

"I'll have to kill someone, and eat them." he said, with determination. "I don't want to spend eternity being anal probed by evil alien toes. I MUST find somebody to KILL!!!"

Olaf walked out in to the street. Immediately, he realized that this was going to be very difficult. "I have no gun!" he screamed.

He then saw a passing police officer.

"Can I have your gun?" asked Olaf.

"Why?" asked the police officer.

"Because," said Olaf, "I intend to murder somebody, then devour their freshly killed flesh."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. So, can I have the gun or what?"

"Uhhh..." the policeman looked around, "Only if I can watch."

Olaf agreed, and the policeman handed over the gun.

"So why do you wanna kill and eat people? asked the policeman, "For fun? As a way to pass time before the next American Idol season starts?"

"Actually, no," said Olaf, "A space alien told me to."

"A space..."'

CHAPTER THREE!!!!!!

"...alien?"

"Yes," said Olaf, "A space alien."

"Intriguing," said the police officer, tasering a passing schoolgirl, "I kill and eat people for recreation. But I'd be glad to do it if a space alien told me to."

"The space alien looked like a toe."

"A TOE?"

The policeman burst in to tears and ran away.

"Hey! Come back! I want advice on what kind of seasoning to use!"

"It depends on how fatty the person is!!!" called back the policeman, as he climbed in to a taxicab and drove away.

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

This is symbolic.

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

He kept walking down the street, feeling dispondent (is that a word?) that he had lost the police officer. He then saw a sign across the street. "BUTCHER SHOP."

"A-ha!" said Olaf triumphantly, "NOW my luck is changing!" He walked in to the butcher shop.

It was a large shop. The walls were stained with blood, along with a mysterious purple substance. The butcher was massaging the dead body of a recently decapitated pig.

"I...hope I'm not interrupting anything," said Olaf.

The barber jumped at the sound of Olaf's voice. "OF COURSE NOT!!!"

"Good," said Olaf, "I'm looking for advice on how to cook a human body."

"WHAT??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????"

"Only theoretical advice, of course. I'm...uh...writing an essay about it in science class."

"Oh." said the barber. Then, he pulled his pants down.

"Why did you pull your pants down?" asked Olaf.

"Because." said the barber. Anyway, what did you ask? Something about children's bath toys?"

"No, I wanted to know how I would theoretically cook a theoretically murdered human theoretical body."

"Hmmm. How old would this theoretically murdered human theoretically be?"

"I haven't theoretically decided yet. What age would you theoretically reccomened."

"Well, the old ones are easiest to theoretically slaughter, because they struggle least. But they also taste theoretically crappy. Younger ones taste best, but they're also more nimble and more difficult to theoretically, you know, decapitate."

This is grotesque surrealism.

"Well," said Olaf, "Let's say I theoretically decided to slaughter a middle-aged person."

"Theoretically, of course. That would be a good choice. They'd be easy to kill, because of their older age, but they'd also not be spoiled like old people. Theoretically."

"So how would you reccomened eating their flesh? Theoretically?"

This is grotesque surrealism.

"Well, after butchering them, of course, you'd want to steam the meat in hot water for a while, then barbacue them. Marinating them would probably provide some much needed flavor."

"Much needed? You mean, human meat doesn't taste very good?"

"Not particularly. It tastes kinda like plastic. But human meat, when properly pulverized, is very good in cakes with chocolate sauce, vanilla icing, and some sugar sprinkles."

"Theoretically?"

"Of course."

The butcher then reached behind the counter and pulled out an eight foot knife. "Use this for theoretically cutting the meat." he said as he handed it to Olaf.

Olaf looked at his reflection in the knife, then said to the butcher, "Thank you. Theoretically."

"Of course," said the butcher, "I theoretically expect you to theoretically share the meat with me."

"Okay," said Olaf, "I theoretically will. As long as the aliens don't mind."

"Aliens?"

"Alien toes."

"TOES?"

The barber burst in to tears, seized a knife, and cut his own head off. His body flopped on to the counter, beside the body of the pig.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

CHAPTER WHATEVER!!_!_!

Olaf stared at the butcher's body with frustration.

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MEANINGLESS, SAID THE CHICKEN.

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

"Curses." said Olaf, "It was nice to have a companion. It made my task seem less daunting."

Olaf urinated, then left the butcher shop. He then checked the time, and saw that he had 10 hours left.

"I wasted a whole lot of time," said Olaf.

"I wasted a whole lot of time," said Olaf.

Said Olaf.

He then looked at the gun that he had in one hand, the knife that he had in the other hand, and then back at the gun in the first hand, and then back at the knife in the second hand, and then at his toes.

"This is a moral dilemma," he said.

"I AGREE!!!" screamed a man who was leaping out of a nearby building. He screamed "I AGREE!" yet again as he plummetted out of the sky.

"SO DO I!!!" said his secretary, who had also decided to hurl herself out of the office building.

"I DON'T!!!" screamed their manager, who leaped out of another window.

Before Olaf knew what was happening, EVERYBODY in the office building was jumping out the windows. It was like a rainstorm of office workers, all of whom were saying they agreed or disagreed. Olaf found this slightly disturbing, so he hid in a mailbox.

For five hours.

When he came out, the office people were all lying in the street. Most of them were motionless, although a few of them were eating their clothes.

I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN BETTER CARE OF MY ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT, NOW ITS ONLY GIFT IS FUZZZ.

"How peculiar," said Olaf, walking over the bodies of the office workers.

"I agree!" screamed one of them, who then proceeded to eat some gravel.

At this point, things are pretty much random. said the rooster.

"Electronic devices make..."

CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HJ AJA1

"I must decide who to kill and eat, before it's too late!" said Olaf. If you're listening to music while you read this story, you should listen to something suspenseful while you read this part of the story. Something dramatic. It will enhance your listening experience. But whatever you do, don't listen to "savoy truffle" by the beatles.

"I must decide who to kill and eat, before it's too late!" repeated Olaf. But this time, dramatic and suspenseful music played in the background. Dramatic and suspenseful music that was certainly NOT savoy truffle by the beatles.

Olaf thought long and hard and firm and stiff.

Sorry.

Olaf thought long and hard.

"I DO!!!" screamed!!!

Olaf thought.

Then, he decided that the best course of action from a MORAL standpoint was to kill and eat an inmate of a prison. That way, he'd be killing an evil person who DESERVED to be murdered, then FEASTED UPON.

The music that wasn't savoy truffle became more intense.

NICE APPLE TaRT!!

That it was N!O!T!

What a stupid song.

Olaf proceeded down the street on his bicycle, which he had stolen earlier in the story. Don't remember that? I GUESS YOU WEREn'T PAYING ATTENTION YOU FARTY FART FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Olaf continued on the rollerskates that he won from the clown at the end of chapter forty seven.

I've abandoned all hope of this making sense, which is what makes it sensicle. That isn't a word, but it rhymes with popsicle. Popsicle is a type of food, much like human being ISNT ISNT ISTN TISTM

heh.

Olaf arrived at the local prison, which had a sign outside that said "please don't eat the prisoners!!!!!!!!"

"That's quite wacky" said Olaf.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Olaf walked in to the prison and said to the man behind the desk, "I would like to eat an inmate, please. The toe told me to."

"TOE?" screamed the man. He fell to the ground sobbing, then started vomiting.

"I'll just go on in," said Olaf, walking over the wretched man.

Wretched man.

He walked through the jail. But all the cells were empty.

"Where are the prisoners?" said Olaf, aware that he only had a half hour left.

"The prisoners are eating lunch," said a voice.

Olaf ran to the lunch room.

He watched the prisoners eat.

They ate light brown mush. They didn't seem to be enjoying it much, but they ate it all the same. Because they knew they were stuck.

"They knew they were stuck." said Olaf. "Locked away by society."

The prisoners tranquilly ate their crap.

"They knew they were stuck," said Olaf, "Locked away by society."

The prisoners injected chemicals in to their knees under the tables.

"they knew they were stuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " said Olaf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPTER!! ONE!!!++

Olaf stared in to the eyes of every prisoner, one at a time. Then he stared at their ears. And he said, "I have no right to do this. They shall continue to live on this earth. I won't put them in my stomach with the acid and the bread crumbs. I won't. They will live another day. I will let the toes anal probe me so that these men might live."

The prisoners heard Olaf say "toes," and they all laughed and kept eating.

Olaf sat down with them.

The guards were picking their noses.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Olaf didn't even notice when his time ran out.

The toe did.

Chapter The LAST

Suddenly, Olaf was lifted from the room by a laser from the alien ship.

"Enjoy your freedom," said one of the prisoners as Olaf flew away.

this doesn't make any sense.

Olaf appeared in a spaceship.

The toe was there.

"Go ahead, probe me, you barbarian." said Olaf. Olaf pulled his pants down and showed his anus to the toe.

"No, I won't do that." said the toe. "I never intended to."

"WHAT?" said Olaf. "ooooh, I get it! It was all a test!"

"No, it wasn't a test. I just like messing with people." the toe laughed uproariously.

This is melancholy, I believe.

Then, Olaf suddenly appeared in his closet again.

"Was it all a dream?" he said. He stepped in something squishy.

It was a cake.

Inside was the entire Harry Potter series.