An Epic Tale With Fights and Battles and Such

This article has been deemed EPIC because it's cool enough to curdle cheese. See more EPICS

From Humble Beginnings

Keith was listening to his iPod slightly humming "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. He rocked his head back and forth a bit but not very noticeably. He walked up to the ATM machine. He entered his passcode in and such and just then a man in all black robbed him at knife point. The man took his money and ran away. Keith ripped off his iPod headphones and chased the thief. He did a bunch of freerunning and parkour stuff and it was a pretty cool chase. Keith cornered the thief in an alleyway. Keith looked at him in the eyes, "You will give me my money," he said while slightly gesturing with his hand. The thief smiled, "Jedi mindtricks don't work on me!" The thief jumped onto a building and ran away. Keith was determined to catch that good-for-nothing criminal. "No one doesn't fall for my Jedi mindtricks and gets away with it!" he thought. From then on he made his life goal to catch that thief. Did he? No one knows. Well... Some do. I guess that's what this article is kinda gonna be about. Him catching that thief.

The Passion of the Christ... errrrr... the Chase.

Keith himself realized he couldn't accomplish the feat of running down this thief. So, just like his mother always said, "If you can't run them down, gun them down!". Keith tracked down a local arms dealer and paid the man a good lump of cash (or pounds) for an Uzi. Keith then traveled to the top of a hotel and leaped across many building tops, in search for his precious paper. He then realized that a good chase is nothing without some background music. Keith made a playlist with many epic songs, such as "The Final Countdown" and such. He was going to find this robber, even if it takes him all all day and all of the night (This song by The Kinks was on the playlist as well).

Cabbage?

He was completely lost in his search for the thief. He asked random townspeople if they saw him and they just shook their heads stereotypically. He said aloud, "Well no one saw him so thank God I have this GPS TRACKING DEVICE!!! Damn, it only takes Triple-As! Anyone got any batteries? Anyone? Shit." Without the GPS system he had no way of finding the thief. He decided to run down the street like a madman shouting, "RAPE! RAPE!!!" Over and over to see if he would find the thief that way. Instead he got a bunch of weird looks and people spat at him. That's the past-tense of spit right? Or is it sput? No that just sounds weird. It's spat. Or spitted? Nope. Definitely spat. Well then, he now was jogging through a park where he knocked over random rollerbladers for "shits and giggles". He saw a man proposing to a woman so he shouted "SAY NO!" and she did and he kinda felt bad about it and later he regretted it but that isn't important so why did I write it? He thought he couldn't find him until he saw him on a giant TV where he was walking past a news reporter. He couldn't tell where the place was so he put it on Twitter to see if anyone knew. Someone did. He needed to go to the town of Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Intercourse. That's Between Here and Paradise, Right?

Keith, a jack-of-all-trades, hijacked a car with his rightfully owned Uzi and hotwired it. Wait, if he hijacked it then why did he have to hotwire it? Jeez, who writes this stuff? Anyway, Keith and his Hyundai traversed to the great city of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Before his arrival in this great city, he also visited Hershey, Pennsylvania. Both give him sexual pleasure. Anyway (that's the second time I've had to say that), Keith was confused after entering the gates to Intercourse because everyone was DEAD! The robber was yet to be found, but everyone lied motionless on the ground. After a little bit of inspection, evidence testing, and the Law and Order crew cleaning up, Keith found that the robber infected everybody with AIDS through intercourse in Intercourse. Keith felt sickened by this horrible event, but selfishness took over. SOMEONE WITH AIDS HAD HIS MONEY!!! Sure, there are small amounts of cocaine on every dollar bill, which he probably already snorted. But do you know what this means?! This means that he has to catch a cocaine sniffing, AIDS infected, no-gooder. I also just checked what Firefox thought of "gooder": guider, gooier, golder, and goober. FIREFOX WIN. Anyway (that's the third time that's happened! You're outta the game!). Well, that's a shame. The story unfolds...

What do Freddy Mercury, Magic Johnson, and the Thief have in common? They all are men. What did you think?

Keith was walking away from Intercourse like a black man assuming the girl got pregzorz. He couldn't believe the thief could have had sex with every man, woman, and child in the entire city in a matter of hours. It was a scary thought. The massive orgy in his mind was disturbing. The other question was, how did they all die so quickly from AIDS? Keith had the startling realization. It was so startling he actually said, "Oh no" out loud. "The thief has Super AIDS." For those who do not know, Super AIDS is AIDS where you don't die from it but everyone you infect with it dies in minutes. So you're like a biological warfare machine. Like smallpox infused blankets. PONTIAC'S WAR REFERENCES FTW! Anywhoozle, Keith was nearing Pittsburgh, the nearest city. He walked into the city and noticed it smelt terrible. (Geddit, PITsburgh! HAHA!!) He saw a bunch of people in Steeler's clothes walking down the street. He saw Ben Roethlisburger walking down the street and he beat the shit out of him for being a rapist. He then saw a man in all black and ZOMG! It was not the thief. Keith tackled him anyway.

If Pittsburgh Was Jewish, It Would Be PittsBERG!

Pittsburgh, beautiful trash. Keith didn't know that. Anyway (one more time and I will use cruel and unusual punishment on you!), Keith pondered as to why he actually tackled the man in black and went back to see who he was. There was no body, but a letter. A Letter From a Thief (another song on the playlist). It read "Hey. I done gone and took yo' munnehz. I see your anger and raise you a chase. BTW that was a poker reference. Thank you for reading this long enough. Notice the red ink. You smudged it a bit, but that's okay. IT'S SUPER AIDS!!! Mwuahahah *cough* ohhh, shit. Dontcha hate it when you rape all the women and pillage the village and get all worn out? Sucks. Well, good luck!" Keith didn't realize 'til the end there was actually blood on the paper, but thanked Buddha Zeus Mom God that he wore his trusty hazmat suit on this adventure. The thief must've thought Keith was but a stupid man when really he was devoted. Devoted to the capture and assault of this robber.

If "Esta muerte" means "is dead" and "esta" means "is" in a non-permanent sense, and "muerte" means death then the writers of the Spanish language must have known about ZOMBIES!!!

Keith removed his Hazmat suit and ran back to Ben Roethlisberger and rubbed the AIDS blood all over him. "THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE FOR RUNNIN' OVER MAH CAT!!!" Keith screamed. Keith walked away and randomly entered a bus. He stepped to the front of the bus while it was moving and announced, "Don't be alarmed but there is a bomb on this bus and if it goes under 50 miles per hour then the hole thing explodes." Randomly Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves were sitting next to him. He didn't feel like waiting for his stop so he pulled the emergency brake and walked out of the bus while it was still slowing down and was at about 70 miles per hour. As he walked away the bus exploded. He shrugged, "I guess there actually was a bomb on the bus. Eh, the world won't miss Keanu Reeves." Keith kept walking until he reached the bad part of town (which is literally the whole thing). There he thought he saw the thief but it was a cardboard cutout of Charles Barkley. He is still confused that he got them mixed up. He looked into the distance and thought he saw an atomic bomb. It was just a Twinkie falling in front of him.

If You're Sad T3 Didn't Mention ANYTHING About an AC Transit Bus Fight, Raise Your Hand.

Turns out it was an atomic bomb. It surprised him because it contained a key element. The element...of surprise. The bomb exploded a Twinkie factory, hence the Twinkie. Keith kept his composure, realised the cutout was Gnarls Barkley, and kept on truckin'. Keith, on his way to the explosion (because explosions don't happen everyday), noticed something odd about the cutout. It was moving. If you didn't already know, Keith kept the cutout and the Twinkie so he wouldn't feel alone. Just then, a faint noise shook the interior of his eardrums with such force, he farted. The cutout yelled "That was naaaaasty". Keith replied "Bless you" and kept walking. He didn't care about the movement of the cutout, but the fact it would always respond at the random-est of times. I don't know if random-est is right, but Firefox does. Keith pushed on, and wondered if their would ever be a fight.

I Swear to Drunk, I'm Not God

Yes. Another COMPLETELY UNRELATED chapter title. Moving on. As Keith reached the explosion he saw a fifty year old black man calling, "Bring the amber lamps!" SO HA! I DID MAKE A REFERENCE TO IT. (And that's what happens when you make a collab with real life friends. Herpes.) Keith saw the ruins of the Twinkie factory with all of the Twinkies still inside. "Yummy," he thought. He then saw the thief driving away from the scene. "Son of a biznaccio!" he shouted in a pseudo-Italian accent. He tried to chase the car on foot but it was noMuse. He turned around and saw a helicopter. He stepped into it and attempted to fly it and ending up crashing after about 100 feet. He dusted himself off clichely and walked in the general direction of the thief who he had no idea where he went. He quickly Wikipedia'd him and learned he was the leader of an evil corporation called, "We Do Bad Things for No Reason". Contrary to their title, the group does bad things for large sums of money. The thief's name actually was "The Thief" so his name would remain consistent through this entire rendition of some story that's already been done before. Keith saw a pad that had a sign that said, "Portal to somewhere". Keith was curious. He stepped into the portal and was shocked to see he was standing right next to his arch-nemesis; the thief. "We finally can meet and have a decent conversation about life and love and such. Or just kill each other, your choice," said the thief. Keith smirked.

The Reason Keith Smirked Was Because of His Massive Erection

The thief acknowledged his boner, then described his emotions at the moment with words like "Ecstatic" and "Horny". Keith, tucking away his pen15, declared that, quote "Them's fightin' words!" and proceeded to give the thief the business. He forcibly held the crooked man down and started pouring honey on him and telling him he was a naughty boy smacking him around until a nosebleed erupted Keith off of the thief. The thief retaliated and targeted Keith's sweet spot: his earlobes. Why this is his sweet spot, no one knows. The thief grabbed a pair of scissors and chopped them off, causing a great deal of pain to the fragile boy. Did we mention Keith was only 16? Keith pushed the thief off and they both grappled each other and started yelling out button combos like "X!" or "Y,Y,X,L2!". This is not Mortal Kombat, guys! "Thanks narrator!" replied Keith and the thief, which oddly rhymes. Keith then remembered his earphones! He shoved them into the bloody thief and forced him to listen to a song by "Job For A Cowboy". The thief's head exploded in a matter of seconds. Keith blocked the Super-AIDS infected blood with his detached earlobes, which were about the size of a gladiator's shield. Keith realized the burden was finished.

The Unimportant Falling Action Chapter. Not the ending but in-between the ending and the climax.

Keith was so happy he got his muhnnez back for the thief. He was going to teabag him but did not want to risk getting Super AIDS. Keith looked around and realized he was in Disney World! He jumped for joy like a little kid and went on the Buzz Lightyear ride like a thousand times. He even hid in the park after closing just to see what it was like. He pissed his pants when he saw the dolls on "It's a Small World" when it was dark. He swore that they were moving towards him... THEY WERE!!!! He shook that off and went and jumped off the big drop on Splash Mountain. How he survived? I dunno. He then was very disappointed and disheartened when he saw Space Mountain with the lights on. It ruined his childhood. He realized he still had the moving cutout of Gnarls Barkley with him which he promptly peed on and burnt with matches which he got off of Match.com.

You Thought T3 Was Bad With Endings...

After all the pissing and rampant dating on Match.com Keith realized he did something great. He stopped the man who could have ended everything. And you know how? Dedication. Keith then placed his earphones on and clicked shuffle on his iPod. If this were a movie, it would show Keith walk off into the sunset. But, as Keith was walking, his i Pod played a song by "Job For A Cowboy". His head exploded. The End.